Here is what becomes of words floating around in my head on days when the fog clears out and no haze remains. I manage to catch and pen down fleeting thoughts, draining my soul of what was unsaid and unheard.
You should know that there’s no singular theme or a chronological sequence to this anthology.
I hope my words leave you comforted and warm.
~~~
For someone who is largely grim about hope, I sure do hope a lot for you.
Maybe that is why people indulge in it so often. When there is much you cannot do, what you can do is hope.
And I hope with all of my dreary heart for you. That’s for sure.
~~~
Be kind. Be fair. Be gentle. Be empathetic. Give a chance. Take a chance. Allow yourself the discomfort of change. Take a leap of faith. Breathe. And live.
~~~
I cannot swim. But I can drown.
I cannot fly. But I can fall.
The sea and the window, such endless possibilities.
~~~
How did I turn, in a split second, from being one in a million, to just another one in a million?
~~~
Big people are often born out of small homes.
~~~
It tastes like you sometimes when I smoke.
I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.
I don’t know if I love it or if I hate it.
But one thing’s for sure, that your memory, just like the cigarette, offers only a momentary relief from the pain of loss. I nub the cigarette butt, I numb my heart.
~~~
Words. Sometimes they hit hard. Sometimes you get them all wrong. And sometimes you feel as if there aren’t enough in this world for you to convey what’s truly in your head and heart.
Words. How I love them on some days. How I despise them on others.
~~~
Cut yourself some slack.
I know it is easier to believe the bad in you that everybody points out to, even when that isn’t who you are.
But more so because I know that it is so much more difficult to believe the good in you that nobody sees, but which exists deep inside of you.
~~~
“I am open to suggestions”, she said.
“Don’t go”, he replied.
“Don’t let me”, she said.
“Why don’t you stay?”, he suggested.
“Then make me”, she replied.
~~~
And that is when it hit me. I did not have to prove to you that my love for you kept me warm from the inside, even after all this time. I did not have to walk into fire, to make a spectacle of myself, simply to prove that I’d been looking for warmth. I did not have to let it burn me.
~~~
I think I am smarter with words than with numbers.
Just how I am more comfortable with the certainty of death than the uncertainty of life.
Maybe it is to do with how I hate myself and also how I love myself.
~~~
I know I’m not the smartest in the world.
But I know I can be the smartest in a room.
And for that I am not going to be sorry.
Humility is essential, I agree. But I am not going to downplay my genius, whatever kind it may be, for your comfort.
If I’ve invested time and effort in reading, writing, experiencing, living, and learning, then I am not going to hide it.
Make of it whatever you please.
~~~
I can only see so far out, the horizon they call it.
But I know that ain’t no full stop; a whole world lies beyond it.
It is difficult to describe what you can’t see, but even more difficult to describe what you feel.
And even though I can’t see it right now, I know there’s a storm brewing in the dark, inside me.
~~~
It is a different kind of pain altogether, to have someone alive haunt you. It leaves a stain on your soul that no home remedy could ever fix. You can only pray and wish and hope that the ache lessens with each passing day, until its vanished.
~~~
Sometimes you lose those tears in the rain. Or in the shower. And for a while it feels good. But on some days the rain couldn’t fall harder for the raindrops to camouflage your tears. You can feel each tear well up in your eyes and break through every effort that you make for it to not flow down your cheek. Those are the real tears.
~~~
Only time will tell. Only time can. And it usually does. So, wait. Be patient. And give time, some time.
~~~
For words spoken and actions taken, which were correct and just and fair, are we to remain forever grateful and obliged? Or can we simply acknowledge, appreciate and applaud the good doers and move on? Do good deeds empower and encourage us or do they tether us? Am I to spend the rest of my life writing out thank you notes to the good folks, reminding them of the purity of their choices? Or can I go on and live my life always aware of their good but not bound by it?
~~~
Death doesn’t betray us. Life does.
~~~
We talk about regret, like it’s a given. Like how we talk about a tomorrow, as if it’s promised. But what if I don’t live to be a hundred years old? Can I then do what I want, whichever way I like it, if I am not going to live long enough to let my mistakes turn into mistakes? Can I be free now, untethered and untamed?
~~~
A character from an old movie.
The lyrics to a forgotten song.
Words from a torn novel.
An odd smile.
An everyday tear.
It’s funny, right? How we manage to find remnants of lost love in the most bizarre but routine places. You know you only miss it, but don’t wish for it to come back to you. Love is better off that way sometimes, occurred but lost.
~~~
Everything matters, until you die. And then, after you are dead, your death matters. Live a humble life. But never steer away from ambition and good work in light of your inevitable end.
~~~
People are not who you are. People are who they are. No cage holds two hearts that are alike. We may breathe the same air and sleep under the same sky but we are all an entire world within ourselves. No one will care for you or want your utmost well-being the way you will, for yourself. Not because they don’t want to, but because they can’t. We are all meant to, supposed to, love ourselves first, embrace our true selves first and then move on to people around us.
It’s you first, for us all.
~~~
I can die for you, I’d claimed.
And now you are dead, leaving me behind.
Tell me love, what do I do now?
Die or live?
~~~
How are you?
I’m okay. I just keep bleeding love.
What? You mean like the Leona Lewis song?
Yes, exactly like that.
Does it hurt?
More than you can imagine.
Do you think it’ll ever stop?
I don’t know. I’m not sure if that’s an option. You think it could? I could?
You can do whatever you wish to. Yes, you can. You will.
~~~
I’ve lost more people to life than to death. And honestly, I’m not sure which one hurts more, which one weighs me down more. Because when people die they are gone. That is how it works. But when they are alive, what do you do? The dead do not come back. But how do you resuscitate the ones who are alive? How do you do it?
~~~
"I can let you go and still love you",she said.
And here I was, staring at my screen and tearing up thinking of you.