Life is not always butterflies and happy ending.
Im not a thing person. I want something that is sincere. Like your time. I don't have things that I like much. Cause I focus more on the importance of oneself. Like bonding with family and friends.
When I was small I would always love toys that are for boys. But the question is... Are there really toys only for the big boys? No one told me i can't have this. But as soon as I was hook to a doll house they leap for joy and bought it for me.
Let me tell you something. My taste can change from time to time. We all do. Don't you? Our taste for food, clothes, drink, place and even love.
Yes love is such a powerful word and feeling to achieve. But first of all in order to love around us. We should love ourselves first. Self respect means self respect from others too.
I'm a caring person. Even though you would hurt me I would still love you. I dont know what's the point of holding a grudge from one another. But to me God loves you and so do I. I don't want to be cheesy or so but it's true. I don't like the idea of fighting one another.
But I wasn't that type of a person who is good. Well we can't have a balance life if there is no good and bad in us. Darkness and light. We wouldn't know which is which if we won't try.
You see life is unfair sometimes but the important thing is... You didn't gave up. Ever.
So here you are. And I'm proud of you!
I'm a creative person but seldom shows it to other person. Still I'm afraid of their critics. But you know you need those people to boost your confidence.
So I thank my friends for pushing me to my limits that I can do this and that.
What else? I did play volleyball when I was in elementary and high school but soon enough stopped playing when i reached high school cause the coach would yell and she would have favoritism in our team. But then I realize I shouldn't have stop playing what I love and stop entertaining people with negative views. Now I understand that they are place there to teach us. Teach us to be strong to continue on pursuing our dreams and never give up. And that people can't put us down.
That's the bad side of me.
I easily run away from situations that are quite difficult for me to figure out. I easily give up. I don't know what I'm afraid of. Why I run away if things gets tough. Then I analyze. I run away because I was putting scenarios that I can't make it. That I can't do it. I was overthinking the whole time.
And thats! Thats for crushing my dreams piece by piece.
I lack confidence, I was insecure what other people say about me (who wouldn't?), and I wasn't able to defend myself. I would always get this choking from my neck if I can't say what I have to say.
Whenever trouble arises I just go away or take another path to avoid it. Yes it was coward of me but what can I do. I wasn't strong that time.
Elementary. One with the boys. I don't have girl pals that much as I can remember. Because girls that time was so much drama for me. And I don't like drama. I like those dudes who were easy to get along. In our group I was the only girl. Happy me. I can have all the men! Ha! And we did a presentation I was their queen. (Woah!) And my guy pals were my sidekicks. (Hi-ya!)
High school was okay and tough. I have few friends but that's okay. I didn't like having big groups. Cause I'm more a secure kind of person. Like choosing who suits and understand me better.
Yes I fallen in love. And it was different for me. It was extraordinary. I never felt something this before. Or any other feeling from any human being. Only with him. And if that person hears this again. Yikes! He wouldn't like it. He would get annoyed and make me stop this foolishness. Yes we were a fool to fall in love. To young, to dumb to be attached. But I like the feeling, to be attached to someone who knows who you are. I dont know if he forgets it but he's this wonderful person who gave meaning to my life. And if given a chance to fall in love again. I would still choose that person. But you know time heals, wound close, time to move on to the next chapter. But when we broke up I was confuse. What was the reason why we broke up? I hear him explain but it was a lame reason and I don't what to hear any garbage from him anymore. So we went on with our lives. And still friends.
College. Yes! I was free!! No eyes on me! I was energetic that time. And I live for it. and I guess not...
I was so annoyed that I wasnt able to be with him. To have the same course. I actually choose the course because he was there and we said that we would take the course together. But I wasn't smart like him. But still we're still on the same college. Something in common right?
I got jealous of his new friends. And so did he. But then later we understood that there are things not meant to be.
When I was in 3rd year. I have this idea to switch course to Psychology. But then it never happened because i was almost graduating and changing course means adding again different majors and minors. so I stick to my course. But along the way I met amazing, beautiful people. And they are my friends until now. And I'm lucky to have them. And so happy. I even got to an organization where I can be with them and along side help other people. Yey!
But time pass. Happy days went to bad days. People who you thought wouldn't leave will eventually leave. Not even say a word. Close friends won't tell you who they are seeing. And that close friend gets mad at you because you knew before her.
I was selfish, and I only want to have that person's time. I was ma-pride. Thinking for myself and not bothering what people might feel. And I didn't like it. I was loosing me. I thought my friends was slipping away but it was me who is slipping from them. Like my system got reebot. And I didn't like spending time with them. Like I was running away from them and not wanting to be friends with them anymore. Thought I figured it all out. Thought that if I won't be friends with them everything would turned out okay.
There this friend who was close to me. She told me. "No. You changed. It's not them. It's you! It's like it's not the you that I knew." And that struck me. Making me the bad friend that I am. The 'pakgirl'. Ughh.
Last school year for them. And I was sad as fuck. I was a fool for not spending time with them that much. With my friends. And that I was longing their laughter and happiness. Time must go and I must accept it.
So I was back to school. Happy but felt a little missing. But it was okay. I got to meet new friends but they weren't as cool as my last friends.
And in the end I never run away from my fears. I face them. I face them all. I face my own battles. Cause you know you will be battling your own war in the end and no one is gonna help you.
So always be patience and calm. Always pray to God. Thank Him for the ups and the downs. And He will do the rest. Keep aiming high.
So who am i should be? I'll just be me and go with the flow. Cause attacking the big waves might destroy my boat.