The excitement. The nerves. The waiting. All the fucking waiting. I was waiting for the bus to finally leave for my home. Well my second home. I love France, I really do, but my home country is Bosnia and Herzegovina. I love the beautiful landscapes, the nature and the people. The people are so genuine and hilarious. They tell the funniest jokes anyone will ever hear. The reason why I also miss my home country is because I have family there. I miss them so much that I cry sometimes, I think I have homesickness. Whenever I go to Bosnia I go because of my family, but a few months ago I met someone. I met this guy, who became my boyfriend. Now, he is isn't the main reason why I'm going, but he is one of the main reasons. And I can't wait to get there. I kissed my mother on her cheeck and gave her and my father a hug before I went into the bus. When I sat down in the bus and waved at them, the bus finally left. I look around and I see that there are not that many people. What am I saying? There are maybe 12 people on the bus. This is good because now everyone has two seats. Yeah, I like this. I was going to put my handbag into the compartment above my head, but ofcourse it fell on the ground. I was going to pick it up, but I saw that someone was picking it up for me. I'm looking into the stranger's eyes and I immediately knew that those were the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen in my life. The colour of the eyes are green, not hazel green, but green like a forest. Once I was out of his trance I smiled at the stranger. He returned my smile, by smiling. Finally I had the courage to speak.
"Thank you for picking up my bag. I'm such a clumsy person" I said to him. He gave me my bag and I put it away in the compartment. I'm looking at him and I'm thinking if he will speak to me. Well, probably not. I'm sitting on my chair and stretching my legs. I have my cellphone in my lap, while I'm trying to untie my earbuds. When they are untied I look forward and see that the chair on the other side is occupied, by him. The stranger is on his phone, his legs also stretched out. I'm looking at him. Anyone can see that this guy is hitting the gym regularly. Hys physique is perfect. His hair isn't perfect, but messy and sexy. He doesn't have long or short hair, just perfect. It's pitch black, and it is a little bit wavy. When he looks up at me I look away. Suddenly I hear him speak to me.
"You know society says that it's rude to stare at someone" he says in a low, masculine voice. I find strength to look at him and I see that he is smiling.
"Do you agree with that statement that society makes?" I ask him.
"I do. But you can stare all you want" he says with a cocky grin.
"I must dissapoint you, I wasn't staring at you"
"You were"
"No I wasn't!" I said to him on a slightly louder tone. That wasn't my intention but he was being so...so...well, honest. But it doesn't matter, I didn't like it how cocky he was.
"Let's just agree to disagree..." I said to him while I was looking around to find the next driver, there are two drivers. I need the driver to ask him something about my ticket. While I was looking around and saying that to the stranger, I noticed how empty the bus really is. But it also caught my attention that the stranger could have sat anywhere, but he chose to sit across me. Well, this is strange.
"I wanted to sit across you" he said to me. Is he a mind reader?
"Why?"
"Because I think that you are beautiful"
"You don't even know my name"
"That's true. I'm Emir, and you?"
"I'm Lejla"
"Lejla I think that you are beautiful"
"You already said that"
"I can say that you are beautiful for the next 24 hours" he says to me. Shit, I totally forgot that it takes 24 hours, well actually more than 24 hours to Bosnia. I know that it doesn't need to mean that a guy likes you if he compliments you. But I need to be sure.
"I'm sorry but can I ask you a question Emir?" he nods at me. "Do you like me?" I ask him.
"Yes, I do like you Lejla" he doesn't even think about his answer. How can he like me if he doesn't even know me? Something is just odd about this guy. Lejla now that you know that he likes you, you must say that you have a boyfriend.
"How nice. Emir, I have a boyfriend in Bosnia"
"That doesn't mean that I can't tell you that you are probably the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my life and that I like you"
"But..."
"But I see that it bothers you, so I will stop. But I won't stop talking to you"
"Thank you for respecting that I have a boyfriend" I tell him. After our -weird- conversation I turn around and I'm looking outside the window. I'm thinking about my boyfriend, who is eager to see me, and I can't wait to see him.
"We are going to take a 15-minute break" the second driver announces. Every single stepped out the bus, and every single person smokes. That doesn't surprise me. I lit my cigarette and I see that I have WiFi. I turn it on to see if my boyfriend is online on Viber, and he is. I'm calling him, and while I'm waiting for him to pick up, Emir is standing right beside me. He is looking down at me, because he is taller than me. I'm ignoring him and I'm talking to my boyfriend.
"Yeah I'm good...We just passed Stuttgart...I know it's midnight, but there was a traffic jam...How are you?...Again?...No I don't mean it that way...please just listen...I didn't need to say that...I miss you too...Well I must go, the break isn't going to last...I will...You too" I hang up and see that Emir is still looking at me.
"How are things with your boyfriend?"
"Good actually"
"Really? Because when you said 'again' you sounded a bit angry" Emir can definitely read minds, because I was a bit angry.
"I wasn't angry, just a bit irritated"
"Why? Did he say something to you?" Emir asks. When he asked me that question, he was serious.
"No. But he is going out with his best friend and the sister of that best friend"
"Is that a problem to you?"
"Not at all. But the sister of that best friend..." I'm looking at Emir and hesitating to give him information. He doesn't need to know everything so I'm shutting myself up. He notices that I don't want to talk anymore so he just smiles. One of the drivers said that the break is over and that we must return to the bus. Once we are in the bus and back on the road, Emir and I started talking. We talked for three straight hours about everything. I told him that I'm studying Economics at the École normal supérieure, a university in Paris, and that I'm in my third year. Emir on the other hand is studying Electrical Engineering in Sarajevo, Bosnia. He told me how it is studying in Sarajevo and how gorgeous the city is. And ofcourse he said to me that I should visit Sarajevo. I've never been in Sarajevo but I have heard a lot of great stuff about that city. He asked me where I was heading to, and I told him that my stop is in Tuzla. Tuzla is about 120 kilometers from Sarajevo. We didn't just talked about our studies but also about Paris. He asked me to tell him what I loved about Paris. When I started to talk, I rambled. He laughed and said that I mustn't think so much, but just say what I thought even if it was ramble. He said that it was better to hear honest rambling than perfectly put together answers like they were studied in. I love that. So I said that I love the different people in Paris and their hope to find the one in the city of love.
"Why do you love that?" Emir asked me. He was still on his side, but he was now sitting on the chair closest to me.
"Because it is so romantic and beautiful when I see that two lovers reunite again. Or when I see a couple kissing at the foot of the Eiffel tower. But I also love seeing tourists hanging out and laughing. That's why I love Paris, because it gives you the chance to find love, friendship, perhaps a good college education and just life in general" I say to him.
"That's interesting Lejla. I see that you are yawning. Are you tired?" he asks me. I look at the time on my phone and I see that it's 3 a.m., ofcourse I'm tired. I nod at him.
"I'm very tired. I think I'm going to sleep"
"Don't you have a blanket to cover yourself up with it?" Emir asks me.
"I have a blanket in the compartment. But it isn't cold, the heating is working in the bus. Good night Emir"
"Good night beautiful" he says to me. He obviously can't let that go. Emir takes his cap and puts it over his forehead so that his eyes are covered. I'm smiling because he just needs to call me beautiful. Every girl likes to hear that they are beautiful so you have the right to have a smile across your face, I'm telling myself. I'm plugging my headphones in my phone so I can listen to some music. I turn around and put my head on my little pillow. I'm thinking about my boyfriend, who is eager to see me.
I squeeze my eyes because it is obviously dawn already. The sun is shining through the window. I pull myself up to sit a little bit better, and I'm noticing something. My little blue blanket is wrapped around my body. When did I take the blanket from the compartment? It doesn't matter when I took it, because when I want to put the blanket away I immediately wrap myself with it again. It's so cold in the bus. Maybe the heating doesn't work anymore. When I look outside the window I see that we are surrounded by mountains, so we probably are in Austria. I also see that there is so much snow. Not just around us, but also a little bit on the road. That's the reason why we are moving so slow. When I'm more awake the first thing that comes to my mind is if Emir is awake. I look at him and I see that he is looking at me. No scratch that, he is staring at me. Emir has also noticed that it's colder in the bus because he is wearing a sweater.
"Good morning beautiful. Did you sleep well?"
"I actually did. And you?"
"Me too. Do you always sleep that long?"
"No. Wait, what's the time?"
"It's 12 a.m."
"Oh. Where are we now? We must be somewhere in Austria if it's 12 a.m."
"We are on the border of Austria. There was a traffic jam again" Emir says. Well this fucking sucks. Emir was listening to music on his phone and I was texting with my favourite niece in the world, Emra. She says that she misses me and that she can't wait to see me. Likewise. I told her about Emir and how weird he is. But also so funny, thoughtful and hot, I can't deny that. She told me that we should definitely go to Sarajevo when I arrive Tuzla to see him. Emra believes that I met Emir for a reason, yeah right. I reminded her that I had a boyfriend. She brushed that off. I know why, she hates my boyfriend. But no matter what, she supports me. Emra says the she must tell me something, but I don't have much call credit left over so I tell her that I will talk to her when we are heaving a break at a gas station where they have WiFi. We are finally in Austria.
We are 20 kilometers from the border of Slovenia. But we aren't moving and you know why? Because there is so much snow on the fucking road that the bus slipped a little bit and we had to wait for some people that had to take the bus out of the snow with a large chain. When the bus was dragged out the snow, the driver needed to follow those people. And they had the police with them. The police took some papers from the drivers and ordered them to wait for them at the nearest gas station. Oh and to top it all of, it was 7 o'clock in the evening. There was so much snow on the road that we had to stop sometimes. And let's just not forget about that the bus slipped and that we are now stuck at this gas station until the police returns. All the people on the bus were in the small restaurant that was behind the gas station. At least there was this restaurant where we could eat and drink. But when we finished our meals the restaurant closed and we had to go inside the gas station. I think that the Lord heard our prayers, because there was a small space in the gas station, where we all just could fit, and smoke our cigarettes. It was so cosy and warm that I forgot about all the bullshit that happened these past hours. Luckily for me there was Emir to talk to and the other people on the bus. Now we are sitting in this small place and talking, Emir and me. The more I talk to Emir the more I realize how intelligent and honest he is. I asked him questions about Sarajevo, his family and what he liked. He also asked me about my family, Paris and what I liked. Emir just cracks me up with the jokes he is telling me and with his stories. He told me a story when he was in Sarajevo at a café that an old woman approached him. Normally any other guy would tell the lady that they are not interested or they would be mean, but Emir said to the old lady that she should have a cup of coffee with him, and they did have coffee. When she asked him if he had a girlfriend he responded by saying that he doesn't have a girlfriend, but when he meets her that she will be the most beautiful girl in the world. And that he will make her smile. The old lady assured him that he will find that girl if he continued to be so nice and charming as he was to here. That was probably one of the nicest things anyone has ever done to another human being. He asked me about what my opinion is.
"My opinion about your experience with the old lady, boy toy?" I asked him. He laughed because I called him a boy toy.
"Yes. About my experience as a boy toy"
"I'm speechless, honestly. Because not many people would do that. I wonder...ah, never mind"
"No, what it is?"
"I'm wondering, how are you so sure that you will find that girl?"
"Because I am"
"That is not a proper answer"
"I know" Emir says. He gives me his cocky grin.
"Oh wait, did you cover me last night?"
"Yes I did. Before you ask me why, it was because you were freezing. I couldn't bare it any longer to watch you freeze in the bus. You could have gotten sick or catch a cold" Emir said to me. Once again he proves that he is such a gentleman, and that he was genuinely worried about me. That was...warming my heart. When he is all witty and funny, he makes me smile. When he is caring, he makes my heart melt. When calls me 'beautiful', he makes me swoon. My boyfriend doesn't call me 'beautiful'. Or anything for that matter. Sometimes I think it's good that he lives in Tuzla and I in Paris. It occurs me that I don't know what Emir was doing in Paris.
"Why were you in Paris?"
"Because I have a nephew in Paris. He studies electrical engineering like myself. He showed me around the university he is studying in and ofcourse he showed me Paris"
"That sound like fun. But don't you have like classes now to take?"
"I took two weeks off"
"Why? And how could you do that? That is just...just...I don't even have words for it. I would never do that!" I say to him. He smiles at me and asks if we could go outside to smoke and to catch some air. When we are outside I inhale the cold air. That is refreshing. I feel like I'm breathing again, because in that small place was so much smoke from all the people their cigarettes.
"How late is it Lejla?" Emir asks me. I frown at his question because it's not like he could go anywhere. I look at my phone and I see it's 10 o'clock in the evening. Holy shit!
"Oh my God, it's 10 o'clock in the evening. I can't believe that we are already here for three hours. They passed by so quickly, courtesy to you"
"Well I'm honoured. I have a confession to make" he says. I'm standing here and listening to what he has to say.
"I saw you a week ago sitting at a café that was located along the Seine. You were studying because I saw a textbook in your hands that had the title 'La pensée économique'"
"Are you serious?" that are the only words that I could think of right now. I feel kind of, wounded that he didn't came to me. Why do I feel wounded?
"I know that you are asking yourself why I didn't come up to you. Well I was in the car with my nephew and he needed to be home quickly because his roommate told him that a pipe had bursted. Luckily it was red for us at the stoplight, so I could look at you. I was so fucking angry because I thought that I would never see you again" Emir says to me. Swoon. I'm swooning over his words. Nobody has ever said something so nice and romantic to me. I smile at him
"But you did. Here I am"
"And I'm fucking happy about that. Earlier you asked me why I took off for two weeks" Emir says to me. I nod at him. I'm curious how he could take off for two full weeks!
"It's because I wanted to take a break from all those books and the same people that are complaining over and over again how hard every single thing is. I can't deal with that kind of negativity"
"That's actually pretty brave. But I would never ever do that!"
"Why wouldn't you? Because of the classes? Because of what people might think?" he asks me. I didn't respond to him directly, I responded to him in my mind. Yes I would never take two weeks off just because I want to. Also because my parents would be so angry at me. But his questions weren't just questions, they were on some level letting me think about some things. Do I really need to always play by the rules? Don't I also deserve one shot at rebellion? I never felt a thrill for anything. Emir moves closer to me and takes my hand. He entwines our fingers. I feel my heart bumping in my chest.
"Do you also know why I left? Because I want to head over to the edge of life. I want to feel euphoria. Do you feel like your heart is pounding?" he asks me, I nod at him. Emir moves closer, his mouth is now next to my ear.
"That's how you should feel every single day of your life beautiful" and with those words something started to burn in me. He looks at me like I'm the only girl in the world. Lejla don't get carried away and do something stupid that you would regret later. His lips are almost kissing my lips, but before that could happen I turn my head. When I'm looking into his eyes I see sadness, but also anger.
"Lejla if you aren't true to yourself than your partner won't be true to you. If you aren't willing to take a risk and see what the world has to offer, than you are making a mistake. Because there is so much beauty in the world but you are closing you heart and mind to it" when I wanted to respond the driver yelled that the bus will leave in five minutes. Emir freed our fingers and went inside the bus. His words were like a dagger through my heart. Why did I held back? Why didn't I kiss him when I obviously wanted to? Because of my boyfriend in Bosnia? Bosnia...shit! I forgot to call Emra, my niece. I see that she is on Viber so I call her immediately.
"Emra I don't have much time because we are leaving in five minutes. What did you wanted to tell me?"
"Last night I was in Millenium and your boyfriend was also there with his piece of shit best friend and ugly ass sister. Hunny, he was making out with her. And when I wanted to go home I saw them having sex on his car, it was disgusting. I'm so sorry sweety, I really am. I will kill him or hire someone to kick his ass"
"That offer sounds amazing, but you don't need to. I must go now"
"I love you, I really do little one. I wish you just opened your eyes sometimes"
"I know. I really must go now, I love you and I see you soon" I end the call and head into the bus. Emir is sitting on his seat listening to some music. When I want to sit on my seat, he didn't even gave me one glance. I can't blame him. For the rest of our trip we didn't talk. And that broke my heart. What was wrong with me? How could I be this affected to some guy whom I know for 30 hours?
We are officially in Bosnia and we already had one stop where two passengers stepped out. Our next stop is Tuzla. My hometown. For the whole ride my eyes were glued on Emir, but he was sleeping. Well it was almost 2 a.m., so I understand him. I understand him like I have never understood anyone. It is fascinating how much someone can mean to you in such a short period of time. His words were taunting me.
Do you feel like your heart is pounding? That's how you should feel evey single day of your life beautiful.
Do you also know why I left? Because I want to head over to the edge of life. I want to feel euphoria.
There is so much beauty in the world, but you are closing your heart and your mind to it.
Suddenly I'm hearing that the passengers from Tuzla must prepare because in five minutes we are at the busstation. I'm taking my handbag, my little blanket and pillow in my hand. Waiting to get off the bus. We are at the busstation and a lot of the passengers are taking off. I see that Emra is waiting for me, she didn't had to, because it's late, and I'm staying at her place which is like thirty seconds from the busstation. I stand up and I see that Emir is looking at me. Lejla don't do this to yourself, I move forward towards the door of the bus. I'm standing in the doorway and I see that my niece is waiting for me.
"No" I'm hearing myself say. Did I really just say that? Yes, I fucking I did. The driver is looking weird at me and is asking me if I'm getting off or not.
"No I'm not. I want to go to Sarajevo"
"That's fine by me"
"Can I say bye to my niece?" I ask the driver. He waves his hand that I can say goodbye to her. I hug my niece and briefly explain what's going on.
"I'm sorry that you had to wait. But I need to do this"
"Finally fuck yes! Get your head out of your ass start living. But please call me when you are in Sarajevo"
"I will. I love you so much" I hug her and head back into the bus. The bus is moving and I'm heading straight to Emir. When he sees me, he is smiling.
"Lejla..."
"It's a little bit of a shock, isn't it?"
"Just a little bit. But I'm so fucking happy. But why so suddenly?"
"Because someone told me that he wanted to find euphoria, and made me think about finding my euphoria. When I realized that I decided that I'm going to Sarajevo I felt it, I felt euphoria. Because normally I would never do this, and that's why I did it. My heart is pounding and I feel so happy, and I want to maintain that feeling. I actually don't know what I'm going to do and I don't care about that right now. Because right now I'm going to Sarajevo and I hope I could stay with you" I say to Emir. He is gaping at me. His green eyes are piercing through me. Suddenly his lips are on mine lips. Normally I would care if someone is looking, but now I don't. I let him take my lips.
"Ofcourse you can. You have no idea how happy I am, my beautiful girl"
"I can imagine. I'm taking a risk by leaving with you, but I'm willing to take it"
----------------------------
It's exactly three years since I met Emir. You are probably wondering how it is between us, well it's thrilling. My parents were shocked that I went to Sarajevo and that I suddenly had a boyfriend, but after a while they got used to it. They also liked Emir when he met my parents. He taught me that I should take risks, but ofcourse with caution, because I was his girlfriend. Yes we did have a long distance relationship, but we managed it. I made the effort to go as much as I could to Sarajevo, and he made the effort to come as much as he could to Paris. You are probably thinking why I'm saying 'was his girlfriend' and 'we did have a long distance relationship'. What's the reason why I'm talking in past tense? Sometimes life doesn't go as planned. In all these years I have found myself, I know what I'm capable of. I've seen what the world has to offer, and I gladly took every opportunity on my way. Emir helped me through a lot and he learned me a lot. And he will continue to do that, like forever. We are engaged now and living in Sarajevo. Yes, I moved to Sarajevo. I have an excellent job at a bank, and he is an engineer for a company. If Emir didn't push me to my limits three years ago I wouldn't be in Sarajevo right now. But Emir stayed by my side and supported me in everything. He is my rock, and I'm his.
Sometimes you got to step out of your comfort zone and push yourself to the limits. Because when you take on the biggest challenge that is life, you will succeed. Why? The reason why is because life has so much more to offer than just one thing.
So, will you take a step towards the edge of life to feel euphoria?