"Sometimes you don't realize your drowning when your trying to be everyone else's anchor" I live that every day. Welcome to my life. I won't tell you everything, or go into massive detail of what You soon will know. You'd be spending your entire day listing to a story full of misery and disappointment. But you will soon see, why I speak, act, and handle situations the way I do. Take a seat, and grab some tissues if you are heavy hearted. This is gonna be a while.
A Horrible Mistake
Rape, and abortion are two things many people do not think passionately about. My mother was raped at 19 and attempted an abortion that had failed. That's how I was born. I asked, and I was told that he left my mother shortly after my birth. When really it was her angered, stuck up, rude and manipulative boyfriend. I see myself as the same way.
I know only knew that his name Caesar, was Latino, a good singer, a criminal wanted for many things, had deep brown eyes and that we look alike. He was deported to Mexico. I have never talked to, met, or even seen a photograph of him. I wish to come in contact one day and hopefully find a mire resemblance.
3 New Lives
I've had a numerous line of step fathers. After her rape, my mother met a blond haired man with blue eyes and then maybe a year or so later, I say hello to my new younger brother on December 30th 2003. At the hospital, I was the first to hold him even though I was only two. Moments later, I dropped him and he was close to death.
My brother stopped breathing and was rushed to the doctors who almost had to preform surgery. But a miracle happened and he managed to survive without harm.
He could have died. And it would have been all my fault. 11 months later another child is born of the same man. Because my sister was premature, for some reason, her lungs had collapsed and doctors were rushing to save her. With success, she lives.
Almost Like a Hangover
My mom moved in with almost all her boyfriends and brought me along with her. And for some reason here and there we just got up and had to leave. That was the way it kinda always was. After a lot of moving, we settle down with my current step father Scott, and next thing you know I'm in a new environment, new house, new school, new lifestyle.
4 Years of Madness
Scott changed the behavior i was accustom to. At first i was smart sweet, had pride in my appearance, social, and just nice to everyone. I was happy. And in my mothers eyes, perfect. But that slowly changed.
When i started second grade, I started being bullied. At first i thought it was nothing. "There just staring because there jealous" i thought. No.
Messy hair, glasses, crooked smile, baggy shirts, white tennis shoes. I was unappealing and what you could call a nerd. The staring, name calling, embarrassing outbursts from other kids, and pushing, I didn't think much of it.
But school wasn't what bothered me. What i was so afraid of was going home everyday. Feeling unwanted and invisible due to alcoholism, and drug or substance abuse from my patents. And when they did notice me, i just simply disappointed them and was lectured and screamed at.
Sometimes it got so bad that I'd end up crying. And with no friends or parents who didn't even seem like parents at all, i had to bottle everything up. For four years things were like this. Disgrace, useless, idiot, ugly, unimportant, freak, fake. I've been called everything from a-z. It was part of the reason why my parents would fight.
And then, I moved to Ohio in the 4th grade after my Mothers dangerously psychical break up with Scott. And took everything we had with us to her new boyfriends house, Jodie. Who stole all our money, clothes, belongings, and even pets once a visitation system was set in place between my mom and Scott.
Because of this, we had to move back. Scott and her made up and A year later Jodie is sent to jail. And out of our lives.
Now i go to the first day of sixth grade here, at Hibberd. When I left almost all the people and problems at my old school behind, I felt like I could start over again. After some work, I had friends, a social life and I was liked. I felt happy. My friends were my escape. I felt alive with them. And I sometimes still do.
A New Beginning For the Worse
Downhill from here. Because of my dramatic change, my grades dropped. I had a bad attitude, smart mouth, and I simply didn't care. My home life got worse than what it was. I've had my mom try and stab my hand with a knife, belt beatings, hits to the face, and threats. And what did my step father do? He just watched and let it all happen.
Summer of seventh grade was one of the worst times of my life. I'm not going to recall exactly what happened because it was something no child should experience. If you don't already know what I am talking about, ask me and I will tell you.
However, because of what happened, my home life when from what it was, to ten times worse than an exact living hell.
For about a month straight, I felt numb due what would be a great example of child abuse.
I was punished heavily. My head was slammed into walls pinned to the ground, punched. I was called a whore in every other sentence that my parents spoke. You name it. And because it was constant, my mindset went from manageable to brain dead. I went from a lie of "I'm fine, just tired" to a complete truth of "I just want to die"
July 12th I attempted suicide by overdose. And I only told two people I trusted dearly and to not be surprised if I didn't come back to school the following year. But as you can tell, it didn't work. I didn't even feel sick. All that happened was I became numb to my senses, hallucinated, paced back and fourth, and didn't talk what so ever.
Although it wasn't gruesome, it would have been frightening to witness. You could have called me mentally insane.
But I am past that now, and I ask of you not to judge me because of it. If you do, that's okay. It's the past. But that doesn't mean I'm suddenly happy. Pain doesn't go away. If only eases.
Now 8th grade, so far things have been okay. I've said and done things that bring me guilt, shame, and have hurt some of you. And I'm sorry. And I truly mean that.
My Truth
Cheers to all of you. You all are the most important people in my life. But sometimes, I feel in certain situations, You forget that.
Throughout the two going on three years I've been here I've never felt so bipolar and confused. To me it's almost as if I say one thing that offends someone in the slightest way, that when I go to class the next day, half of you would hate me.
I've had the people I thought were the closest to me, talk behind my back, betray me, and lie straight to my face. And Ive done the same thing too. And I sometimes still do. We all still do. Everyone has and will continue to. But just won't admit it. You don't have to.
People can turn on you or drop you just like that. And to be honest, it makes you feel like everything bad that happened was your fault. That's how it is for me. And it sucks. Especially when you guys feel like more of a family than my siblings themselves. And the pain combines with the guilt and turns into an ugly mess.
All I have done do, and try to do is keep everyone happy, smiling, proud, and laughing to where their stomach hurts. And when I fail to do that, i feel as if I am disappointing everyone around me. Because I love you all to where it can hurt. I can't say that about many people.
Kind Words
All of sixth grade, I had one friend I could relate everything too. He went to Dennis. Everything that has ever happened to me up to this point, he's suffered with only ten times worse. And I'm not exaggerating. I could tell him anything and everything and he would understand exactly. And he was there when my parents, or even friends weren't at all. He judged me for some things at first but then came to accept it. We have fought and disagreed a lot but we still cared about each other. I remember when I lost control of my emotions and wanted to give up my life and the second he noticed, he freaked out, was scared for me and gave me words of wisdom and hope. After he moved, we drifted away. We still talk sometimes. And when we do, it brings back memories.
I tell myself, "You the savior of the broken, and abused. You take away their pain and give everything, to keep them happy. You show them that their life is worth living for. And that saves them. And you know that you'd even give up everything you'd have, your dignity, pride, and happiness, maybe even your own life, just to see them smile. And maybe, that's what your meant to do. " And my friend is the same way.
With the problems with my home life, stress from my studies, the pressure and maintenance of my friends, mentally, emotionally, and in some cases physically, I'm weak.
Then came sudden and constant bullying that got to me and I'd go home and just loose it all. I felt alone, unwanted, and unimportant. Just as the way I do in my own home. I was so use to the pain that it's all I thought I could feel and I guess I liked it that way. On the floor, crying, barley breathing, with bloodshot eyes, tearing my hair out, and wanting to scream but make no sound.
And honestly, it's not that pretty. But no one knew. You would have never suspected.
Secrets
I am about to tell you all something that only a few of you or maybe all of you already know. Yes, I have self harmed before. It didn't do it for attention and I stopped. I get upset when people make fun of it, call others out, or taunt people because of it. And I try and help those who have or still do. It's not something to joke about.
Because for people that struggle with it, is an addiction just as if it were a drug.
At the time when I did, I had a lot of bad things going on. Drama, home, friends, relationships, school. Got to me and I thought I had no other way to ease the pain.
But know this, we can't solve all our problems and issues because we are only human. We hold grudges, have an opinion, trust issues, we lie, manipulate, screw up and always have something to say about someone or something.
You can't tell people to stop being human. But that doesn't give us the right to do all the horrible things what we have, do, and yet to have done. And it will never end. I know this now.
In the End
My life, has been fifty shades of screwed up, and that about sums me up. Music gives me a voice. When people say my the things I listen to are horrible and are demonic, it hurts a little because that's what I fell I can relate to. In my mind, I'm screaming my head off and there's so much confusion and anger, that the music I listen to ease me.
I never really got attention as a kid at school or at home for most of my life and is why I act out and do or say bad things to people. When I do, at the time I don't even know that it isn't right. I'm not proud of it.
I try my hardest to keep everyone around me happy but ultimately, I just can't please everyone. I forgive easily, over thing everything , and my weakness? Caring too much. And because of it, I, or someone else, maybe even a lot, or everyone always ends up getting hurt.
"I go to sleep, hating today, forgetting yesterday, and regretting tomorrow."
Signed, Me.
I'm not proud to admit it, but it time to be honest. I am a fake. I've tried to change but I can't. I am my last resort. People can see it, and they try to help but they chant change my past, and who I've become. It's just what I am now. It's pain you feel when happiness isn't there. You fall down you get back up they say. I'm stuck an eternal darkness with no seeming light.
I may be the voiceless when it comes to a story like mine but I just broke the surface. And now you know who I really am. I ask you not to judge me. If you do, I'm okay with that because at lease now you understand. Now, its your turn.