i can't get over the fact that you actually have feelings for me but you bail at the same time, saying that you can't give me what you want to give me and that even if i say it's enough, it's not enough for you. and i try so hard to make you understand that i want all of you, even the dark parts, i'm not afraid and i can't let you go. i won't let you go. you may not see colors now, you may not hear a thing, you may be lost in all of this madness, but honestly, do you think i'm going to leave it like that? do you really think that i'm gonna go just because you told me you give up on it? you are worth every tear i've cried because of how you think you're not enough and that feelings are shit and you can't cope with them. i don't care that you don't know how to do this. just let me show you we can manage. please. you use your sweater as a pillow because it smells of me. two nights in a row, and you even don't use pillows at all. i wonder if you're as hurt as i am. because it sure looks like you are, we spent at least four hours talking (screaming or crying) about everything between you and me, it was night and i was cold in my bed and you were in your bed and talking about the sweater and saying that you're leaving at the same time. how can you tell me that you can't let go of my smell and then tell me that you have to leave me? in matter of seconds? how can you torture me this way when you promised you won't hurt me? and doesn't it hurt you, too? you said that you've had so many feelings when you were with me. and i do understand that you think you're a piece of shit in this kind of things and that you'll only make me sad and that having no feelings is the best way of life possible, but that's rubbish, do you hear me? rubbish. it's not the best way anymore, not for you, not after what we've created. this little thing. you can't bail now, i won't let you, stop ignoring me just because you think that's the best way to handle it, stop believing that you'll forget me and all of your feelings if you completely shut down.
you made me feel things i never thought even existed. i know it's a cliché, but you did. like when you sat me up your shoulders and carried me the whole way to the underground - i'm afraid of heights but i felt so happy in that moment, the kind of happy i never knew there was to feel. or when you kissed me in the cemetery and i felt death creeping all over my body but my lips, they were the only thing that felt alive. or when you smiled at me in my bed and when i asked why you were smiling, you said you just wanted to. and you might think that's nothing, but this is everything to me. you changed everything. i feel like a real person.
i hope you know that i don't sleep much and i can't stop thinking about you. i hope you know that i'm still waiting for you to show up at my door so we can talk. that's all i need you to do, talk to me. and listen to me. i hope you know that every time i wake up i feel like i was shot in my chest, because i feel physical pain and that's how i know that my brain made me dream of you but then never let me remember it because i'd be more sad than i already am. my body is trying to save me, but i don't want to be saved, i want to save you. i don't care about my flesh or sanity, i just want you to feel alright, and alive. let me.