The breeze of the beginning of winters brushed through hair, wove into it its chill and gave them life. The scent of roses planted nearby came and went, like waves. The night sky was dark, and moon wasn't invited. I was looking at the horizon and wondering there would be morning at the other side of earth.
"It hates me to look at you like this, Shimmer", Yana said. She had visited all the way from Delhi to meet me. She had questions I didn't want to answer, after all my interest in thinking about things had vanished.
"What do you intend to do now? Its been three months since that disaster. It pains me to see you in such grief, you don't deserve this, bae,"she said after getting no reply from me.
"Yana, you know, I'm happy. I'm content. I don't really wish for anything now. Maybe this wasn't made for me. Maybe love was never there on the cards for me. This is just another God's way to punish me. All this time, it was I who broke hearts of those who loved me. It was I who backed off all the time and left people helpless and in want of me. And see now, the man whom I marry, the man with whom I visualized my future, the future of getting old and sitting at a bench side watching your grandchildren play. The dreams of holding hands forever and being with each other no matter what situation be, maybe it was a mirage. I only saw it from a distance and thought of it as picture-perfect. But when you approach closer and face the reality, its just not what you saw earlier. Maybe this is what has happened with me.
'Now when I have seen it, and I wish I hadn't at the first place, there seems to be no backing off now. This is the truth, Yana. My husband is happy with another woman and I'm not complaining. If he finds happiness in someone else, why should I be an obstruction? Who am I to be a barrier between them? The fact is,they love each other, that's it. I'm nowhere in this equation and I have come to terms with this. I cannot be his love again, can't you see? And seriously speaking, I really don't want him back. Why would I want the love and care of a man who doesn't love me at the first place? I don't want to fight. I don't want explanations, I know what love is, and if it doesn't exist in between us, I can't create or develop it as if it were some physical thing. You need to understand this Yana. I give up. I'm out of this battle. I wish them happiness. I want him to stay happy, even if it is without me."
Yana looked at me tear-eyed. "You cannot go on like this forever, can you? Are you really saying that you wish you stomp on your life altogether, live a life like of a nun and carry this burden with a pretentious happiness? I cannot let you live like this, Shimmer, I won't.
I looked at the care and affection she had for me. It hurts to see someone whom you adore in pain. Yana had been with me to listen to all my rants in school. And now she was, giving me options I can take. She was right somewhere, I could not go on with this life forever. Some day or the other, people will ask, people will figure out and everything will be open one day. I could not wait for it, I could not carry my life like a corpse.
It was all a test, a life test, and I was determined to crossover.