Dear love,
I am sorry I am having to write to you like this but believe me, this is the closest I could come to being able to express at all, considering everything. I have been really sick lately and I think I would have been worse if my brother wouldn’t have been here. I am constantly trying to prioritize myself, constantly trying to look for opportunities to get better but I don’t think I have been exactly successful. I had to reach to the point of actually scheduling a session with my therapist and I don’t know how I feel but I am definitely not back to being myself. I don’t know when will that happen or if that will happen anytime soon at all but it is what it is, at least for some time. I don’t feel supported anywhere, I know Ramitha is there to take care of me and asking me how I am but I feel so lonely. Every time I try to talk about how I am feeling with my family, I get the feeling I am a burden or maybe I am just adding to their distress. They make me feel like I am responsible for my own distress so I should suffer. Sometimes I feel like I am going crazy in this house. Sometimes I feel like everyone is going crazy in this house and there is no escape. I can’t even count the number of times I have been made to feel like a worthless piece of shit, number of times I have just been weighed with the number of academic achievements I have had. Sometimes I feel like that’s all I am to them. I am no engineer neither am I an MBA graduate, I am hardly even a humanities student who is coming closer only to unemployment. They say they want to see me happy but on their own conditions. Tell me, love, how is that fair? How is being happy at someone else’s conditions, fair? Some days mother is nice to me making me feel valued, making me feel that everything she has ever done is for me but some days I feel nothing but a worthless existence. I feel like if I die today, they will be sad, sure but after few months or maybe years, they will be okay and they won’t have any regrets. I feel like I am just that daughter who couldn’t do household chores for them or that daughter who was a little too ‘sensitive’ in their eyes. Practically there’s no loss. It’s like losing an unemployed liability from the house. You will miss them some days but you will be okay. How do I even share all of this with anyone but you? How do I go around telling everyone this is how I feel when the world is already so cruel on so many of them?
Sometimes I feel that I will never be satisfied. I will never be content with whatever I have because I will always get less than what I want and I don’t want to settle for anything less. When Sabre put in efforts of keeping me in his life, I felt so small. And that was the first time I made myself feel small, I am such a horrible person that I brought that feeling to myself. That nobody has ever wanted me in their lives without motive and for him to even stay in touch, I thought it’s fair to forgive because who has ever done that? Who can I say that for?
I also learned in my therapy that I should be able to accept the fact that I am emotional. Why am I modifying myself just so I could be with someone else? Over the years, I also came to believe that emotions are your strength and you must embrace them. I would feel sorry for people who couldn’t cry because they didn’t have the capacity to express. But now I see it. I see it so clearly now. They are all trying to protect themselves. Everyone is fucking protecting themselves. I was the dumbfuck who wore the crown of being the emotional one only to botch up literally relationship/friendship I have ever had. I should have known that nobody will ever invest the same level of efforts and they were right when they used the word ‘fool’ for the emotional ones. They are fools. I am a fool. And don’t get me wrong, I am not even trying to make fun of the person I am but you have to adjust to the world you are living in. I kept giving in for the people who could have best remained just casual in my lives. But this isn’t who I am, you know? I am not casual. I go all the way. I want to know what’s up with your life and how the fuck you felt about it. I know I have those needs but what the fuck can I do?