I can still remember those times you cried because he left you. Not because he didn’t love you, he never did. Not because he was tired of you and definitely not because he wants to move on. He left you because he can’t settle for temporary. He was scared of commitments. And he sees you as an adhesive. Once he got fond of you, there’s no way he can detached. Not that easy.
I remember those times you drink yourself to sleep. You don’t like crying because you are strong. And I admire you for that. So much admiration that I see you as an inspiration. Not in a way that I will follow your footsteps because my Dad would always tell me that you aren’t a model for moral character. I always control myself not to give a fit even my heart says yes and my body yearns for it. I just can’t. It doesn’t matter what he thinks of you, what matters is that I see you in a way other people don’t. For them, you are nothing but a second option, the back up plan, the rebound, his physician when he feels sick, his downtown when he likes to drink and feel appreciated, his mistress. Yes. You’ve breached the 7th commandment of God. You are a sinner. A family wrecker.
But I never saw you the same way other people did. I saw the parts where you shone the most. The parts where you became my favorite superhero. Always to the rescue. The parts where you give everything you have until there’s nothing left for you. The parts where we are in need but you still manage to give to other people because they need it more than we do. The parts where you became my best friend. You didn’t have to but you told me you wanted to. You opened yourself to me and I didn’t asked why. Because I know I’m the only person you have. You were like my second mother maybe even more than my biological one. They never saw the parts of you were you selflessly help other people even though you know they wouldn’t do the same for you. You were tricky. Sweet in a minute, spicy in the next. And I love to see you in both.
They just seen the part where you became so crazy for love that you did everything just to have it. Even if it’s wrong you still did. Because you told me you just needed someone to lay next to every night. And I know I can’t give you that. I know that I can’t sleep with you every night. They never saw you as the girl who would do everything for her family. The girl who would give everything. The girl who would do everything. I can still remember those times where we fight. Those times I wanna strangle you for being so stupid. He was cheating on you hand in hand and you never cared. You told me it never mattered anyway. Those times you helplessly give everything he needs. Spoon-feeding him with desires and stupid wants. He doesn’t need it and I know you also know it but you were too blinded by lust and infatuation. I wanna save you but you don’t wanna be saved. You are longing for pain. Even he left you with no marks you still look for him. Your body searches for trouble because being with him is a trouble. A dangerous venture you are always up to. And God knows you loved hazardous ventures. It excites you and makes you as a person. After countless of advices to leave him because you don’t deserve a brat, you deserve someone who would love you with all his heart, someone who would never fail you, someone who would do the same for you, taking risks no matter how dangerous and hard they are just for you he’ll be willing to. Someone who’s not afraid of settling. Someone who would help you and stay with you during your worsts. And I guess you always loved the opposites because that’s what makes you grow. You will never learn. Despite of the chances to break off, you still look for one chance to stay. Because you understand. You always do even if you are afflicted with so much pain you will still do. Because that’s what true love is, you wouldn’t care anymore about everything as long as you make your love one happy it fills up all the pain, hatred and frailty. It feeds you acceptance and happiness.
I remember those times that I see you shed a tear for him. I would get mad at you and tell you not to. Because he doesn’t deserve it. He’s not the type of guy that’s worthy to cry for. Those times you wish to die. And I would tell you all the beautiful reasons to live. I would lull you with the wonderful things to await for, the things that makes us live, the things why we breathe. And after I finally send you to sleep, I would cry silently because I hate to see you hurting because it hurts me. And I couldn’t do anything to stop the pain. No one wants to see their mother crying. And you were my second mother. I will always be lucky to have two nurturers. I wouldn’t trade you for the world because you are a universe.
And in this world, there’s no one like you because you are my one and only favorite girl.