17th December 2014
Peshawar, Pakistan
“Is this Rihan Abdullah’s house?”, I asked.
“Yes, and you?”, the lady replied, irritated.
“My name is Salash. I am from 8 News, India.”
They say that devil has many forms, such, beyond the count of God. And when God can’t do anything in the matter, who are we?
“As you can see, we are inside the house of the last survivor of class 9, the boy with extreme courage! We are currently here with his mother, Mrs. Abdullah, what do... “
“Can you please just leave us... He is already shaken by the incident”
It is much easier for all of us to say that God is our well-wisher, than to believe that at times he creates demons so dark, that even the figures of hell, are afraid. But then he leaves these demons on Earth for some reason, witnessing the wrath that they bring; the pain and the tears.
“Ma’am, we... We just want...”
“Oh for God’s sake LEAVE!”
“I...”
“LEAVE!”
I have always loved being a reporter. To have a camera in front, a bag filled with worldly equipment, a microphone in hand, a notepad in pocket, and a pen ready to kiss it - is all that I ever craved. I loved my job, but that day, standing in front of that broken mother, I was quite frustrated on the thought that I had to report it.
“Ma’am I really apologize for...”
The door closed on our face bringing the quite expected end, to reality. Pradip, pulled the strap of the camera around his neck, and kept it on the ground. Then his whole weight fell on the doorstep out of frustration. I thought of knocking once more, but lacked the courage.
“Gone, and now we are fired!” Pradip grumbled.
“Don’t say that, we are one of the best, they won’t... or may not... fire us. I mean, come on,” I sighed a little knowing it was useless, as we were done there, and no possible amount of apologies would had worked.
Pradip then kept complaining, while I looked around the area watching reporters standing everywhere, on every threshold. I could tell by then that their condition was no different. While glancing through them, I suddenly saw this child peeking at us through the house window.
There was something different about him. Eyes with dark circles as if he not slept in days, pale face, and slight lines of dried tears down his cheeks.
“Rihan, are you?” I asked.
“So there they will fire you?” the reply came, in a low cold voice. It seemed he was hearing my little chat with Pradip and now was a bit uncomfortable with it.
“It’s not so, I mean, we are happy with our jobs.”
“I can see that.” Then in a very irritated manner, he said, “Come in.”
That was just enough for us to take a breath of ease. The door was opened and on the other side was the boy we were not quite sure if Rihan. Then as it opened more I saw Rihan’s mother at a distance.
“Rihan, are you sure?” she questioned.
“Let them come in ammi” he said wearily and then murmured “let them feel the difference”.
I was going to say thanks when Rihan suddenly interrupted, “No cameras".
I looked at Pradip who was having a frown of irritation. Signalling him to keep his calm, I asked Mrs. Abdullah if Pradip could stay inside the house. Her irritation was obvious, but Rihan's tired and lost expression made her react to the contrary.
He slowly moved towards his room; eyes fixed on the ground. Now what was odd about him, was his behaviour. He felt old and lifeless, and not at all fourteen. Even his movements were not connected as he tried hard to keep his legs in a state of motion, evident from his constant stumbling.
I followed him through the house which was an old 40’s bricked one without much colour on the corridors. There was a staircase inside in front of the main doors, passing which, the corridor turned towards Rihan’s room. As we shifted from the colourless corridor to an awkwardly orange room, I felt a strange calmness in the environment. But then a certain realization surrounded my thoughts when my eyes fell on Rihan. He didn’t felt like a human but much more like a machine just moving through, not understanding, not feeling.
The room had a bed, a small one on the left corner and a study table on the right. A window was on the middle of these two. Quite spacious the room was, with just enough of light to fill anyone with optimism. On the back left corner was a cupboard and on the right of it, was his prayer place.
My eyes fell on the wall, right, as I saw his photo, smiling, and believe me, that should have been the brightest one I have ever seen. He wasn’t alone in it though. "Should be his brother", I thought looking at the chubby smiling figure in the photo.
Rihan was standing near his study chair which he dragged towards his bed for me to sit. He looked depressed, eyes fixed on the chair while not asking me to sit.
To break the tension, I thought of pushing the opening statement and so asked,“So... this is your room? I really love this color!”
“Afik set that...” he replied, biting his lower lips.
“Afik?”
“He was my friend”
“Sorry...”
Realization of him being the only survivor was, sickening. Thus in my inability to continue the informal conversation, I ask him to feel free to begin whenever he wanted.
He nodded and sat on the side of his bed looking outside his window. Winter afternoon had shifted the sun lower in the sky, as if mourning over the death of so many innocence. With that I went on and sat on the chair he had shifted from his study.
“I went to school yesterday”, tears trickled down his cheek and silence took no time taking over. We sat still, staring at the window.
“Nice weather isn’t it?” I asked. Narrow tears now broad, he sat there looking outside, sobbing. I didn’t know how to react to that, as all of a sudden, I could feel the heaviness inside his mind.
Rihan slowed down with time, controlling his mind, calming it with bits of reality. I was indeed stunned to see Rihan deal with his sorrow in such a quick manner.
“It was 9 am when we reached the school. It was me and Afik. We... we reached... took our seat... kept the bags...”
Breathing heavily, he continued, “It was going well. School function, decorations, teachers, speeches, and then...”
“Then?” I asked.
“We were at the corridor moving towards the auditorium. Students were decorating the whole school... Afik was talking about the fight he had with his younger brother previous night.”
His speech sounded unwilling, his voice didn’t participated and cheek with dried lines, impelled a guilt into me. How could I ask someone who had went through so much, to express his pain in words?
Disturbed, I thought to change the topic. “So who is the guy in that picture?” pointing at the framed picture on the wall, I asked.
He sat quiet for some moment and moved his head towards the window again.
“Let me guess, it must be your brother!” I said trying to cheer him up when all of a sudden he cried, “WHY ARE YOU PEOPLE KILLING OUR BROTHERS!?”. His voice no more trembling rather stubborn, he kept looking at me with teary eyes. And for me, I didn’t quite understand what he meant then. For a minute or so, I blindly stared at his face which had taken a rigid shape, filled with anger.
“You really think like that?”
“YES I DO! And all these useless talking with you, you know why? It’s because I hate you people. I hate you all! But I want to show you, I want to show you the strength of Pakistan, that, it never falls even if all our brothers have died!”.
At that point I was not only confused but a little scared over the wrong idea he had. What was even more scary, I guess, was the fact that he might not had been the only one to have it.
“I am sorry, but, what you are thinking is not true...” I immediately reconciled.
“Oh really, what explanation do you people have?”
“I will tell you, I promise I will tell you, but before that you have to promise me two things, first you will not stop and tell me every detail about the incident you remember and second you will not force yourself to remember any awful memory, because I am not here to make you cry. Tell me whatever you want and feel like.”
It was silence again, only with Rihan’s occasional heaving breathing. I was considering to leave, when suddenly he resumed.
“We walked through the corridor, while talking to each other. Afik was angry as his brother had taken his book and tore a page from it... He... He usually, never fought with his brother. And I guess he was feeling guilty. Although he was complaining, I should have known...”
I didn’t know, which was harder to bear, his occasional silence, or the fact that he lost everything and now had to explain how. The guilt pierced my heart and the knowledge, my mind.
“We reached the auditorium. School prayer was there so the students were decorating the stage. Afik was talking with Maubeen, the head of the student’s council. I saw them laughing while still working to help the students. I was eagerly waiting for the prayers to begin. Thus I quickly took my seat, at a nearby bench and watched Afik and Maubeen work. At around 9:45 the function began, with our class teacher praying to Allah.”
Saying that he went quiet, and face contracted. He swallow and dozed his head down. Quickly glancing around I found a bottle on his study, which I offered him, but likely to my expectations he denied to take water from my hands.
“We have not done anything...You can...”
“We also said the same, you know... before they started shooting us”
Goosebumps crawled my skin. It wasn’t just for that direct punch of reality, but quite unlike to Rihan’s character, it was also for that unbearable hopelessness in his face. His expressions, which were nothing but anger and rigidness till then, suddenly disappeared. But he didn’t cried rather closed himself.
I guess he realized that I was perceiving him. So he slowly shifted his gaze from the ground towards the window. Looking at the setting Sun, he again started narrating. “She prayed and we repeated. I think if they... hadn’t shot her, she would have told another prayer...”
“Shot her?” my voice trembled.
“Many times... She had just finished a few lines, when they shot her in the throat. They shouted and went on drilling her body, splashing her blood all over... I saw the second bullet, pierce her heart, and within that very second more had placed themselves... within her. But then, that hardly mattered in front of the bigger picture of our fate there.”
“I am sorry...” I muttered, unable to bear the words ricocheting in my mind. But he didn’t reply rather turned his stare toward the prayer place. Thus again silence crept in and this time, it was long.
“Allah knows everything...” He murmured and continued, “They killed Mrs. Shah... They killed half of the students right in that moment... One by one I saw everyone fall. There was Ibrahim, shot in his eyes, Shamim, on his chest and Syed on his forehead. And as we screamed laughed those shooters… It was hard to react as I couldn’t decide what to do. But then I heard Maubeen crying and I was even more terrified... There were bodies everywhere, and as I crawled, somehow, through them, my hands slipped. Maubeen was alive and still standing near the wall. He seemed to have lost his senses, screaming for the death of his mother...”
“His mother?” I asked.
“Maubeen Shah... lost his mother…” He replied with a helpless glare into my eyes, as I sat there in guilt.
“He was excited, you know, hadn’t taken his seat from the very beginning, watching his mother... And then, he was crying. I saw his tears and I wanted to hug him, but knowing what was going on that was hard. With all my force, I pulled him down trying to get him covered on the ground... But...”
I sighed, as my head fell. A sudden tiredness was taking over me.
“They were laughing on our helplessness, they were having fun killing us!” he sobbed, “Maubeen was shot under his nose. His blood splashed on my face, and I, scared, laid on the ground and closed my eyes, praying to Allah. I heard Maubeen fall, but still didn’t open my eyes. And then realisation hit me, as I listened to the bullets. Knowing that one was destined for me, I tried my best to figure out which one. It was quite hard to sort out the laughter and the cries and in that chaos it was even harder to react. Thus lying there I felt the most terrifying thing in my life - Those bullets that touch passed me. After that trying to survive, my hands fell on a someone’s thighs when suddenly, I saw a pair of sandals approaching. Out of fear, I held my breath and couldn’t move my hand. After that I... I felt those bullets... being pumped inside that person’s body... I felt it shaking tremendously, shifting out of my reach.”
He stopped while I stared at his face defined with line of dried tears, looking at the slightly visible cuts all over. His hand as I noticed then, were bandaged which made me think of the scars he had beyond my visibility.
“It was strange as... they didn’t shoot me. I almost thought that I was dead, but, they didn’t shoot me. My head was aching with all the sound and I was feeling a nausea in that environment. I had left all my hopes of survival unable to decide anything. Sometimes I would crawl here and there while they didn’t look and sometimes I will lay dead. Wouldn’t had survived long that way but then I saw Afik lying on the ground. I was expecting him dead, but he was moving and so reaching him was important. And with that, I got a direction to move. We were both terrified and couldn’t speak anything. Afik, would occasionally be pointing to the right side door, trying to convey the most obvious message…”
He looked at me while I was as clueless to what must have happened after that. He kept staring and asked "Your government must be proud. Sending you after all... Your report shall be taken... It shall be praised… Signifying victory..."
Ashamed, in guilt that I possibly can’t explain, I wasn’t able to build any eye contact, while he, kept continuing, "We moved out of the auditorium safe and ended up in the corridor towards Afik's brother's class room. We were moving slowly not wanting to attract any attention. The corridor was empty but haunted with sounds of gun firing. We would hear sounds of explosions occasionally, deafening ones, as we would stop on our way trying to gain momentum. We were beyond terrified then as school never felt so scary. But nonetheless it was bearable as emptiness was mostly the sight... Until... We turned the corridor just to see a class room completely broken... The walls laid on the ground over those... Bodies... With disturbing being that one boy buried underneath” His eyes dilated as I saw goosebumps on his skin “I knew him, I could recognize his face even through the blood".
Fear crawled my shoulders, startled, brought me out of every guit as I asked, ”Was that...Afik's.."
"No. No he wasn't"
At that point, everything was baffling. While deep inside I prepared myself to hear the inevitable, I was also hating myself for my job. Everything was chaos in me, except that one feeling rising for justice.
"We reached the class and saw two men with guns wearing brown and grey kurta there, holding the teacher as well as all the students, hostage. We hid beneath the corridor window. Afik was terrified, finding his brother there. That inability to do anything was turning him impatient. But we knew we could only pray… The teacher, she was Hifsa Khush. I knew her. She stood with the rest of the students pleading to let them go. Afik's brother was in the corner..."
Silence was coming back. But this time, I felt it was better than words. Quiet he was, with his head sunk and tears rolling down collecting on the dry ground. Something terrible happened there that left marks all over him.
I don't know when but somewhere in that crying and sobbing, I hugged him. He didn't revolt rather cried more and more. Then collecting all my strength I asked him, "What happened there?"
He stayed absolute quiet as I kept the hug tight. And then he broke, "They set Ms. Hifsa on fire". Chills ran over my spine. "She was on fire as she screamed to the students to run for their life" I tightened my hug and closed my eyes. It was making me sick and at that moment I realized that I needed that hug more than he did. I couldn't help it then, as tears rolled down my eyes and he kept continuing as he cried. "She was burned in front of all the students and they watched.... the horrific... And they started shooting..."
There were no words that I could utter; I was losing my strength and lost my grip. I never felt so helpless as I did then, not knowing what to say, not knowing what to do, only a head hung in shame and anxiety.
"Afik started vomiting... And… As he did so... I watched his brother... One on the forehead... One under the nose... It took me just a fraction to realise there was nothing left for us to see… So, I ran… Dragging Afik somehow. He... He wasn't in his senses... Talking, trying to tell me that we need to save his brother, that he was sorry for that night, saying that he will be a better brother. I couldn't tell him, that his brother was dead. It was hard for me to believe all this was happening, probably not possible to explain. While I was dragging him through the corridor, I could hear footsteps. Being scared I didn't look back rather kept pacing on. I had no idea of any safe place, and in my confusing I thought of hiding in the washroom. So I dragged Afik. When we entered the wash room I found there, Mrs. Qazi with a few other students".
"Mrs. Qazi?" I said looking up.
He turned his gaze towards the sky which had then turned old without a Sun and said "She was our principal. Mrs. Tahira Qazi... Shot..."
Tired and distressed, questions lurked throughout my shame. Were they even humans? Are humans capable of committing these? What had those innocent teachers and students done to them?
"I entered the washroom just to hear Mrs. Qazi whispering me to hide. I quickly went inside the last washroom latrine and closed the door. I was instructed not to come out till she tells me to. I couldn't do anything there but hear her voice as she pleaded to those gunmen. I was scared and even more terrified due to the fact that I was alone and Afik's voice couldn't be heard. I was only wondering where he was, if he was safe. And then, I remember Mrs. Qazi's last words. She said, 'I am their mother. Talk to me', after which I heard screaming and that sound of gunshot. That... horrific sound".
I handed him the bottle of water as I knew it wasn't easy for him to recall; breathing heavily, face turning red, body becoming warm. I felt extremely guilty to make him remember those dreadful memories and even though silence was peaceful then, but I could see him breaking with every bit of it. We sat there trying to work our way through that silence and shame.
I was suffocating me to continue the conversation, but Rihan didn't stop there. The strength that this fourteen years old had was beyond anything I possibly could frame. He continued with no expressions but with extreme stability. "They fired continuously and I don't know what happened out there but an explosion did followed. The door of the latrine collapsed on me, the roof and walls concrete fell over me. I was somehow trying to stay conscious. It was hard as I wasn't able to feel anything. And I don't know how long I was there but I was crying as my whole body was aching and legs were numb. I didn’t make any sound though".
"What happened to Afik?" I asked little hopes.
"The explosion... I guess I was lucky every time as there I was in the furthest corner of the washroom". He took a deep breath and sighing a little, said "I don't know what happened to Afik, but probably that explosion killed him with the others. They didn't let me see his body though."
"I will ask his family, I am sure he must have survive."
"It's okay, the soldiers while taking me out from the washroom were talking about four people found dead there. We were five in that washroom."
I lowered my head again as even my last bits of hope were gone. I could only wonder how he went through it all and still be there with all his strength telling me everything, even after the fact that he finds me an enemy. I slowly murmured, "Sorry..." and he closed his eyes and asked "Why?"
I thought for a while, but I didn't had any answer to that. Outside evening had crept in and in that complete dark were two absolutely devastated souls sitting and mourning. I slowly stood up, wiped my tears and walked out of the room. But before I would enter the corridor I made a promise to myself, that this child will have his justice.
On road, Pradip would occasionally ask me what was wrong but I couldn’t speak a word. I just wanted to reach the hotel and start working on the report. Something kept telling me, that this report needed immediate completion, as I didn’t know what else to be done there. But my senses were fixed on bringing the truth and justice to all these innocent souls, to make God realise that demons can be punished as well, no matter how mortal the punisher is.
With that the day was over. The next day brought with itself some answers to all the confusions. A video was released online on the website of Tehrik-i-Taliban Pakistan that made it very clear that the attack was from their side. Trust me, just a glance into the video is enough to make anyone’s blood boil. Soon afterwards Pakistan government sworn to get rid of terrorism once and for all. All the terrorists entering and creating havoc in the school premise were gunned down and the people working behind the attack were being searched, with many killed.
That night, I ended my report with the last statement,”The date 16th December is not only a shame for humanity but also a day the world witnessed an act of extreme brutality with 121 injured, 150 killed including 134 children and many Rihans forever scarred by the memories of the horrific event.” Then I sat on the hotel bed, staring at the floor. I couldn’t see the dried tears of Rihan there, but dirt and stains all over.