The first thing i do in the morning,
is not get out of bed.
it never has been,
see, i stare at my ceiling.
its a weird little habit
that i do every day
see theres this crack in my ceiling
that just wont go away.
i never turn my lights off.
my dad would say i was wasting power,
but to be honest, im just too tired.
from just staring, hour after hour
when i finally do work up the courage to roll myself out of bed,
i walk down stairs and grab breakfast.
the worst time of day.
in the best of times, eating is not really my favorite thing.
i dont hate it, but ive always been one to space it off.
but breakfast means pills.
one, for mood regulation.
two, for depression
four for insomnia,
one, for vitamin D deficiency.
and depending on the day, 11-13 for stress management
to be honest, i dont even really think they work.
im just scared not to take them
the threat of a spiral
but there are days when i dont.
theres the ache in my jaw,
throat raw,
the days i feel i cant breathe.
those are the three am nights.
those, stupid and petty fights.
when im not worried about whats right.
and i think, maybe they work.
and i dont worry if they are eventually lethal.
and i say
“can i have a refill?”
i hold my hands out to the pharmacy gods
because i have never liked these odds
but they make it easier to sleep at night.
and because i have never been as brave as you,
and i probably never will be.
but you dont see the demons i see.
because you are normal, and that was never me