It’s been a long time since we caught up and I don’t know quite where to start things from. Since the time I entered this city I had been spiraling inside my head that things will probably fall back to place and interpersonal relationships are, after all, not that difficult to handle. It’s not true though, interpersonal relationship are actually quite difficult to deal with especially when they happen in a place which you are struggling to call ‘home’. Somedays, I am laughing my ass off, telling myself that this is what life is, but most days I am just pissed. I am angry. I am pissed at everyone around me and deep inside I know there’s nothing I can do about either my emotions and the people around me. I came here with quite a number of friends and I haven’t made any close friend in Chennai, not someone I could fall back to or even chill but it’s fine. It’s not a demand anymore and I am not going to push my anxious self to push boundaries that had been compromised before.
Sometimes, there are so many things going on inside my head. My head spirals from the issues happening at my home, to my future to things happening at my flat to the sexual experiences I had, to Nikhil to whatnot. It feels like I am tossing from one thought to another and sometimes it happens so quickly I lose track. I try to be kind to everyone around me but sometimes I feel like I should rather have a fuck-less attitude and get on with it. I can’t choose. I am perpetually in a state of dilemma and I have been zoning out more than often. I am extremely scared about my future, to say the least but I somehow also believe in myself here. I will figure a way out.
Sometimes, though, I think about the moments I had spent with the guys back in Delhi before coming to Chennai. I think about all the guys who had ever entered my life. I think about how each one of them touched different parts of me, literally and metaphorically. I think about how I had always craved for a meaningful touch but somehow always ended up with a meaningless one. I think about all those times when I’d come home to my room and lock myself in and cry because I never really got that meaningful touch I wanted. I think about those nights when I was stuck at one place trying to figure out what went wrong where. And then, I come out of my bedroom and see everyone else in the world and everybody is moving so fucking fast. Everybody is just moving, thoughtlessly. The world hadn’t stopped for anybody yet. Then I think about the guys who were with me, the world hadn’t stopped for them either. And I am moving with them, I am moving at just the same pace and nothing’s helping.
This evening I got back home after having listened to “Dil akhir tu kyu rota hai” by Farhan Akhtar and it touched wrong parts of me that I wasn’t ready to confront. I wanted to smoke so bad so I got a cigarette somehow and went into my balcony to smoke and listen to songs that could calm me down. I wanted to pause that moment for a bit not because I was enjoying it too much but because all these thoughts were getting too much for me. I often find myself in situations where I am thinking a lot of things at once and it gets strenuous for me, to be honest. I don’t know which thought to hold on to and I try to think through every thought but there is no end. Sometimes I feel like I should get a closure from Tanmay because I can’t carry on with my life thinking that somebody hates me so much despite the fact that I loved that person.
I have been having these weird visuals since years and I don’t know what that mean. I am hanging through my balcony. I am trying to hold on to the edge of my balcony, trying to save myself from falling and there are alternative scenarios where I either have a rope that could pull me up or I am just falling. Sometimes, I am just falling. But, to be honest, most times I am just holding on to the edge of that balcony so tight. It’s not even fear, I don’t know what it is. But I know for sure it makes some sense. I could sense myself trying hard to hold onto it. But sometimes I force myself to imagine that I am falling and everything goes blank. But it’s not scary at all, it’s almost as if I am embracing that fall. Maybe I am embracing that fall. But what’s weird is that there is nobody standing on the balcony to save me. Not a single person. Either I am alone at this home where the balcony is or there actually is no one who knows that I am about to fall. Maybe I will find these answers soon. Someday.
Today, I wanted to talk so bad to someone, someone who could just listen. I wanted it to be a stranger who could just listen. Sometimes, I feel so helpless and powerless in situations that require my help. I couldn’t help Sristi through her trauma or my dad through his depression and that makes me sad. I feel like I am doing nobody any good and that eats me up. I don’t know what mental health professional would I become if I can’t even heed to my own family. It’s as tragic as it gets:).