I want to give up my bearings, slip out of who I am, shed everything, the way a snake discards old skin.
~Khaled Hosseini, And the Mountains Echoed
I've failed at numerous things in life. I've failed to understand why people hurt one another. I've failed to understand why people choose to lie and cheat. I've failed to understand why good people lose and bad people win. I've failed to understand what time and space is. I've failed to understand love and hate. I've often failed to understand life itself, and some days even me.
But the one thing that I have utterly and completely failed to understand is the agony human beings put themselves through, over things which neither they have any control over nor can change. We know that time's running out with each sunset and sunrise, but does that mean that we look at death and morality as mere stopwatches lingering over our heads? If our demise is inevitable and meant to be, then what is the point in fearing it or fighting it? If each passing second is a ceaseless, irreversible subtraction from life then why is it that we choose to spend this journey trying to accumulate that which we cannot carry with us beyond the grave and into the afterlife?
You’ll come across a diverse range of people, platforms and products in your life which will tell you what you should be aspiring for. They’ll teach you to engage in this endless spree to add to your life-- money, houses, degrees, cars, friends, love, success, happiness. And they’ll claim to assist you and be by your side through it all.
But amidst this madness of wanting to constantly add to your life, I believe that we have forgotten that there’s only so much we could make space for in our limited time here. That to add to life, you must also be willing to constantly and diligently subtract. A well-lived life will hold no meaning if it is only characterized by gains and additions and raises. Not only would a life like that be one-dimensional and lacking character, but also unreal. This immense focus on moving forward with-it-all has blinded us such that we've failed to identify for ourselves some of the unwanted, unhealthy and unpleasant load that we've dragged along for years, losing space in our hearts to graciously carry it instead.
I am young; I know that. I am well aware of the number of years I have spent on this planet. I know I haven’t seen it all (and never will, just like everybody else) and that life hasn’t tested me in all of the ways it possibly can but I also know and am aware of all that life has indeed shown me till date. My experience isn’t incomplete, trivial or unmindful just because it does not span over fifty years or more.
The past few months in my life have been both interesting and challenging; there is much that I have learnt. Moments of Learning-- those are what I believe to have encountered; for some of which I am greatly thankful today. This right here, you reading this, is my Moment of Teaching. Well, obviously I am no expert and certainly no saint but I believe that sharing wisdom (if I may call any of this wisdom) and learnings can somewhat be loosely associated with teaching, right?
This is what I've been building up to-- the need to stop fretting over adding to your life, whatever it may be, and instead choosing to spend time discerning what it is that you should be subtracting from it to ensure that you carry on your shoulders, weight, that you truly and deeply care for.
I think for anyone to move ahead in life with a lighter heart and a heavier head it is essential that they organize an intervention for themselves, at a time which they deem fit, and simply unload.
You’ll surprise yourself with everything that you discover you need to say goodbye to, be it people (read: relationships), practices (read: habits) and/or principles (read: beliefs).
Some items you’ll find easy to give away, and for others to be thrown out of your life you might need an extra push. Just make sure you get down to this task with a tiny mix of clarity, will-power, self-control, and self-love. You will, however, also end up identifying things which will be harder to part with. You might want to not acknowledge that it’s time to bid adieu to some of those things. I can tell you that that will happen, and that it is okay. This process could not be completed overnight, and it isn't supposed to be either.
You will find that it is necessary to let things go; simply for the reason that they are heavy. So, let them go, let go of them. I tie no weights to my ankles.
C. JoyBell C.
But irrespective of whatever direction this offloading takes, remember to be kind and forgiving to your inner self. I believe I battled the most with figuring out who it is that should remain in my life and who were people I needed to leave behind. I've had numerous conversations about this subject with my close friends and here are a few words I have found myself frequently return to.
Let go of people who aren’t brave enough to share with you their true feelings.
Wearing your heart on your sleeve isn't a walk in the park, and I acknowledge that it is not possible to always share/be transparent about your emotions but if there's somebody who isn't willing to look beyond themselves and give you or your relationship a fair, genuine shot then there's no point keeping up with them.
You can never truly know another being.
Sometimes, life gets tough and it messes with people's head and heart. In confusing and demanding times like those, give your relationship a break and hit the pause button. Wait and see if things fall back into place organically, or if a short halt just isn't long enough to fix the issue at hand. If that's the case, then don’t force a relationship to exist just because it has existed all this while between you and another soul. Give the people around you a chance to discover their true selves and humbly walk out the door if your participation isn't needed in the process.
An apology isn't a free-out-of-jail-card.
Just because someone's come clean about their mistake/shortcoming, it does not mean that everything is slated to magically become okay and that you should choose to simply forgive and forget. Holding on to a complicated situation is never the answer; neither is harboring ill-feelings for another person a healthy way to live life. So, view that confession simply as a chance to assess your situation objectively and then decide what direction you'd like to move ahead in from that point on.
Everyone is going through their own journey; you aren't the only one.
It's possible that there comes a day when you reach a point in a given relationship where you need to go on and do your thing and the other person must go on and do their thing too, the two of you not necessarily moving forward in the same direction. Acknowledge the need for re-evaluation and let change happen. It won't be easy, I know, but you'll both be thankful for being brave in that moment all those years later.
Friendship is one of the most important relationships you'll ever build in your life.
Be careful in choosing who you decide to share your life with. Not everyone is meant to get a seat at your table. Some folks are mere spectators, some temporary participants, and some simply not cut out for you. Engage in a constant cleaning out of the space around you. There’s a reason why your real friends will always be just a handful. Love them, respect them, thank them and always let them know how much they mean to you.
Recognize when the role of another person in your life has come to an end and do yourself and them a favor by letting things be and letting them go.
One reason why that's an essential task is because only when you make space for better things and people in your life, do better things and people come your way. Each and every human being that you meet along the way has their role cut out for them, as a member of your life. Make sure nobody overstays or under-stays, and when it's time to say goodbye do that with an open heart and an open mind.
Choices define those who make them. Take a moment to understand peoples’ choice of words and actions and use that, in turn, to understand them.
Choices can be biased, insensitive or incorrect. But if bad choices become an everyday story then that's a wake-up call for you to work on identifying what it is that's causing people around you to make choices which end up harming you one way or another. You do not have to play another person's hero or savior before fighting for yourself.
Take your time and be mad about a bad situation. Be sad.
Ride that wave of disappointment and betrayal and pain. Do not keep any emotion bottled up. But remember to not let it consume you. Keep your head down, your heart clean, and live each day as it comes. And believe me, one day out of nowhere you will find yourself having moved on from it.
Pay attention to what's not being said out loud.
There’s a gentler way in letting someone know that you need time-off from them instead of brutally projecting your confused state of mind and unruly emotions onto a shared relationship. But if that is what happens, give the one dealing with pain benefit of the doubt and hold nothing against them. Don't weigh your life down in response to someone's crisis. You need to have your head on your shoulders before helping out another soul through distressed times.
Wish people well, offer help if need be, and then let things rest.
If they need you, they’ll reach out. If you think that you need to involve yourself because the situation demands it, then do that. But remember--not everyone needs or deserves your time and effort in helping them out. Also, you cannot help someone beyond a point in time, irrespective of how much you’d like to or want to. There are things which they’ll have to deal with on their own and you cannot contribute to that process in any way other than by simply being there for them when they reach out to you.
Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.
~Ann Landers
I must, however, clarify-- the idea isn't to leave and walk away at the first sight of trouble in a relationship. I've stayed put and fought and given myself and the relationship more than just a second chance. But what I've also come to realize is that anguish, grief, sorrow, pain and disappointment constitute love just as much as joy, happiness, warmth,companionship and elation do. I write this keeping in mind that it is of utmost importance to not lose your sense of self while in one; that putting the other person first each time isn't the only way to show your love for them.
We often read and hear tales of great love where wars were raged and blood was shed but that isn't how all of it plays out in our lives though, right? I view the coming together of two people as a massive collision between two sense of realities, which would invariably induce, at some point in time, adversity. The aim is to move towards a future where an intersection between these different realities begins to cultivate naturally (with some work by everyone involved, obviously), leaving each individual better off than before.
So, if you ever find yourself at a crossroads and do not know what direction to progress in, remember all of those words you just read five minutes ago and keep in mind that plain sailing is not an option. Ever. If it isn't making life better, let it go.