Ever since we are born, we are made to learn, how to chase. Chase after happiness, or sometimes peace, thats the end for us. But I was standing at that point in an old cave that there was nothing but black and that was my end. I never knew what death was like, but if I could ever picture death that was it. It was so dark, that even a thousand lightbulbs could not illuminate my surroundings. Somewhere near, the lake was freezing, it was cold. VERY COLD. Nobody was crying, yet it felt like someone was. The carved out stones mummified every bit of pain left in us. That was all I could think of ever since that incident.
Meghna was not doing well. Even when she acted to hold on, strong and resolute I knew she was equally broke, like me. We didn’t talk, for days, weeks , months , I don’t even remember for how long. Its such a difficult job to keep a track of time, when it feels like eternity. Two hearts kept beating, but with different rhythms. Like we had already reached the end. So the question was WHATS NEXT?
One year had passed since then. It was the occasion of Arvi’s 7th birthday. I bought her a pink bicycle which she always wanted but never broke it to us. She was so happy that she hugged me. That moment , a part of me missed our never born daughter. Yes it was a girl, but by the time I knew it was too late.I went upto our bedroom to see what Meghna was doing, and what I saw next took my breath away. She was nursing the doll, THE ONE EYED DOLL. In that cradle which we bought for our own baby. I couldn’t take it any longer, I freaked out.
“Meghna, what are you doing?”
She kept the doll on the cradle, and went a few steps back. Like a prey moving away from the predator.
“Are you insane.”
“I was just……..”
Lost, that was what she was, in the colors of dark grey and black that fill the world. No other feeling could have been possibly worse than this. Our home, that was supposed to be filled with laughter and cheer, was now an abode of loneliness, emptiness and despair. Memories of her, our unborn child , still creeped around the corners of our mind. Endless haunting images that wont decline. But seeing her in this condition only made mine worse. I knew what I had been through since the last year, an overwhelming of emotions that my body contained, filled my soul with unbearable grief. I wished I could hold our child just once, but as reality sinked in, I knew that will never be, for that’s the story written for us by the unthinking , cruel , destiny. I couldn’t tell anyone, not even her, how badly my heart ached. If only I could get back , and change every thing that had happened.
I held her in my arms, even though I myself needed someone to cry on. I knew I had to be strong, only for her.