I know you have people to fall back to and people who are going to be 'there' no matter what. People who will bring you out of your misery or people who will listen to you when you are desperate. But, lately, i have come to believe that you cannot count on them. There have been a million times when i have wanted a shoulder but for legitimate reasons, haven't found any. There have been times when I have reached out but haven't been responded to, positively. On those nights, i have cried almost all night long and slept on my tears. Few tears you have to shed alone, I guess?
I keep thinking that the 3-4 people I have in my closest circle are my permanent pillars of strength but some days, those pillars are not there. I mean, they will always call you back the next day when they can but right in that moment, you are all you have, right? I have reached out in so many ways: asked my friend to watch a movie with me or maybe asked another friend to get on a video call. While I understand their reasons for rejecting my advances, I can't help but wonder that at the end of day, alone is what you have. Like Sherlock says "Alone is what protects me." Some days I do dread the alone that I have but too bad, I have got to live with it. There is no running away from it. My alone cannot exist without me neither can I exist without it. I have been disappointed multiple times for not having someone close around me when I am falling apart but here's the thing: I can't blame them, can I? I cannot assure my presence in their lives but I almost always try my best and I go an extra mile to ensure that they are alright even if it has costs involved at my end. I have done it so many times I have lost count.
I do take pride in calling myself a loner but sometimes, I just cannot seem to take it anymore. I need someone, i don't need anyone to hear me out. I just need someone to distract me for a while so that I can simply be happy. Let them talk about their happy memories or their problems even, so that I am distracted from mine. It is selfish but as long as it floats my boat, it's okay right?
I know I also thrive on social support but I must know that it won't be always there when I would want it. And this fact doesn't make me angry anymore, it only makes me sad. That sometimes you have those avenues of outlet yet there is no outlet.
I am slowly trying to resolve this. I am slowly trying to understand that I am my own pillar. I am slowly trying to tell myself that while it's okay to always seek help, help will not always be available. You have gotta live with that, right?