There are some stories that can't be told. Some memories that dare not be explored. We try to hide them. Try to move on with our lives. But there are those memories that cannot be forgotten, no matter how hard you try. The depth at which you bury them will never be deep enough to cover up the pain or the shame. Bury them under years of school, years filled with confusion and heartbreak. Under years and years of hurt that, even combined, don't add up to the pain that we try to hide beneath them. Not even forcing yourself to be so busy that you literally get sick hides them. It makes it worse. It weakens you and it allows the deepest, darkest memories eat you alive.
Triggers. They're everywhere. Families, siblings, dolls, buses, that room that was your's. Thing after thing that brings it up. You have forever changed me. You have made my life so hard. Caused so much trouble. Christmas. It brings me pain. A time of giving, worshiping our Lord, spending time with family. It hurts me. All because of you. I dislike Christmas because of you.
I hate myself. I judge myself to the point that I feel like I'm not worth anything. I bully myself. Your voice, your ways, you made an imprint in my mind. I judge myself harder than you judged me. Your abusive words force themselves into my everyday thoughts. Your abusive actions... They have scarred me. Not physically but mentally. The bruises. I feel them even though years have gone by. You helped make me who I am. But instead of being the support that I needed, you were the rock that crushed my spirit, flew at me when something good happened for me. You are expunged from my life but you still exist in my mind...