“What does the earth give back to the sky, for the rain and for the daylight that it showers upon? Can’t that be an instance of unreciprocated love?”, she thought. Unrequited love and heartbreak were words she was not accustomed to. She was not even in love with the idea of falling in love and such thoughts never lingered in her head- her thoughts, possibly her priceless possession wandered and scattered sans signaling its direction, as she stared at the night sky and sat.
Life was smooth and simple with apprehensions akin to those surrounding academics and career goals. But the cryptic beauty of life lies in its unpredictability. What was meant to be a leisure trip turned out to be remarkable for the new chapters it incremented to her life.
Bangalore – an enamoring city! When she started off her trip, she hadn’t known that she would leave with experiences and memories so indelible but the destiny had so much in store for her. The city of iridescent hues stretched its arms and embraced her and she loved strolling through the streets, rife of people – the vibrant college going population even during late night. In this city was she first broke the barriers that the society has prescribed for women. She could breathe the air of freedom devoid of restrictions. Though she was new to the city and her stay there was for an indefinite period, she saw herself growing independent enough to roam around the city during night and accompanying other newbies to their hostels. The call to leave the city happened abruptly and she couldn’t staunchly adhere to her mind which wanted her to stay there for more days. Maybe it’s good that she left or else the pain of separation would have grown more profound for the bonds that she made in this place are potent enough to stay for a lifetime – people who truly touched her heart, whom she misses terribly. During her last days in the city, she wanted to try all that she had once considered undesirable, be it exploring the city during midnight, tasting chocolate pan from the famous local pan seller with her female cousin or getting into a bar with the same person for tequila shots and then giving them their inerasable signatures by clicking snapshots. Amidst this excitement and a tinge of sorrow, little did she realize how he happened- the impetuous!
They had been friends for long time- not days or months but years, for around 5 years. When she said her period of stay in Bangalore was coming to close, he desperately wanted to meet her for the first and last time. Forum Mall is one place which marks the intermission of the city population from their daily set of constrictions. He came apologizing for his late arrival, courtesy the exasperating traffic congestion the place suffers from. He suggested they watch a movie and she got what she’d longed for – to watch it at one of the PVRs and a delightful memory of watching Jurassic World together with 3D goggles on. No, there were no moments of romantic love – it was two friends hanging out together. She was never accustomed to the idea of letting others pay for her food but there at the food court, his arms won over her obstinacy. Things took a turn once they left the mall to explore the city on foot. She was a newbie but knew the answer to his frequent questions of where they had to go and what they had to do. She wanted to take him to the panwaala and to the pastry shop where she went on the previous night with her crazy cousin. She was unsure of the direction but they reached at the right place and in the process, the magpie in her got exposed as she went around murmuring to herself and he let her know that they’d reach somehow. Yet again, he decided to drain his pocket despite her resistance. For the café guys, that was a scene of affection and they giggled. She wonders how he could capture her – maybe the way he held her hands while crossing those busy roads and the accompanying sense of security that she felt in an unfamiliar place which she fell in love with. They walked on, holding hands amidst the hustle and bustle of the evening crowd who were rushing to head back to homes, but they were in no hurry as they grew comfortable of each other’s company. The spark happened to him first as he asked, “Are we on a date or something?” She could merely ask,” are we? Uhm. I don’t know. What do you think?” She’s well versed in the art of answering with questions and he’s always pointed it out. He didn’t speak much but later confessed that was the moment he fell in love with her, the day he met her he knew she would be his. It was 7 o’clock in the evening and he had to leave for he stayed in the outskirts. When the day started, he had told her that it would be their last meeting as well but as he was about to leave he assured her that they would meet on Saturday, on the eve of her departure. Elation was the emotion she experienced – she was undeniably touched. And then sensed the difference in the hug, it wasn’t platonic as the one he did when they met inside the mall. Though love didn’t bloom, she wanted to meet him yet again- maybe one last time before she leaves. For once, she wanted to stay back in this city which gave a new meaning to her life; the life she’s always dreamt of. But her attempts were to end in vain. Next day she was told that he’d take her to Nandi hills, from where the dawn would seem splendid. But the pragmatism in her let her deny the offer. But they were to meet again on Saturday, again at Forum. Concern let desire take a backseat as she insisted they stay at Forum rather than riding on his bike to another 20-30 kilometers as he was tired. Movie again – “was it to be different?”, she thought. She has often found it hard to cope with excessive cold and eventually when the movie drew to its close, he held her hands. Romantic gesture! But love had not yet born. He had already said he wouldn’t be able to stay longer especially since he’s got an exam another day and it was just the second day of the Holy Ramadan month – he was committed to fasting. Miraculously, even she didn’t feel the hunger but he couldn’t let her starve. Intimacy developed, and though she didn’t realize, love was budding in her as she didn’t stop him being close to her. There was no sense of strange discomfort. She felt special, loved and knew she would miss him. He couldn’t but give vent to his feelings as he admitted that he’s developed feelings for her in very less time. At the food court, she could decipher the emotions which reflected on his face – the sorrow of parting and the difficulty in annihilating the affection that has anachronistically augmented. She tried to be playful to him, teasing him for making such sad faces and keeping a low tone because when it comes to latency, she knew she had always been a crackerjack. She secretly wished he would stay for some time more and he kept on procrastinating it so that he got to spend more time with her. For him it was easy to ask her about the kind of relationship that they shared, but she didn’t have it in her to decode and then disclose it to him – fear, fluster or both; she couldn’t distinguish. He had to give in to her skills in playing with words and digressing. They walked together to the parking area from where he had to take his bike, it was the final moment ; one last moment they’d bid adieu and leave with the pain of parting and the despair that they wouldn’t meet again for she was leaving on the next day. She couldn’t do anything but stand still when he cuddled her tightly but nevertheless she wanted to stay in the city, more than ever before. Thoughts lingered as she walked back, preparing to leave the city which gave her so much love, experiences and memories for a lifetime in a short span of time. Despite these, she knew her departure was indispensable.
Sunday! She got ready to leave yet not mentally. To leave behind people and their love was an arduous task but she had no choice. She had to talk to him too. The only source of succor to her in this time of bewilderment was her friend in hometown. She confided in him and he was there, offering logical solutions to all her anxieties. Minutes later, she killed the sensible realist in her and confessed to her guy the feelings which she was desperately trying to burry deep down because there exists a limit to which you can regulate your thoughts and emotions – at its acme; it comes out no matter how hard you conceal them. They knew their relationship would have no future as religions in this land have always been barriers to true love. They did not want to hurt anyone in the process of fulfilling their desire to stay together. The present was all that which mattered for them at that moment. Love blossomed even while they were separating, as she was travelling back to her place which was miles away.
Technology is bliss! Video calling and text messaging satisfied their urge to talk. She adored those video calls where he would make cute faces and gaze at her. Her happiness was not her own – she would share even the diminutive detail of her love life with her best friend and he would also have points to make, to tease her at times and listen to all that she had to say, thanks to those voice messages or else how would she have typed so much!
It’s true that happiness is ephemeral, or be it sadness for that matter. But how was she to know things would go topsy-turvy in no time! She knew he was having exams and had to study but his behavior sent fishy messages. Maybe it is her sleuthing mentality and shrewdness but when she communicated her anxieties to her best friend and two other close friends, their observations also gave her pang in the heart. The first few months of a relationship are supposed to be the most romantic but she rarely saw him online, for that was the only way to talk to him. Being in a city like Bangalore for around 4-5 years must have changed his perceptions regarding different matters – the negative impact of cultural aberration. Maybe for him, this relationship was just a passing fancy paralleling similar multiple relationships for times have changed and lust overrides love, making love merely an excuse to get laid. Guys understand guys better and her best friend supplemented her with timely advice. They talked about this guy into late night, keenly observed his attitude, his avoidance of her. Once, she expressed her despise to him saying she finds him busy with no time to spend for her and he came up with vague excuses. Late night calls had no place in their relationship but at that night, she tried him on phone only to find his phone engaged. Enraged, she messaged him but he offered no explanation. All he said was friends must had been using his phone. She grew naturally suspicious and like always believed in such insights and intuitions. She couldn’t rule out possibilities of getting cheated as those were not mere doubts that she had. There was enough to strengthen her decoding as her friend came up, sorting the mystery. The only inevitable solution seemed a break up, as her close friends suggested and she herself wanted. It had not been a week and a break up already – but it couldn’t be dubbed inane for the circumstances demanded it. A lot of planning with her friend was required but finally she decided to be blunt and tell him that she felt no love any longer and followed her heart. On contrary to her expectations, he didn’t resist a bit. He was ready to give her space and let her move out, drift away. He who’s always said he would want to wake up seeing her face and go to sleep seeing the same cute countenance didn’t want to stop her breaking up with him, maybe because he realized she wouldn’t serve as a commodity to fulfill his sexual desires as she had already confessed she would mind taking their relationship to the next level – the level of intercourse resulting in frenzied emotions or nothing at all. It was technically easy – the break up, since she desperately wanted it and was assured she would have a shoulder to lean on; her best friend’s. As she sat beholding the sky and wondering the mysterious ways in which love traverses, she realized she would not have to regret leaving him because there is no point in loving somebody who can never be there for you. Love, the longing for love, unrequited love – love can be different, it might happen to you when you least expect it for it is a deep trench where you blindly fall into. She fell possibly because of the emotional turmoil she was already in; the agony of leaving her friends and the city and the freedom she’d experienced and he was like a solace in her grief and his gestures led her into sacrificing her principles and surrender before the spontaneity of love. Thankfully for her, it wasn’t too late to get back to normalcy. Yet she wonders if she were to be a victim of unrequited love. Her love for him was genuine but the inferences were depressing. Bangalore gave her everything – a set of friends, new experiences and enduring memories for a lifetime. Him – the impetuous, a deep wound, a grave mistake was also to be a part of her short stay in the city for life cannot be meaningful unless there exists both moments of exhilaration and those of dejection.