Every day, my hands itch to write something. I want to throw all these thoughts from my head to a paper and forget everything that happened. It wasn't painful. Just regrettable.
This time, I am not writing because I am hurt. But rather because I know I caused pain to someone who treasures me. My heart is sorry for him. But I can't do anything anymore. I am unbothered and do not care at all. I guess this is my true self. The apologetic yet cold.
Dear someone,
I hope you stopped thinking about me and the memories we had. I had forgotten it all and never it did wander my mind. I hope you don't feel sad and wet your pillows to sleep at night. I do not deserve any second of your time. I want you to know that I sleep peacefully with a smile on my face. Because someone just made me happy. And my admiration for that someone is complete and at peak. And that someone is not you.
I don't know if I'm writing this to console you or break your heart even more. I don't have a plan of sending this to you anyway.
We had happy moments, I admit. But I feel uncomfortable and awkward when those moments slip my mind. I don't want to remember anything. I regret it all.
My emotions overwhelmed me during those days. I call that weakness. I hate the thought of me being weak. I disgust myself. It wasn't the real me.
I hope you don't plant hatred in your heart though. It won't do you any good. I hope your drinking habit won't go worse.
Dear someone, cruel of me to say this, you may think it's cruel, but actually not. I'm just being me-- frank and honest. I hope you stop thinking of me or us--- because you and "us" never crossed my mind at all.
There was never an "us" anyway. So moving on shouldn't be difficult for you.
Fact, I neither dislike nor hate you. I just feel empty. Unbothered.
So stop. I am not worth your time.
Realization, most of us wish to find someone who will look at us with love, someone who will never get tired of us, and someone who will exert efforts and take care of us patiently. We wish to have someone like that and then what? It's not like feelings can be reciprocated easily. I found someone but pushed him away. Because it's not him that I wanted to do such things.
Now, I just lost a right. I do not have the power to wish for someone like that. All I can do is wait for someone that I like to like me back. Because in that way, only me will be hurt. Not anyone. Just me.