Dear dad,
i'm really sorry that i'm not the perfect daughter you wanted . i love you and you were my inspiration , you were my hero . i looked up to you .we used to have so much fun together . you used to tell me to follow my dreams . you gave me wings and told me to fly as high as i can .
But then what happened ???? you said that my dreams were a waste of time and that i'll never reach them. You ripped my wings and i fell down.
i wanted to make you proud but no matter how much i tried it was never enough.
i pushed past my limits for you , so you would say that you were proud of me , that you were happy to have me as your daughter but i was never good enough to hear those words from you.
my older sister , she is the star of your eyes . i could always see the happiness and proud look when you talk about her to everyone. no i'm not jealous of her , i never could be jealous of her because when no one else was there to support me she was .
Dad am i disgrace to you? its true i cant sing or dance or draw or learn an instrument as fast as sis but for you i did . i took music classes even though i knew i sucked at it. i took classical dance class for you i even performed in a stage and danced with kids of which most were half my age and size . i looked ridiculous i wanted to cry instead i put on my best fake smile and pretended that i was happy. i made a complete fool out of myself that day i was like Gulliver in Lilliput .i messed up all the steps . i had to bit back my tears so no one would see.
i was never good at any of the above but i do love to write
do you remember the day when for the first time i won second prize in story writing ? i was in 6th grade back then . when i told you that you smiled at me and said 'good job'
it wasn't much but those words made me so happy that i became cocky with my ability but then the following year i was unable to win any prize then you asked me why i cant be like the other kids and at least try to win something.
so i realized i need to work on my skills more . i trained and trained and desperately tried to improve my skills i wanted to make you proud.
The following year ( 8th grade) i won the First prize in story writing i was jumping up and down in joy .when i came home i told you how i won 1st prize but what you said to me next hurt me so much.
you said"its no big deal anyone can write a freaking story and win first prize try winning a singing or dancing contest or at least top your class"
Again i bit back my tears and nodded.
Do you remember the time when we were on vacation and was staying over at a relatives house with all our other cousins as well and when one of them asked me what me and sis were good at.
you told them that sis was good at singing ,dancing ,drawing and many more but you never mentioned anything about me
Do you know how much that hurt me?
i decided to tell them myself . i told them that i loved to write
but then you laughed....you freaking laughed and then everyone began to laugh and made jokes of me. It was hurtful but i laughed along.
Then i reached 10th i pushed my self to study and i participated in everything i knew i was good at. Did you know that i won 1st prize in story writing , 2nd in poem writing , and 3rd in the Jawaharlal Nehru poem writing competition and my team got first in the group song and 3rd in drama , did you dad ??? did you??
I showed you all my certificates hoping you would be proud of me.
do you remember what you did dad? you barely glanced over them and walked away with not so much as saying a word or at least smiling......that was the last straw dad....
i was invisible to you ....not only you but everyone else.....maybe you didnt mean that to happen....but that was what i felt . I get sis is in 12th so you have to discuss about her future and stuff ...but what about the year before that dad? i felt like no one cared about for 2 freaking years.....i had a lot going on....there was no one there for me.....sis she hated the school and the subject she was studying....did you know that dad? that the choices you made for her wasnt what she wanted....but she went along because she didnt want to disappoint you.
like i said i had a lot of shit going on with my life and had no one to turn to except my best friend....who is also is the person who saved me when i almost turned to self harm . self harm??? are you disappointed ?? disgusted??? surprised???
i'm glad she was there to stop me or else i have no idea where i would have ended up now.
( i live in india ... its my 10th grade final year exams)
then came the day my exam results came i got 90% marks with 3 A1 1A2 and 1 B1
i was so excited i couldnt believe i got that much....i was jumping up and down and i ran towards mom and told her and she said " only that much" while you smiled and nodded....but later when we were all sitting and talking about random stuff you told me that my sis who got 90% when she was in 10th had 3A1 and 1B1 so i had 1 less A1 than her . i dont know if you meant it in a joking way or not but it still kind of hurt not much ...but if i am confessing everything i might as well say everything
you wanted me to take biology in 11 and 12 th grade but i hated science and decided to take commerce.....you were horrified at this but little by little i got you convinced.
i got in to a very good school . i even volunteered myself to be the temporary leader(rep) of my class when the teacher asked on the first day because i wanted to change my self as in be more confident and stuff. The class was mostly of people i didnt know . ( i changed from cbse school to govt school after 10th). i still became friends with everyone.
Then came the elections for being class leader(rep) i was hesitant but my friends supported me so i did and i won with unbelievable votes i got 40 while others got 7 and 5 respectively i was surprised. there was 60 kids in my class and i got 40 votes those kids barely knew me for more than a month....but they supported me even though we've been friends for only a month.
that day was also the day for the election for student council which were selected from the leaders of different classes and to my luck i became the literary head .
yes i got in to the student council that too became the literary head.
it was such a happy day....i got home and told everyone.....everyone was happy
i told you and i got the same reaction as when i showed you my certificates. i felt numb. this was such a huge deal i got in to the freaking student council.
and then the next day i was telling mom all about it and then you walked in and told me that how come i never told about all this.
i told you that i did tell you and then you called me a liar
i gave up trying to make you feel proud long time ago because no matter what i do i'll never be good enough....its not just you its mom grandmas , my uncles , aunties all of you.....you all make me feel as i'm never good enough.
i'm sorry if i ever did anything wrong i really am
if you feel like i'm being distant its because i'm tired of feeling like shit.
what the hell do you want dad?
i honestly dont know what you want
you know what never mind cause i dont care anymore.
you told i'll never live my dreams just because i dont want to live it your way
you told me my dreams are just bullshit well i dont care what you think ....not anymore.
but you're still family so i do love you dad ...a lot
i hope one day you'll learn to accept me for what i am and not for who you want me to be....
with love,
your daughter