Life Comes in Circles...!!

“ .. and I don’t trust love anymore!!

How can I??

… It is something that is there one second, alive and spreading happiness and in the other second it fades away…”

You know I turned 25 this year and turning 25 was big for me. I had this big bucket list of things I wanted to do or experience before turning 25 like getting a tattoo or an all-girls trip etc etc.. and I am really happy today because now when I looked back at it I realized I have done almost everything in that list but right now am scared, am embarrassed because in the last few days I have done things that I never expected of me... I need to hold myself now... Well you must be wondering why am I mentioning it here and what is all this? So let me answer it to you now. I am mentioning it because my bucket list wouldn’t have been fulfilled without you… Or to be more precise without that feeling that I get when I see you or think of you and by the way am thinking a lott about you since last few days…

And I am writing this because this is what I am.. I am a very extrovert person and I can say things but I love books and words and I am someone who believes in the power of words… I can feel words and so when I have to express something I choose to write rather than say. There is also one more reason … it’s difficult to say everything but when I write I can be more honest… you cannot listen to same things once spoken but you can always reread things that have been once written…

Right now we know almost nothing about each other but even then when I see you smile It brings a smile on my face.. I get speechless and conscious and I may have behaved a bit weird in front of you.. I tried to be normal believe me but I just couldn’t control.. I have started noticing everything about you recently… the way you smile, the way you walk, the way you talk and even your mail signatures.. :P

But no I cannot do this anymore... I have gotta control myself now…

My life hasn’t been easy… well I know no one’s life is easy but still…. I lost my parents when I was 17yrs old in a car accident on 27th June 2009. That day changed my life completely… For a few days I thought I have lost my reasons to live and I hated everything in this world... I hated the fact that everything in this world was going normal when I wasn’t…. you know we were visiting a temple that day when we met that accident… I lost my faith in god that day… The questions like what and why this has to happen with me still haunt me... But I had my younger brother to take care off and he is the only reason for me to live each day till now… I love him like anything in this world…

Somehow when I was trying to cope up with life at that time I fell in love with someone… I was in a relationship for 5yrs and then he cheated on me with my best friend… the world shattered again and this time I lost my faith in love… Since then I have started to live in moments and all that matters to me is that I have to make my parents proud of me… and I have to do everything for my brother.

After that day I never thought I will be standing at this place again… I don’t know what’s going on with me since last two weeks… I am confused and its strange because before two weeks I was completely normal… I have been working with you for almost an year now and I never felt this way before… I don’t know what happened that night.. I just remember the moment when I kissed you on that terrace that morning… it was around 5 AM… that morning light.. that cool breeze .. it was a beautiful moment… just like a dream or a movie scene…

Aah!! I so wish I could tell you right now that am thinking about you and its been years since I have got this feeling.

But no.. I cannot tell you any of this.. this time even the timing is wrong. There is already someone in your life and I cannot be the other woman… Also, right now what we have it’s the best you know… we don’t need to ruin things or make it complicated. Even if I do say all these things to you.. then what?? I don’t want a relationship… all that I can give right now is this moment… the today… I will be hopefully leaving this place in a few days and I cannot hold you for something I cannot give right…??? 

You know what I wrote in my bucket list was that I want to have this feeling again where you go crazy just by looking at someone… when you can listen to your own heartbeat… but I forgot one thing that this feeling doesn’t come alone. It brings along a lot of other feelings like fear of losing someone, dependency, insecurity, vulnerability... and no I cannot handle all this right now…

You know all this time as I have been thinking about you I have been wondering if you are feeling something too?? If not the same may be just 10% of it… I know you are shy and innocent kind of guy and I don’t wanna spoil you… or to be honest I no nothing about you.. there is just one thing I can say right now that when I am with you I feel happy… you are a wonderful person. You know since last few years of my life I have been taking care of everybody and everything around me but when I am with you and you take care of me it feels so good that I wanna behave like a child again…. Just be carefree for a while and not think about anything and live that moment with you… That’s the most precious gift you have given me and thank you so much for being there… for making me feel things that i have forgotten…

As much as I wanna know your feelings for me the irony is that at some point I don’t wanna know it too… because either way you say yes or no… the result is gonna be the same. If its yes I will have to break your heart and if it’s no you are gonna break mine somewhere… So you see this is the best we have got and we will have to keep it till here only…

I wish I could have the courage to say all these things to you. I wish I could know you more... maybe we could have spent some wonderful time together and made some beautiful memories... I could have just sat with you talking all my rubbish and not letting you say anything and kissing you in the middle of nowhere… but alas! This is just gonna be a fantasy… I have lost a lottt of things in my life and I am afraid I cannot lose anymore… I don’t wanna go back there again from where it was so difficult to get out once… so I have gotta control myself now.

I am gonna miss you and remember you always. And some days I am gonna wonder what might have happened if I would have said these things to you… but I will be happy that I got those moments with you… And I will be glad that I didn’t ruin it… Somewhere I know that I have made the right choice… and you will never know any of it… I wish you get all the happiness in this world and everything you desire.

At last there is a song I have been listening to in a loop all while and I just wanna write it here-

Maana ke hum yaar nahin, lo tay hai ke pyaar nahi

Phir bhi nazarein na tum milana, dil ka aitbaar nahi….