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Her phone buzzed. It's a text message. Is it from him?
She looks at the lock screen.
iMessage from Theo.
It reads -
"Yes. This is Theo. It's very nice to meet you, Teresa."
She replies -
"So...how does this work?"
Theo: Let's start simple. Tell me about yourself.
Teresa: Well...
Theo: It's okay. You don't have to tell me. We can talk about something else.
Teresa: It's not I don't want to...I've just never done this before. And that too via texts.
Theo: Would you rather we chat over the phone?
Teresa: Do you charge for that too?
Theo doesn't reply. Teresa waits. For 10 seconds.
Teresa: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to offend you or anything.
Theo: It's not a problem. No. I don't charge for an introduction call.
Teresa: Oh okay. Well, sure. We can talk on the phone.
Teresa waits. A minute passes. She clutches her phone. Her palms are sweating.
Her phone rings. She stares at it, takes a deep breath, and taps on "Answer".
Teresa: Hello?
Theo: Hi. It's Theo. How are you?
Teresa: I a-am...(clears her throats) I'm good. I uh..I like your voice.
Theo: Thank you.
Teresa: So...what happens next?
Theo: Well, we can talk. You can ask me questions. Then if you'd like to proceed, we can discuss that too.
Teresa: Oh. Okay. Would you mind...and please stop me if this is too personal...would you describe yourself?
Theo: Sure. I'm 33. My father was Irish and my mother German, so I genetically love beer.
Teresa: Hahahaha...you're funny...how...how tall are you?
Theo: About 6 feet.
Teresa: And...how...long...is...
Theo: That...you'll have to wait and find out yourself.
Teresa: (impressed) So...how do we proceed?
Theo: I tell you my price. There is no negotiation. Since this is your first time...
Teresa: (interrupts him) It is.
Theo: Then I can give you a 20% discount. If you wish to schedule a weekly or monthly thing there are specials on those too.
Teresa: Oh...kay. When are you available?
Theo: My schedule is pretty busy this week. Let me check my calendar on my phone....hmm if this is a 'within-24-hours' emergency appointment...I can probably squeeze you in for an hour...maybe hour and a half...tomorrow at 3.45pm. Otherwise we will have to do next week.
Teresa: No! It has to be tomorrow. Uhm. Yeah. I can do 3.45pm.
Theo: Okay...it'll be $300 for the hour. If you want the extra half hour it's just another $100.
Teresa: I...sure.
Theo: Alright. Text me your address and I'll see you tomorrow at 3.45pm.
Teresa: I will...bye.
Theo: And hey...don't be nervous. It'll be much less awkward than you think. I'll rock your world.
Teresa: I...thanks. See you tomorrow!
Click. End Call.
The next day. At 3.50pm.
TERESA is sitting on her unnecessarily large couch in her proportionately large home. She calls it a home, passersby call it an estate. She's wearing a short, body-trapping orange dress with all the cleavage she could muster. If there is any piece of clothing underneath this dress, it must be very, very small and light. Her left leg is tapping uncontrollably. She has her phone clutched in her hand.
He's late. Why is he late? Maybe it's the traffic. Or maybe he's trying to build up the tension. Or...
Her doorbells rings. TERESA gets up quickly, like a knee-jerk reflex.
(loudly) SHIT! He's here!
She checks herself in the mirror.
(to herself) You've got this. You've still got it! Look at them. They don't look a day over 22. Which they should considering how much I paid for them....(pauses, contemplates, then snaps back) You're good. You're hot. You can do this.
She gives herself a nod. Another doorbell.
TERESA walks to the front door, which itself is bigger than most homes. With one deep breath, she opens it.
(Without looking) Hiiiiiii....(she stops and looks at the man in front of her) Hi?
The reason for her shock is this - the MAN is not what she expected. He's short-er (than her, and no taller than 5'7), he's got a beer belly (the wrong kind of six-pack), has a receding and grey hairline, and is dressed in jeans and a sweatshirt that says "College" like the one from the movie Animal House.
Hello!
Can...can I help you?
Yes, I'm looking for Teresa. Is she home?
I...and who are you?
I am...not at liberty to say...to the help. Could you tell her that her 3.45 appointment is here?
I...(pissed) am not the HELP.
Oh...are you her mo...(notices the furious expression on Teresa's face)...muh...sister?
I...I'm not telling you anything unless you tell me who you are and who sent you.
Are you Teresa?
Are you Theo?
Yes!
He takes out his hand from his sweatshirt pocket and lays it out to shake her hand. TERESA hesitates, but being polite by instinct, gives THEO about three fingers to shake. As soon as she does, he grabs her hand, leans forward and kisses her on the cheek.
It's very nice to meet you!
He barges into the house.
I...(still shocked)...what...
You have a lovely home...(points to the big fountain in her foyer) is..is that champagne? (takes out his hand to touch the liquid and tastes it) ugh nope, just a colored liquid. (walks further inside) WOW! You're loaded! Or your husband is at least...I'm assuming you have a husband? (motions to touch what looks like quite an expensive vase)
TERESA runs to him, which isn't easy in her heels, and yells -
DON'T TOUCH THAT! And yes...I...do...have a husband. And I'm sorry. But I'm confused...you're the Theo...we spoke on the phone last night?
Yes. Of course it is. (walks into the living room) So...
Wait. Hang on a second. You said...you were...tall...and...
I said I was about 6 feet. Yes.
Yeah...but...you're not.
Hey...5'8 is almost 6 feet.
You also said you were...I mean...I was expecting you to be...
Expecting me to be what?
Fit. Like, good looking. Isn't that a job requirement for you guys?
Wow. You're mean...(he begins to show signs of crying any second now..)
I...(confused, but also angry, but more confused) You're...just not what I was expecting. Maybe this was...
Hey! Apology accepted! So where's the bedroom? You're on the clock so we should get to business asap...upstairs? (he starts walking upstairs) And I don't mean to sound like I'm cheap...but this house should be in a movie or something! I know you see it everyday but...wow! These paintings! They look expensive. I can't tell what's happening in them or what the whole point is...I mean this one just looks like someone painted a circle over and over again and then forgot he was drawing circles so he made a square in the middle...
TERESA runs upstairs after him...but she can't beat him to the bedroom due to her painful heels. She finds him in the bedroom, without his sweatshirt on.
The contents behind the curtain of the sweatshirt are worse than she expected.
You...shouldn't...
So what's your style? I should tell you I have some rules. You need to look me in the eyes the whole time...keep your blinking down to once every 30 seconds...no kinky stuff...like I'm not going to call you by any other name nor should you scream at me...screaming is not good for my blood pressure...also absolutely no S&M...I bruise quite easily and I can't do dirty talk...also my safe word is "SQUIRREL"...besides that...get ready because I'm about to rock...
TERESA was uncomfortable - because the entire time he said that, he was rolling around TERESA's 1000-thread-count linens in his dirty clothes and shoes, trying to take them off and eventually succeeding. By the time he said "rock" he had succeeded in taking off all his clothes...yes...everything...and was about to put his hands around TERESA's waist...who was cleaning her bed this whole time...when...
OH MY GOD! STOP!
What's wrong, baby?
TERESA removes THEO's hands off her.
Theo...this...
Hey! Call me Teddy...only my mom calls me 'Theo'...
I...okay...Teddy...
Yes?
TERESA can't concentrate since he still isn't wearing any clothes.
Could you please cover...your...
Ahhhh! I see...you like some mystery! Alright how about I (he attempts to sexy-ily crawl towards to the top of the bed and gets under the covers) How's this?
That's...much better.
Good! Now it's already 4.08pm, and I know I was 5 minutes late but you can't blame me for that longggggg and confusing road and driveway. That was a long walk. And then it took me like two minutes just to find your doorbell...so counting from the original 3.45 you have another...oh wait...it's 4.09...so you have...another...65 minutes and some change. And I took my pill outside before I rang the bell...(looks under the covers) hmm I might need your help in getting this started...I knew I shouldn't have trusted a generic brand but hey! In any business you have to squeeze the penny!
TERESA is still in shock, and pacing around her room. She realizes how the heels aren't helping, and takes them off.
That's the spirit! Yeah maybe a little stripping might help my...friend down here...(looks at it) or not.
(wasn't listening until he said "stripping") What? Are you crazy? There will be no stripping.
Alright...I was just trying to make it easier for you...you're the one paying...
I...(angry! and still confused, but more angry) am so not paying for this!
She gestures to THEO and the bed. It's not a nice gesture-tone.
I...(looks under the covers again) your words aren't helping, baby! I told you I don't do dirty talk.
This isn't dirty talk...you...buffoon!
I...I don't understand...I told you the rules...why are you being so difficult?
This was a mistake. You're...(looks at him) sooo not what I expected.
Is this how you talk to your husband? No wonder he's away a lot.
YOU! Don't you dare talk about my husband...Jim...Jim's a saint. And I love him. This was a stupid idea. I can't believe I was gonna do this...I...
Hey! No harm, no foul! You love your husband...all my clients love their husbands...but hey...I already took my pill...sooooo....(he tries to take her arm)
NOPE! (she stops his advance by throwing his sweatshirt on his face)
OW! SQUIRREL! SQUIRREL! I'm not enjoying this.
WHAT? This isn't about your enjoyment! This is about my...this is about what I want! And this (she points at him) is not what I want.
Wow. You really should have mentioned that you have unattainable standards. We don't want clients like that. You people...you're never impressed. Never happy.
I...what the hell made you think you could be a...
Prostitute?
I...yes...that.
Could you pass me my pants?
THEO starts to get dressed. TERESA looks away.
You should be careful, Lady. The world doesn't work the way you fantasize about it. In the real world, people have feelings. And words hurt. (starts crying)
I...I can't believe I was about to do this...
THEO is dressed, and gets off the bed.
It's funny. You people buy new and expensive things everyday, and if you don't like it you return them or throw them away. To you they are just disposable products. But the 'this' (gestures to himself) that you're referring to...this is my product. This is what I sell. Have you ever put yourself out there like we do everyday? It takes guts. People like you probably don't understand what rejection feels like...but this...this is my livelihood.
(apologetically) I...I didn't mean to...
(continues) So the least you could do is give me a good review! Refer us to your friends! Just don't tell them to google us, because we don't have a website or anything. you know what I'll leave some business cards with our hotline number...
YOU! Just get out. OUT! I...I should have never replied to your email...how did you even get my email address?
Don't blame our newsletter! I work very hard on those. And our guerilla e-marketing campaign is quite successful.
Forget it...just leave.
They walk downstairs. TERESA opens the front door. THEO steps out, then turns around.
Alright, time to pay up.
TERESA, who is already exhausted, is now back to being angry.
WHAT?! I'm not paying you anything.
Uhm, yes you are. We have a strict no-returns, no-refunds policy. Not good for business.
You...(back to being exhausted) FINE. Let me get my purse. You wait here. Don't even think of stepping back inside this house.
TERESA goes inside and returns in a few moments.
Alright, so $400 (counting the cash) with the 20% discount...that's $320...here.
She takes out the cash and waits for THEO to take it. He doesn't. He just keeps smiling.
WHAT?
You took the last-minute within-24-hours package. The 20% first-timer discount doesn't apply to that.
Ugh. Fine. Here. 400 dollars. Happy?
Well...travel expenses are extra...I had to take three buses to get here...and then I had to walk from the bus station...anyway so that's another $8...no wait..with the return...16 dollars.
Just...here...take a 50...get a cab. Get out.
THEO accepts the money.
Well, Mrs. Gardner, this was a pleasure. If you're interested in making this a weekly thing I can do 10% off on weekdays...
TERESA slams the door on his face.
THEO exits the house. He takes out his phone, and dials a number.
(on the phone) Hello? Yes. It's Theo. It's done. (listening) Oh you're here? Alright, I'll meet you outside the front gate in two minutes.
A few moments later, THEO reaches the front gate of the Gardner estate. A chauffeur-driven Mercedes S-class pulls up and stops right at THEO's feet. THEO gets in the back seat. His client is waiting.
How did it go?
Exactly as promised, sir. We have a 100% success rate.
Good. You guys are doing a great thing for people like me. I'm going to recommend you to my pals at the country club. They will love you.
I appreciate that. In our business we do good when the client doesn't come back, so referrals is our only mode of acquiring new clients. And just because they're your friends I'll bump them up on the waiting list.
THE CLIENT takes out a check book.
$5,000, right? So do I make this out to you...or?
Just make it out to "Men, Incorporated."...LLC.
THE CLIENT signs the check and hands it to him.
(takes out the cash TERESA gave him) Here's the money she gave me. 450 dollars.
I...you can keep that.
No, sir. We don't do gratuity. Our packages are all-inclusive.
That's...great. And you're sure, that she'll never do anything like this ever again?
Mr. Gardner, your wife will never think of cheating on you, ever again. We've been in this business for 3 years and have yet to have a complaint from a client. I've done this for hundreds of guys just like you, trust me.
THEO steps out the car. JIM GARDNER opens the window.
Theo, email me your business plan. I want to see some projections.
THEO smiles.
Mr. Gardner, thanks to wives like yours all over this great city of Los Angeles, business is-a booming-a. (he takes out his sunglasses from his pocket puts them on) I'll send you our proposal. We're hoping to go international by the end of the year.
I look forward to it. Thanks, Theo.
Another car pulls up next to THEO. Also, chauffeur driven, but a BMW 7-series. The driver steps out, and opens the rear door for THEO.
Ready to go, sir?
Yes. What's our next appointment?
You have a 4.45pm just three blocks from here.
THEO looks around at the expensive mansions surrounding him in Bel-Air. He smiles.
I love this town.
He gets in the car and leaves.
JIM walks into the house. What he sees in front of him is a happy wife. And a horny wife. And a loyal-till-the-end-of-time wife.
Jim! Honey! You're home! What a surprise! How was your trip? Did you like the company you were looking into?
JIM hugs his wife.
Hi, honey. Yup. It looks like a good business. (smiles) I might put some money into it.
I'm so glad you're back. I missed you. Come, let's go upstairs.
She kisses him.
JIM's final thought before he accompanies his beautiful wife to the bedroom ---
I need to invest in Men, Incorporated.
Adisha MishraA hindi adaptation of Ernest Hemingway's "Hills Like White Elephants" (1927)
74I’m back to writing… with a twist. Presenting an old story in a new way, 5 years in the making.
174The text exchange between a bride and the groom on the day of their wedding.
28107268 Launches
Part of the Humor collection
Published on January 30, 2015
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