An open letter to the ones that got hurt
We started off as friends --- I tell you everything and you do the same thing to me. We never always talk due to our busy schedules but still, our friendship never faded. I still remember how I tell you how my day went and all of my ''kilig'', bad and happy moments. You --- you were my closest friend who told me that you'll never leave me the night she left me. You told me that you'll stay by my side no matter what happens. You told me you will never do what she did to me. You --- you were my closest friend who happens to be there when I needed someone to talk to or share my problems with. You were my closest friend. You were always there.
Then it happened. Those jokes turned into banters then those banters turned into pick-up lines then, I didn't know what happened next. All I know is that I enjoyed talking to you and didn't mind the time until the clock strikes at 3 am --- that's when we realized we have to sleep. It became our daily routine --- you became a part of my daily routine. Chat, texts, voice messages, calls. Name it, we're always talking. I got used on how your name was the first one to appear in my phone and the last one before I go to sleep. I got used on talking to you every day and night that even our friends noticed that. I know, I'm not over with my recent heartbreak yet I can't help but to think, am I starting to like you? You, my closest friend, who makes me smile, who calms my soul with your oh-so lovely and soft voice, who makes me laugh and you who makes me forget all my problems in life for just a while. I'm not that dumb to not realize what we were doing is not a natural thing for people who call themselves as "friends". Then one night, it just happened. Unexpectedly. I admitted that I like you. You didn't say it back yet I'm okay with that. I just want you to know that I already like you. It's like all of my heartbreaks were gone whenever we're talking. I know, I know from that night on, I know that I like you and I'm happy with you and wherever 'this' will take us.
Days goes by and talks got deeper and I think, my feelings too. But you can't just forget the past that easy, right? I know that there's a tiny part in me that is still stuck with the past and can't seem to move on. You even asked me once, what will I do once she gets back? I joked for a while, not because I want to avoid the question but because I know the answer, and I'm afraid of telling it. So I lied. I told you that I will choose the present because I'm already satisfied and happy here. I told you that because I thought it will sound believable once I said it but no, it didn't. I feel so horrible after saying it so. I realized that like is different from love. I like you but I am still in love with her. I am happy with you but I'm still hoping she gets back to me and that thought alone makes me happy. I enjoyed your company but I can't help but to think and wish that it was her, that it was her making me smile and happy. I know, I am such a jerk for comparing my past to you because I know you two were different. And I know, I should give you a chance. But how can I if I know in myself that what I wanted is to be with her again? I already know what the consequences might be once it all happened. I know I have to choose, and I know it won't be you. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry for that.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for putting you through all of these. I'm sorry for entering your life and made it so complicated. I'm sorry if I lied, but trust me when I said I liked you. I really do. I enjoyed talking to you, I had a genuine laugh whenever I hear your voice, I liked you. It's just that, I still love her. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for destroying what we once called "friendship". I'm sorry if I failed your expectations in me. I'm sorry for putting you in so much pain right now. I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I am the reason why you were now walking away, but I do understand why, I know how am I making it hard for you seeing my name everyday popping up your screen, talking to other people and see me online but not talking to you. I understand. I'm sorry because I was a jerk, a liar, a coward. There are so many things that I need to be sorry for and I know you hate it when I say I'm sorry. But still, I'm sorry. I didn't mean all of these to happen. I'm sorry for everything that I have done and we are now facing the consequences --- me with this guilt eating up inside me and you breaking what you told me before --- to not ever leave by my side.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for breaking your soul and not be able to fix it. I'm sorry. I'm not asking you for forgiveness nor want you to pity me. I just want to say sorry for everything. For my selfishness. Everything.
You told me that not all of the unexpected things are beautiful and happy. But you came to my life unexpectedly, you are beautiful, and I'm happy I have met someone like you.
I'm sorry.