"For a person who loves a lot, I hate so much," it was nothing but another conversation in her head. She thinks of love stories and rainbows, and she hates them.
It was 9 in the morning and she had a few hours of sleep. It wasn't insomnia but it sure feels like it. She thinks of what she can accomplish today -probably nothing- but she still thinks. She thinks that maybe today, she'll finally get that imaginary shackles off her. This may be the day that she's reborn. Like the ones in the inspirational flyers, this may be the day that she'll soar. She often dreams of it. She dreams of gliding in the city where a lot of people can see her, and they will be amazed. She will show off her floating ability and they will be in awe.
But she snaps back to reality. She was in her body again, and she hates it. No, she wasn't ugly. She magnetizes men actually, and she was often objectified. That was the sprinkles on top of her self-hate.
It was a quarter past 9. She thinks of the things that she has to do. She knows what, but the repetitive thought of wanting to cut herself open keeps resurfacing. She keeps burying it down under the "must dos". She tried burning it once but it was fire proof. She tried throwing it away but it always found its way back home. So she buried it under. "Not today, not today. It will eventually happen, but not today."
She breathes heavily. In a few days, she'll be socializing. It has been a few days since she literally went out of the house because she's saving her energy for the weekend. If it wasn't important, she'll cancel like she always does. She hates disappointing her friends when she cancels but it's for the best, 'cause even choosing what to wear drives her nuts.
I pity her. If I could take the burden off her shoulders, I will. I will erase all the negativity and I will calm the obsessive thoughts. I will tuck her to bed, and tell her that everything will be alright. But I can't and I'm sure you know why.