Retirement doesn't suit her.
Lian couldn't help laughing bitterly at that thought. What retirement? They just cut me out like a bad leaf in a beautiful rose.
She absently held the bottle of alcohol in her hand that she hadn't even drunk yet tightly, unable to loosen up her hold, nor stop the thoughts running through her head.
She stared at her lap, slowly running her other hand on her wasted legs. She imagined feeling a slight, irrelevant pain as she pinched it as hard as she could. Unfortunately, she didn't feel a thing even when the part where her nails dug into her flesh bled.
Without thinking about it, she drank the bottle of alcohol without stopping until the content is gone. There wasn't any effect. Again, she drank, and drank, and drank. Bottle after bottle that was within her reach was taken and consumed.
In a normal day, she would never have been tempted to use alcohol for whatever purposes other than when it was required by her mission, and even then she's careful on how much she takes even though her alcohol tolerance is exceptional.
Until now.
She did not, for once, cared about its eventual effect on her. Instead, she sought after the feeling of being inebriated. One she had never tried before. The state wherein one can apparently, momentarily forget about their problems. The so-called feeling of freedom.
But no matter how many she drank, no matter how strong, it did not have the desired effect, nor did it give what she wanted. There wasn't freedom. The only thing that the alcohol left her was the feeling of light-headedness.
They lied.
Lian blinked her eyes rapidly at that thought before suddenly giggling which then evolved into amused laughter. She felt incredulous at herself for thinking that.
She had always known that alcohol would never be able to help a person. It only gave a false feeling of happiness. It messes your mind and your body. You can't think in a rational way and would often than not follow whatever first ideas you have in your mind regardless of the cost. It will never give you the feeling of freedom.
She had known that. She knows.
Alcohol leads to recklessness.
Recklessness leads to death.
Though she thinks that death may have been okay than being like this. At that sudden, unexpectedly clear depressing thought, she shook her head. She felt like thunder was screaming right in her head.
She isn't some weak-willed girl who gets crushed easily just because of a minor setback. She's strong. She might not be able to ever walk again but it isn't the end of the world.
She's strong, not because of her body but because of her mind.
At that thought, Lian had a sudden clear enlightenment. The heavy fog that unusually clogged her mind for the past few days lifting up with ease. She found herself looking around her living room and couldn't help grimacing at the utter mess that made itself known and her brain finally properly calibrated to really see and understand.
There are bottles all over the floor and table, broken glass and scattered papers. There were even some teared paper bills soaked in alcohol. With a little difficulty as she wasn't yet used to using her wheelchair - she resolved to practice until she can own this freaking contraption like it was a part of her body - she wheeled towards her kitchen.
If her living room is a mess, her kitchen is a disaster. Dirty dishes were left there to rot on the sink. There were also still some food on the table that hadn't been kept and was now becoming food for the pests. The floor is glistening... Is there some oil on the floor?
The scene made her head throb in pain and the vast amounts of alcohol she had consumed seemed to have amplified it.
Though it took her a long time and with quite a foolish determination to finally feel a slight buzz from the drinks she had before, she regretted succumbing to her depression. Especially when the unpleasant sight of her house looking like a dumping ground for garbages was enough to instantly sober her up, making her head feel like her it had been split wide open using a rusty knife.
This is the reason why she had never liked consuming alcohol. It is the instant loss of control especially when you become heavily inebriated and the clarity of her mind is questioned.
She hadn't realized she had turned this bad. She shook her head, extremely disappointed at herself. The mess of her house and herself let her know well how far she had fallen.
Just because of the so-called retirement? She shook her head even as she snorted. It wasn't the retirement that made her like this, it was the implied statement that just because she became a cripple, she is now seen as useless and was let go.
Thinking about it clearly now, she felt insulted, indignant and bitter about the situation. It then led to depression and to this.
Though it is true that she'd have a difficult time with her being like this but it wasn't as if being in the field is the only thing she is good at. It wasn't just her physical abilities that made her become one of their best agents. It was also her mind. She didn't need to be able to wall just to use it.
But they didn't even think twice before taking her out and revoking her access to everything. It's fortunate that she had never really used the room left for her in the headquarters as her base and just treated it as a guest room especially for her when she needed to crash. Or else she won't be able to even get her things out of there.
An accomplished and successful assassin like her, feared by the people who had ever heard her name be it that they knew her or not, taken out just like that, discarded like a piece of used toy.
Determined to not think about her current predicament and with her bitterness now swallowed by her renewed determination, she wheeled towards her room and sobered herself up even more by splashing cold water on her face before she started cleaning up.
It was tricky and slow and took quite a while, more than the time she usually does anyway due to her present state. But she did and she felt a sense of accomplishment as she stared at her clean house once again. The freshly pristine house made her feel content. It was like she had been born anew. After a while, she wheeled to her room and cleaned herself up too before she decided to call it a day and sleep.
For the next week, her days had been like that. She stayed all day inside her small home busy cleaning the house or reading books that had accumulated inside her spare room she treated as her office-slash-library as she did not have time to read them when she was still... whole. But now that she suddenly found herself having a lot of boringly free time, she decided to finish all her stack.
She had finally settled and calmed herself down from the clawing depression she suffered ever since it was finalized that she needs to 'retire'.
It was when she is fully immersed in the book she is reading - the alphabetical title mystery books of Sue Grafton - when her phone rang in a ringtone that she had assigned particularly to someone. She lifted her head up from the book she was reading and stared at her phone that was on the table just beside the chair she is sitting in.
[M], it read. With her eyes narrowing in confusion, she folded the top edge of the page of the book she is reading before closing it and placing it on the table. She's contemplating whether to answer the call when it suddenly stopped and her recorded voice sounded.
[What is it? I'm out, so leave your message and don't call back] came her deadpanned voice. The edge of her lips twitched once she heard that. She remembered how this particular recorded message came about.
It was from about a year ago. She had just woke up from a quite unpleasant memory she could not even remember, head feeling quite like it had been hit by a hammer repeatedly. She had been feeling nauseous and her phone continuously rang without regards for her pain. It was particularly shrilling she recalled.
Irritated, she had to cancel the call to concentrate on getting her headache manageable but it came back again and again regardless of her obvious refusal to answer. She had thrown her phone and got another one the next day she was feeling well and recorded that message, still very much irritated.
"Think it's time to change it," she murmured.
[L, if you hear this, callback. It's an emergency.]
She frowned as the message ended. The voice of M is just like his typical tone, sounding bored with a dry drawl to it. But she had been his friend long enough to recognize the tension and the agitation slightly accompanying the tone of his voice. She decisively took the phone and rang him up.
[What's the emergency?]
[Straight to the point, I see,] was M's reply. She rolled her eyes at that.
[I am not in the mood for pleasantries M. I know you know what happened but you still called me for this so-called emergency. This must be important. What is it?] She heard a sigh and she can imagine him shaking his head at her.
[There is something I have to tell you. Come to the usual place] he then cut the call, as usual. She released a sigh before she started to move.
Despite deciding to go and see what the so-called emergency M had that he had to involve her and did not even tell what it was on the phone, he could feel that something is about to happen this time.
She had always been perceptive and had a strong survival instinct along with her sharp mind. It's the reason why she is so successful with her career and is still alive today with only her legs as the casualty despite her last dangerous mission.
This 'emergency' M called to her stirred up her fight and flight instinct even though she wasn't yet there.
When this happens, she usually would not go. She has a healthy regard for her life. She's good, brilliant even that no one could compete with her one on one but she knows her limits. This is M though. He is her best friend, someone she trusts the most and is one of the most important people to her. She has so few precious people and she treasures them a lot, especially when not all of them are alive.
In fact, only M is left relatively intact.
So she decided to go, regardless of the great risk it will bring her.
She can't drive seeing her legs are useless so she called a cab and had it deliver her to the closest place of their discussed meeting arrangement that is still relatively crowded to avoid suspicion. She then called M to let him know of the place so he could come and collect her.
They both obviously forgot about her condition.
It is only a small matter and it didn't even take M five minutes to get her. The car was silent and M looked to be tense.
"What's wrong?" she asked. She couldn't stay silent while M looked to be almost panicking, though it can't be clearly distinguished as her friend has an excellent poker face.
"Not here."
It isn't secure? She frowned in concern. She did not do anything else and decided to just wait until M decided it's okay.
They stopped in a pretty secluded place. The care stopped right in front of the cliff overlooking the City below. Her heart started pounding for no reason. She felt a little apprehensive. Something in her is warning her about this place. It can't be seen on her face though due to her naturally expressionless face though. That had always been to her advantage. She forcefully calmed herself down as she accepted the helping hand M extended towards her. He made sure that she is secure in her wheelchair before he wheeled her towards the edge.
Her eyes narrowed. "M..."
At that moment though, her mind suddenly felt like it's been forcefully pulled apart by a pair of steel hands. She flinched in surprise. The pain is intense but her tolerance has always been high so it was tolerable. Besides, the pain is slowly receding by the second. She stared at her friend, unable to determine what was going on inside his mind.
She didn't want to think about the possibility that M has... questionable reasons why they had to come to this place and why he particularly has to wheel him towards the edge of the cliff.
But what if...
"I'm sorry but... I have to do this Lian."
Her eyes went wide upon hearing the clear and concise voice of M inside her mind. She looked at him in disbelief. Am I... hearing him in my mind?
"Yes, you are."
She blinked rapidly at that, too taken aback at the bizarreness of this situation. She felt like she had stepped into the world of mutants as this one looks to be telepathy. Is X-Men real?
"We don't have time. They'll find out you dominated Lirica and that the synchronization with you is different. I don't want you to die."
She frowned. From the second she stepped out of that car, everything didn't make sense. It was like she stepped out into an alternative world.
Her mind rapidly worked as they got closer and closer to the cliff. M's statement in her mind gave few clues for her to fully understand. She knows now though with certainty that once they are at the edge of the cliff, M would push her to her death. There is no use denying that., especially when he had already confirmed that. Though her friend looked to be prepared to kill her, she can feel his reluctance to do so. But he still seemed to think this is the only choice at all.
He said he didn't want her to die but isn't pushing her to the cliff will lead to her death? If she is in her perfect and in full control of her whole body, she knows she'll survive as she has plenty of ways to keep her life secure even in the state of falling., though she'll suffer some injuries no doubt. But she's currently a cripple and can't control her legs.
Who is Lirica anyway? And M implied she'll die if they found out her supposed synchronization is different. What synchronization? Who are the people that could kill her without her apparently putting up a fight as her friend implied that she has no chance of survival?
The more she analyzed the situation, the more questions popped up in her mind. And answers aren't really that forthcoming.
"Don't think too much or our connection will snap. You'll find answers later. For now, just trust me."
Connection? How is thinking too much enough to snap the so-called connection? And how is she even going to get answers if she's soon going to die? Does he really think she is a miracle worker and could still survive despite the fall in her current condition? If so, he has a lot of faith in her.
But he implied that he had to make sure she's killed. Or is that just her imagination?
"This is the only way."
"Michael..." she looked at his eyes to really understand his current motivation but all she saw was tightly concealed fondness, worry, and fear. For her. There was also slight hints of regret colored with determination and trust. The mixture is interesting and genuine enough to make her believe he really thinks this is the only solution. She felt warmness staring at his eyes. Her tense body slowly relaxed as she finally decided to let go of all her wariness. She smiled at him.
"I trust you."
She doesn't exactly understand anything that is currently happening. She has a lot of questions than answers. She also knows she'll die. But at that moment, it didn't matter.
She trusts M. She trusts her friend. She knows he won't let her down. Though she did not know how dying saves her.
This is blind faith Lian, she told herself. Strangely enough, she did not care one bit.
They stopped right at the edge of the cliff. She saw endless darkness as they were there in the evening. Every fear she had was silenced. Her fight and flight instinct calmed down.
"Let's see each other again." That was her saying goodbye. She didn't know what will happen when she dies but she hopes she'll see her friend and those few precious people she had. She just realized that despite her impressive self-preservation, she has a lackadaisical view of death once she's finally facing it. But she contributes her lack of fear to her friend. She knows she'll fight a hell of a lot more if it was in any other way. M's hand holding the handle of her wheelchair was coiled tightly enough that she could see the tension in his arms, although his face remained indifferent.
"This is a temporary goodbye. Look for me." His voice in her mind felt soft. Though she is confused about that, she didn't really pay it any attention. She just smiled.
She took the initiative to jump out of the wheelchair M was securely holding back towards the endless darkness below the cliff. She did not want her friend to be the one who pushes her.
Despite her agreeing to it at the last possible minute, she wanted her death to be done by herself.
She faced M as she fell down, smiling a little at him as she was swallowed by the darkness.
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
A/N:
Quite a long sneak peak to the story I had completely forgotten. Leaving this as a oneshot for the moment.