Insanity Plea

So much hatred, so much anger- I feel it surging through my veins like molten magma, waiting to erupt. But then I am angry with myself for filling my own mind with hatred, and I hate myself for being so angry.

I feel greed, my mind insatiable. I know I can achieve only some of what my mind desires, but having failed so many times, I have lost my power to try, to exceed myself, to be better tomorrow than I am today. So now I desire to burn, all those who have what I lack. And I shudder at my own thoughts.

I want revenge. I want to make those who have messed with my world pay for their deeds, and then exit. Exit my world and the world. But I know, I am no one. No one to pass judgement on anyone's exit.

I cannot comprehend myself, and I cannot live with such a feeling. I know I can't control it all, but I deserve to control myself at least. I feel like a nuclear warhead, charged with the power of destroy, in the hands of a person who has been given the false sense of confidence that there is a need for destruction. There is the power, the capacity, but it is just a shroud fed by pride, beyond which there is helplessness. A cry for help echoes inside, but cannot penetrate it.

Even the slightest of mishaps irritate me, the more severe blunders rattle me to my core, and make me prone to self-destruction. But I am not ready for it yet, nor will I ever be ready. Because I hate wastage, and it would be quite a waste.

I am tired. Tired, because of the constant war going inside me for so many years. Tired of the exertion, it has cost my mind. Tired of living for people who matter. And lastly, tired of losing, yet risking it all, every time.

I cannot forgive those who have taken much from me, without ever giving back. But, more importantly, I cannot forgive myself, for knowingly or unknowingly hurting all those whose care and concern surround me. They remain underappreciated by me, always. Even if I want, I can never make them understand how grateful I am. And that brings out the anger. That inability fuels my rage.

It seems never-ending, this process. A vicious cycle with only negative outcomes and the wastage of positive energy. I feel myself in disharmony with the flow of the universe, I know the way to harmony, but lack the instruments to get there. I have the power to create, yet cannot channelize my energy, as I am blind. Blind because I have lost trust.

I have the lost the trust of many. My dishonesty seemed a necessity at such times. And now, I deceive myself most of the time. I lack clarity, yet everything seems clear as day.

This is not me.

May God help me!

But He won't, because I have never been cooperative.