Growing up with a skinny body and a weak personality got me bullied when I was in elementary. Because I thought I was too inferior to face them; I accepted their harsh words and actions towards me. I was called stupid, I experienced being framed in 3rd grade, got my books hidden under a drum, and had been ignored for months by all of my classmates in 5th grade with no known cause. To this day, I am still wondering why. In 6th grade, I managed to unconsciously make one of my bullies cry. I was honestly happy.
In Junior High, I started to erase all my unhappy memories. I studied harder and became very conscious of my grades. In 8th grade, I fell off TOP 10 of our class. I could say it is one of my saddest years. I felt new. From nursery to 7th grade, I was a consistent honor student. Not being able to step on the stage and receive an award for a year made me feel less. At the same time, I promised myself to once again rise in 9th grade and so I did. I was recognized With Honors during our Moving Up in 10th grade. I was back on my track.
Senior High School got me nervous. Some say that the real smart and intelligent students will emerge in college. That college will be the true measurement of intelligence. If the senior high school did not exist, I am supposedly in college now. And so I treated my 11th grade as 1st year in college. I challenged myself and tried to see if I could stay on the rank. I did. From 1st semester to 2nd, I was recognized With High Honors. I was amused with myself. I was only trying to catch a catfish but instead got a king salmon. It was indeed an unexpected blessing.
This is where realizations wandered my mind. If I could stay on the rank, no bullies will be able to step on me. My grades in academics became my shield from people. It became huge walls, a barrier that protects me. Today, I am afraid of falling off the rank again.
Probably the liminality that is happening to me right now is the confusion to become a happy-go-lucky student and free from the pressures I give myself or stay as one of the most grade-conscious student one would ever meet. Sometimes, I wish I could just sleep in the class, do not bother to review before quizzes or exams and just try to pass. Sometimes, I want that. I wish I could free myself from these chains I tied myself to in academics. I wish I could just aim for a passing grade instead of a line of 9. I wish I could become lazy and be happy if I ever receive “With Honors”. But this ambitious personality within me is stronger. I want to graduate with High Honors. I don’t want to settle for less. I don’t want to aim for a ‘passing grade’. I want a straight line of 9. I want to be on top because if I managed to climb up high, no one would be able to cross me. I would be free from pain people could give me.
Some people stay as thorns of roses or cactuses in our lives. Our hearts and minds would be the balloons. If we can’t cut or remove their thorns, then we would have to adjust. Let’s just become formidable and strong. In that way, no matter how sharp their thorns are, they would not be able to inflict us wounds.
Should I pressure myself and aim for the top and best or be free and happy for less? That, I don’t know.