Hello dear TJ,
You know, as psychologists, we are taught one thing: Look for patterns. Once you start looking for patterns you are at a better place to confirm a phenomenon. If one thing happens a couple of times, one can’t overlook it right? All my life I had been looking for the patterns that will help me get to the bottom of myself. When I entered the Psychology circuit, I started looking for the patterns in others’ lives too. I mean it’s quite obvious right? If you always take the blueberry ice-cream, blue-berry cheesecake, blue-berry waffles, blue-berry pancakes or even blue-berry condoms, it is quite obvious that your favorite flavor is blueberry?
Since you have never been interested in knowing my past, I’d like to point out a few critical events. In January, I went out with a guy I met on Hinge. He and I clicked quite well. He told me “A, you are smart. You are funny. You make me laugh. You make me so happy! I have been so happy the past two days I spent with you.” He also said “A, you seem like a charming person, you care for other people too. I am just surprised you have never been in a relationship. I mean some idiot should have scooped you up already, no?”. The same guy I let inside my apartment after the date. We had fun with my flatmates and he slept in my bed. We made out and we took a break to talk. When I seduced him again, he told me “It doesn’t feel right. I have been wanting to do this since yesterday but I don’t know what happened, it just doesn’t feel right to be doing this.” He told me in my own fucking bed on my own fucking face that it doesn’t feel fucking right. As horny as I was, I kept all my sexual energies aside just to console him and I didn’t push him. He didn’t meet me after and maybe I am over him but I am not over that experience. You see every time I discuss it with him, he says “Aditi, I did it because of my own reservations. It has got absolutely nothing to do with you. Please don’t think that.” Basically, he is still hung up on his ex. He had a 3 years old relationship. I told him I understand but I also told him that I liked him so I would like to hang out with him as friends. We never met though. In order to get over that experience, I found another rebound on Hinge and it went quite bad. I realized I was being impulsive and stupid. Then I met you and you told me you had a long relationship too. That’s when I told you “It’s a pattern. I have never been loved and I don’t want to be with someone who is still hung up or even close.” You told me “You said you have never been loved. That stuck with me. I’d like to put an end to this atrocity that the universe has allowed to go on for so long.” You told me “I am always ready to fall in love.” I never brought you to my place, not because of the security hassles at my apartment but because I didn’t want to have another one of those experiences where the other guy fails me. His name was J. J also told me “You are a very good psychologist. I usually don’t disclose so much but I overshared with you.” The truth is, I am tired of empathizing, TJ. I am tired of putting myself in the shoes of others and telling myself “A, it’s not you. It’s them. It’s always them.” I am tired of being the understanding one because I am a human too, after all, you know? I am tired of consoling myself because for once, I want things to go the right way. All the guys I hooked up with in the past, ended up in a serious fucking relationship right after I left them. And every single one of them told me “I am emotionally unavailable. I hope you don’t expect anything serious out of this.” Everyone says that to me. The truth is: I AM NOT A FUCKING FOOL You think you’ll touch my cheeks and kiss me passionately and I’ll call it love? That’s what you thought right? You thought I was putting in the efforts of calling you and you ended up feeling guilty and you didn’t wanna give me wrong signals so you told me you love me but you can’t fall in love with me. With all this, do you think I am still stupid to think I am not good enough? Do you still think that my self-loathing and self-pity tendencies are stupid? You are right, maybe I am good at reading you, I am good at reading others but I don’t think I am so good at reading myself. I was never over J and I am still not and I don’t think I’ll be over you so soon, too.
I am sad because you were the one good thing that happened to me and I scared you and sort of pushed you away. I am sad that it is so easy for you to let go of me. I am sad that you began with expressing an intention of making me feel loved and ended up telling me you can’t fall in love with me. I am sad that I kept adjusting to your ideas of an unconventional relationship and never expected one phone call from you despite wanting to talk to you so much. I am sad that I have never ever been in a relationship and I wasn’t getting much out of our thing too but I still kept hanging in there. I never complained to you or to anyone because I was okay with whatever there was.
But apart from being sad, I am also angry. I am angry that one morning you decide to throw a huge bomb on what we had and don’t even bother to check whether I am even online. It looked so much like you just wanted me off your back. I am angry that I kept on adjusting inside my head and that the uncertainty had pushed me to cross my own boundaries. I had always wanted to have this conversation with you but I thought maybe I’ll have this in person because that’s just how much I respect what we have and that’s just how much I respect you. I am angry that you decided so quickly you can’t ‘fall in love’ with me and assumed that I will stoop so low to have you in my life that all I will care about is sex. I am angry that this is how desperate you think I am. Perhaps, I am desperate and I wear that medal with pride. But I am not desperate for your body, I am desperate about having something meaningful. I am not blaming you for breaking any ‘promises’ because fuck your promises, to be honest. I am only reminding you of what you said and did. You changed your colors conveniently because you can’t handle something ‘emotional’ or ‘deep’. I am angry that I thought you cared and now you don’t and I have to live with this distraught image of yours. Because I never wanted to think so low of you.
I understand that few things are just not meant to happen and nobody should be blamed here but I can’t help but hate the universe. I hate this universe so much that one good thing that had kept me happy was for such a small duration. I am sorry, TJ, but I don’t think I can hang out with you for ‘benefits’. I don’t look for benefits in things that I value. I value you. As naughty as I have always been, I wasn’t there just for sex. With this, my love, I am taking a break from dating and hooking up and boys in general lol because two experiences in a row have left me quite scarred haha and in the moment, I don’t have the strength to go on. I am temporarily giving up hope on this but in some time maybe I will be back again for someone good:D
Please know that I don’t expect any response from you on this. I just want you to simply know what I feel. I have zero expectations from you. I may have come across as ugly or desperate or loud or aggressive. I am sorry about that. I want you to know all this because I don’t keep things bottled up. You should know I will always have teensy bit of pure love for you. Always.
But there is no way, with this, I will have the guts to tell myself “A, it’s okay. It’s not you. It’s them. It was always them.”
Bye-bye!