Remember those moments when you start to understand things? I bet that most of you can relate to the most crucial years of growing up - what essentially defines you - the teenage years. With it comes several business cycles (I use this term out of my habit of never leaving my image as an economist - pardon me). For me those were the defining moments of my life. I have been a child of unpredictability, randomness and mostly remained an outlier.
Ever since I came of age life punched me straight in the face right at moments when I wanted to be happy - for me and more so at times when I wanted to smile for others. And it is at these moments that you give up faith in life itself. Finding the reason to live then becomes imperative for otherwise you see yourself at the verge of breaking down and heading straight towards insanity.
Your perception of that perfect friend looms in your mind – the imaginary creature of happiness and love. You create different sketches of what you must have in that virtual creature and start on an endeavour to find that person.
You are 4 and in school; oblivious to deceit and a perfect example of purity and innocence. You see what others show you, you believe what others teach you but you hear of your heart. You make friends; you laugh at nothing and share your smile; you cry at little things and yet hold no grudge.
You turn 13 and enter into a new era almost like a bud blossoming into a flower – you have a rebellious streak and yet vulnerable to people’s opinion. You again see what is shown to you only now you fail at distinguishing right from wrong. Mind becomes the master of your heart. You make varied friends and hope to keep them forever. But none remains for none actually wanted you. That’s the first time reality strikes you. But hope keeps you moving.
You are in college now; things are same. Now you just know the truth of life but live in denial mode in hopes of punching life in the face. You pretend to be cool resulting in finding friends who in turn pretend to be cool. With time a group of friends come together faking love and care. You know their reality but fail to accept it; you change yourself to gain acceptance yet fail to achieve so; you defend them in their mistakes to obtain their love yet you find none for only treachery and dishonesty rules their mind. You do unfathomable things for them only to be ridiculed and abused at other times and yet for some mysterious reasons you are found with them again.
At times you wonder about the essence of friendship if there exists any. You have the answers yet you turn a blind eye and a deaf ear to them. You see yourself every fortnight with tears in your eyes, you cry and cry to harden your heart. You close your eyes and try hard to think of a single person who’d come for you at this moment but only shadows form, evaporating into obscurity.
Why then must you give a human outline to the term itself? Why must you get dictated by a human form? Why must you get insulted and scorned upon just to gain a little importance sans a hint of dignity? Cease your search for a friend in a human and put your energy in getting to know your own self better. Cry when you are hurting, shout when you are angry and take a stand when you are right but never think twice about the same person once you are done shedding tears. If you are important enough you will never feel alone. And like an old saying “books are your best friends” shall always, in my case remain my life mantra.
Life is a labyrinth; a never ending search for a person which you know shall never exist.