“You’re pathetic” shouts a voice inside my head. “I don’t care” I say out loud, while flinching from my daydream. I’ve been in love with him for so long that I can’t even remember how it’s like not loving him. “He’ll never love you back, you’re wasting your time” says the voice again, with that mocking tone of voice that only I can hear. I say to myself that it doesn’t matter. The time that I’ve spent loving him, making him happy will never be wasted time, that’s just what love does to you, and I can’t stop it, and don’t want to either. The voice laughs and vanishes inside my head. I go back to my daydream, to those days when I was so innocent, when I used to tell him about these scary feelings that I couldn’t fight. Back then he used to tell me that I was confused, that was it, and that in a few months it’ll all be over. I hoped he was right, but knew he wasn’t: I haven’t been clearer in my life before. I was falling for him and had no way out of it. Here I am years later, thinking about all the things that we have been, all that we have done, how he still calls my name and I call his name and though it’s so simple, calling his name has such a deep meaning. And he calls my name and I think about everything that he is to me, and can’t believe it’s him, saying my name. So I look at him trying to figure out all of this, and places his deep eyes on me, those eyes that I love so much, and asks, with a soft voice: “what is it?”. And I can’t stop looking at him, I have so much to say but no words come out of my mouth. So I just smile, look away and say “nothing”.
And he seems confused...
I frown and start to wonder... Money is worthless; I always say that to him. I would give everything I have, everything I own or have ever owned, everything that I am to have my mom back with me even if it’s just for one day, so I can say to her how much I love her, how much I miss her and how hard I’m trying to live without her, and hold her and tell her not to worry because I’ll be okay. Tears start running through my face... But all the money in the world won’t bring her back to me.
If I could only say these words to him, but every time I try I feel a lump in the throat and I go mute. So I write these words to him: “If I could do it, darling, I’ll tell you that when it comes to making you happy, to making you smile and knowing I’m the reason, money just doesn’t matter, and I’ll give it all I have to make you feel that way, because your happiness is my happiness, even when you don’t feel the same way. I’ll say that when I spend my time and money in you, and you look at me and thank me, and then smile and I know you’re happy even for just a few minutes and that I was the architect of that feeling, I can assure you, my love, money is worthless. I’ll tell you that I would do everything for you to be okay, happy, in peace. But I can’t do that, I try really hard, I’m here for you, but you’re not happy, you’re not okay, and I can’t be okay. Money is worthless because it doesn’t help me on this mission of making you feel better, and is just frustrating.” I stare at these words that I just wrote and don’t know what to do with them... So I just close my eyes for a minute and rub my forehead... “How and when did you become this person, so weak, so fragile and all because of love?” the voice is back. “And if you say all these things to him, what would you think he’d answer?” But I think it really doesn’t matter what he’d answer. I just want him to know how much I truly love him, I want him to feel it, that has always been my goal, and I’m afraid I haven’t completed it. “What do you get in return?”... I get the satisfaction of knowing I have felt true love, and I gave it all. I get in return whatever he wants to give to me. That’s the thing about true love, you give everything you have hoping to get nothing in return, but taking anything you get, no questions asked. I just want to feel him, truly feel him, over and over again. Even if it’s not the same... Every time I pray that this kiss won’t be the last one, that this isn’t the last time I see him, that this isn’t the last time he touches me. After all, we never really know when
the last time will be.
“You’re going to end up so broken inside” says the voice inside of me, and I nod. This only happened a few times, I agree with the voice, and that only meant one thing: it was true.
Suddenly, sadness overwhelms me, starts to swallow me. This was my worst nightmare, only that it wasn’t because nightmares aren’t real, and this irrevocably was. I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I clench my fists so hard it starts to ache. “You knew it since it all began, and you were okay with that”. The voice was right. From the beginning, I knew there wasn’t going to be a nice ending of this story for me. And more important: I was okay with it. So I go back to that daydream and remember those days when he was just an illusion to my foolish heart, and this voice inside of me wasn’t as strong as it is now. And I remember thinking about the ending to this story and I knew that it was already written, and that I’ll be broken. But it didn’t matter, I just wanted to feel what it was like to love him, I never wanted to fight against these feelings. And I did it, I felt him, we did more than I could have possibly dreamt, we were together, it was real for a while (to me it was). I was happy, he made me happy, I loved him, I love him, we were so much, and we’ll end up being nothing, and it doesn’t matter. So I calm down and sip my coffee and start smiling. We were together... I close my eyes, look up and sigh. Even for just a while, a moment, he was mine, andthat’s all that matters.
“You’re helpless”. I smile. It was true. We were finally getting in synch.