Labyrinth

I was born with a lot of care and guidance. Some people are envy, thinking that I have such a perfect life. Even though I came from a broken family they still think that everything is in a perfect place, where every spaces and blanks of my life are filled out.

But, that's just what they thought.

I fake a smile as long as I can do it, as long as I can control these raging tears in my eyes. I tried to be happy as much as I can, just to show to the other people that I'm genuinely fine even if I'm actually dying inside.

No one knows what I'm going through. Pretension becomes my hobby, and I can say that, every single day I'm getting better at it.

Laughing, smiling, and joking around are my daily routine. Maybe, if you're a normal girl fighting with a lot of struggles in your life, I think it's impossible to do these things.

You can say that I'm lucky because I'm living with my family, but I wanna tell you this, I'm not.

Day by day, it gets worse. Day by day, I feel even more suffocated.

When I was in my early teens, I thought when I reach my 20s I can have the freedom that I want. Where I can truly be who I am, where I can be the best that I can be without someone controlling me.

I am 22 but why do it feels like I'm still 5 years old? Why can't I still live my life?

I am still grounded the way as before. I have no freedom on my own.

Looking to the other people same age as me, they're so carefree. It's like they already living their lives to the fullest. It's like they have their own life right now.

While I'm still here, stuck in this kind of labyrinth where I am completely lost, even myself.

I can no longer find my life. I can no longer find my happiness. I can no longer find my freedom.

I'm not saying that I want to be free so I can get a boyfriend. That's actually the last thing on my list right now.

It's hard, you're living in a place where you can't talk, you can't express everything even your feelings and you can't be yourself.

I realized, I've been in this labyrinth for 22 years. I never thought this could be so long.

22 years of pretension, 22 years of suffering alone and 22 years of holding back my tears.

Looking back those years, I never thought the main reason why I learned how to write a song because of what I was going through. Because I was fighting alone for so long.

Music and writing became my strength, my voice and my escape.

I don't know how I am able to free from this labyrinth that I am in.

As long as I am here, I will try all my very best to strive hard and to hide everything.

Because I know God is watching me, I know He will find a way to save me from here.

Even if I am hopeless, I will still continue to pray and to believe in Him.