It was a weekday. Not of much consequence to me while scheduling a social plan in my calendar because I was on vacation and didn’t have to worry about a late night getting in my way of getting work done the next day but I had still used it as an excuse, from an array of them, to get out of a plan I had made with a dear friend. I had been dearly looking forward to catching up with the a forth mentioned friend, but failed to find the will to put in efforts into materialising the plan. The comfort of my bed, the cosiness of my room, the laze and maybe Netflix were to blame for me failing my friend and cancelling in on a meet we had found the time out to actually make happen from our respective schedules. I had hated to lie to her, fearing that maybe she’d see it through but pretend not to, but always hold it in her heart, but my unwillingness had trumped it all.
Joquesse Eugenia once said, I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships, forced interactions or unnecessary conversations. If we don’t vibrate on the same frequency there is just no reason for us to waste our time. I’d rather have no one and wait for substance than to feel someone and fake the funk. But what was I to make for myself, from this plan I had clearly run away from, the very last minute? I wouldn’t have been faking the funk with the friend I was intended to meet. Our friendship wasn’t meaningless, our interactions only heartily welcomed and our conversations always necessary and close to the heart. So why, I asked myself, had I run away? Why had I cancelled last minute and ditched my dear friend? I had been relieved for a little bit after having made my way out from meeting with her but that relief and sense of victory hadn’t lasted for long. I felt ashamed and hypocritical. If I had stood witness to this incident with other parties involved, I can’t say I wouldn’t have jumped to judge and showcase my contempt. But now that I was the one who was the wrongdoer, I didn’t know to punish myself for the crime I had committed?
A while ago, while skimming through the local newspaper, I had indulged in some mindless reading, scanning the astrology section to find out what the sun, the moon and the stars had to say about my week. The exercise only left me confused because the note written out to Capricorns read, be careful about spending too much time by yourself. Maybe this was it. Maybe this is what it does to you, spending too much time by yourself. It leaves you exhausted, uninterested and lazy. Exhausted so much from the regular disappointment that you’d rather miss out on the good for the little bad that you get to avoid. Uninterested in being forced to engage in that same small talk, same silly banter, and the usual conversation involving presenting yourself to the world and trying to understand and evaluate it in return. And lazy; about getting dressed, about driving out for an hour, about driving back, about talking and smiling and laughing and pretending that you don’t know what coffee you want to drink and if you are hungry enough or not to share a meal or order one for yourself. When you are home you get to stay away from it all- you don’t have to be lazy because the kitchen is the café and the refrigerator won’t ever judge you, you don’t have to be uninterested because Netflix lets you choose exactly what you wish to watch and you don’t have to exhaust yourself- you are only spending time with yourself. There is no need to smile or laugh when there isn’t the need for it, there is no need to indulge in aimless conversation because there is nobody else and there isn’t need to present yourself to the world or spend time understanding it because you know who you are.
Neither do I particularly propagate this kind of a lifestyle, nor do I solely and religiously live by it. There is a sense of freedom and truth in it that I can’t deny I love too much but there is also an inadvertent sense of aloofness and loneliness that it invariably brings to the table. That’s the cost you have to bear for controlled loneliness. I am not sure if it’s a cost I am ready to bear or if it’s one I know I am prepared to pay, but I believe I am getting there. I wonder sometimes what I should do to continue to be at the top of my game and not let the loneliness take control instead. I also wonder sometimes if it has indeed started to take over. Maybe that is why I talk of the exhaustion, the laziness and the uninterested attitude. But I’d like to believe that it isn’t just that. I am not one who believes in spotlighting faults of people, time and circumstances to veil my shortcomings. So I don’t think my self-inflicted ostracization is purely a result of my disappointment in people because they have failed to meet my standards of human decency, courtesy, wit and empathy. I must also accord for my failure of being more patient, more open-minded and less ignorant.
Who knows if this resonates a call to social menopause or maybe enough damage has been done already that a mere break isn’t enough to fix it. Is this the end? I wouldn’t know, but either way, I hope it unveils a grand finale where my exhaustion, laziness and disinterestedness see the rightful light of day.