Saudade

Dear Mr. A

“I want you here with me, if only for one night.”

Well to begin with, wish you a very very very happy birthday my dear. May the coming year/s be as wonderful for you as you are and you stay happy and blessed always.

Let me ask you a question now, have you ever written a letter to someone? I am guessing no.

Anyways, did you notice the heading of this letter??? Wonder what it is??? Hehe.. I am sure you do not know it so let me remind you something else, do you remember once I asked you a question about what is your favourite word? And you said dictionary...: P (that was a bad joke) Well Saudade is one of my all-time favourite word.. And if I ever have to write a story about my life, this will be the heading of the chapter about you and me...

Saudade is a Portuguese word, which means a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia. It’s the recollection of feelings, experiences that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now makes one live again. In other words, it means “the love that remains”. It brings sad and happy feelings all at once; sadness from missing something loved and happiness for having experienced the love.

There is no direct translation of this word in English. It's one word that can express many emotions.

I feel that is the best word to describe what we are or what we have or may be what I feel for you. I have longed for something like this which we have right now. I don’t know if this is the right word but this is what came to my mind and felt just right to me. On the other hand, maybe there is no such word; after all we don’t need to define everything right?

Well, this is not about the word. It is about me, you, and everything in between so let us begin…

You know when I met you I was not actually looking for anything. It was supposed to be just knowing people, getting social... Then like everything else in my life I met you when I was least expecting of things. You know for a long time I have actually looked for these things, wished for them and then years passed by and I stopped looking for it. I thought I wasn’t meant for this or may be simply I don’t deserve it… and then I met you and everything changed..

I remember you walking over to me in your black t-shirt, blue jeans and a helmet in your hand… you were so normal and I was so nervous.. I don’t remember the first thing that you said to me, must have been a hi… but I remember how happy I was that evening having ice cream with a stranger in a blind date at a corner house and blabbering things, just anything. Then the night went by and with every passing moment, it turned out to be more beautiful or rather amazing I should say… and that is how I met you.

To be honest, even then, I did not think that one day you will mean so much to me but now when am looking back to last 4 months, I just can’t imagine it without you.

You are a truly wonderful man. You are caring, loving, kind and smart and above everything, you see something in me that has made you stay for so long... something that I never understand…

You know I was scared at the beginning, I have tried to push you away far too many times because the very next day when I woke up alongside you I realized am in a big trouble... thank you for sticking with me at those times... thank you for loving me and caring for me. I know how broken I am or what a mess I can be and yet you supported me throughout… I have no words to express my gratitude for everything that you did.

Actually, I should not think about thanking you because if I start that the list will just go on and on and on… Everything that you have done for me, with me, you have made my life beautiful every day ever since.

You know I still wonder why you love me??? How in the very first meeting you were so sure that am your girl…??? And I really don’t know what was that made you stay for so long…

I did not fall for you that day when I met you and am sure of it, but I do not know when it exactly is that I fell for you. I think it was not one moment rather it was everything all together that I fell for the very thing I was scared off and I did not even realize it for a time. You know you are not exactly what I wanted and yet you are everything I needed.

You say that you have your flaws and that you are not perfect and you may not be but for me you have been perfect every moment and I have really tried to find some flaws in you, I mean really tried and yet I cannot find a single one so far…

I thought a lot about what I should give you on your birthday; I wanted it to be special for you. I want you to feel special because you are… and when I started thinking about it I couldn’t think of a single thing that will make this perfect man feel special. Then I started remembering everything you have done for me, from sticking with me when I was in my bad mood to coming to see me in the middle of the night, to make me laugh or to just hold me when I wanted to cry out loud… I really appreciate everything that you have done for me and I have no words to say how happy you make me. It was in that moment that I had so much going inside me and I wanted to write them out because I want to remember precisely what I felt at this moment for the rest of my life and then this word stuck me… Saudade... and this came out..

That night I just wrote everything and then moved on to buying a few gifts for you. Later I realized may be this is the gift I should I give you. I met you as a mystery and am no longer a mystery for you. You can read me just by looking at my face or hearing my voice and yet it is difficult for me to express the things that are going in my mind or heart in front of you. So I thought maybe I should give you this, my honest vulnerable feelings for you that I wrote down in the middle of the night thinking about you... well I do think a lott about you now a days..

But most importantly I wanted you to know how you make me feel and how awesome you are and you really mean a lot to me… so much that am scared of losing you. Though I know one day, I will have to let you go. We are not each other’s forever and yet you are my lobster… You are my Always… Moreover, am glad for the day I got your message in OKC and I thought of replying which led to this astonishing journey with you by my side and am going to cherish every moment of this for the rest of my life. This is something that is making me want to live again. If I ever get the chance to go back in time and to redo, the things we did or how we met, I would do it exactly as it is and will not change a single thing because it was just perfect in every way.

I hope you have a wonderful future ahead and I hope one day when you think about me, I will be a happy memory for you. I hope you think of me as a crazy girl who fell for you and what a crazy time we had together. Think of all the good and bad times we have had, smile, and wonder and then move on with whatever you are doing at that moment.

Know that wherever you are and wherever you go, you will always be in my heart and my thoughts. Know that am always with you. I wish you get everything you desire and all your wishes come true.

With lots of love and best wishes,

Ms. M