Pillow confessions

Up... Down...

Up... Down...

Again and again,

the same pace.

Nayeon was stuck in a dilemma. She had laid her head upon Jeongyeon's chest after they'd gone to bed together, with the intention to fall asleep together as well. Nayeon had always been bad at falling asleep, and it proved now again that she just wasn't able to fall asleep after five minutes. It took her at least an hour to fall asleep every night and only if it was completely dark and quiet in the room.

Her girlfriend, Jeongyeon, was completely the oposite. It hadn't even been five minutes until her breathing had evened and her heartbeat had slowed down. Once in a while, she even let out a snore — it was actually very cute. But Nayeon therefor couldn't sleep.

Whilst it was incredible comfertable to use Jeongyeon as a pillow like that, she also really wanted to see her face. She had seen it before; a sleeping Jeongyeon, but it was different now that they were finally dating. She had never allowed herself to think of her as cute whilst she was asleep. Jeongyeon always had this habit of letting her mouth fall open. The other members had often made fun of that, but Nayeon couldn't think of anything else that was as cute as that. And now that the brunette was hers entirely, she couldn't help but to want to admire her.

Nayeon lifted her head up, as slowly as she could, to not wake up Jeongyeon. She shifted her position a little, so she could place her hand under her head so she could look at the other girl. A smile appeared on her lips at the sight of her. She was a bit dissapointed to see her mouth hadn't fallen open, but she wasn't exactly dissatisfied. Jeongyeon looked cute no matter what.

Jeongyeon laid on her back, her arms by her side, one still draped over Nayeon's body to keep her close, the other half hanging besides the bed. One foot stack out from under te sheets and threatened to fall off the bed too. A snore left her mouth, causing Nayeon to chuckle softly.

Jeongyeon slowly opened one eye, disturbed from her sleep. Nayeon wrapped her hand in front of her mouth to smore her chuckles.

"Did I-.. Did I wake you up?" she asked softly. Jeongyeon opened her other eye, although not entirely. A lazy smile appeared on her face.

"Yes, but I don't mind," she said. "Because it's you."

Her hand shifted from Nayeon's waist to her hand to hold it. Nayeon intertwined their fingers willingly and smiled back to her girlfriend.

"What were you doing anyway?" the brunette asked.

"Watching you sleep," Nayeon aswered carelessly honest. Jeongyeon frowned her eyebrows jokily.

"Yeah, that's of course not scary at all," she laughed. Nayeon gave her a slight push and pouted her lips cutely.

"I couldn't sleep, okay! You were making all of these incredible loud snoring noises," she said. A sneaky grin appeared on her face.

"That's not true, I don't snore!" Jeongyeon exclaimed loudly. Nayeon chuckled and bowed down to press a kiss upon her lips.

"Sure, babe," she said. Jeongyeon huffed in dislike, but Nayeon noticed she wasn't really bothered with it. The younger girl pulled her closer. Nayeon laid down again and let her head rest upon Jeongyeon's chest once more. She let their legs intertwine and laid her hand upon the other girl's belly. Her fingers started to draw on her skin, tracing the outlines of a heart or a star or just Jeongyeon's name. She heard Jeongyeon chuckle; she had always been ticklish on her belly.

"So what's on your mind?" Jeongyeon asked. Nayeon kept on drawing.

"Nothing, why?"

"Because you always draw on me or play with my hands whenever you're thinking of something," Jeongyeon said. "Just as I get silent when I'm scared."

Nayeon looked up and pouted. Jeongyeon smiled and touched her lips with the tip of her fingers.

"Just tell me," she said. "You know you can tell me anything, right."

"I do, but it's so.. stupid," Nayeon said, while she let herself sink back onto Jeongyeon's chest again, using her as a comfertable pillow. Her girlfriend started to tuck the strands of hair that weren't wrapped in a ponytail behind her ear. When those were done, she moved over to run her fingers through her black hair. Nayeon closed her eyes and enjoyed the touches, almost forgetting the troubles that had been haunting her for the last couple of weeks. Almost.

"I always tell you stupid things," Jeongyeon insisted. She didn't stop with running her fingers through her hair. Nayeon let out a sigh, nuzzling her face up closer against Jeongyeon's neck.

"I'm worried..." she eventually admitted.

"About...?" the brunette asked. Nayeon doubted for a moment whether she should say anything. If she told Jeongyeon what had gone through her mind these past few weeks then she couldn't go back. She didn't know how Jeongyeon might take it. Her girlfriend had never been mad at her when she expressed her worries to her, but this time it was selfish.

Nayeon took a deep sigh.

"About us. You. Me."

Jeongyeon got silent for a moment.

"Do you want to break up?"

Jeongyeon's ever so loud voice had suddenly become quiet and soft, scared even. Nayeon quickly shook her head.

"No, dumbass," she said. She heard her girlfriend sigh relieved.

"Are you afraid that I don't love you, then?" Jeongyeon asked softly. Nayeon bit her lip.

"No.. I mean- well, I don't know. Maybe. Perhaps. I know you love me but.."

Nayeon sighed annoyedly because she couldn't express her feelings well. She got up from Jeongyeon's chest and moved over, so she could lay besides her, leaning on her elbow. Their eyes met and Nayeon already regretted saying anything at the sight of Jeongyeon's worried expression.

"I love you, Im Nayeon, I do," Jeongyeon said seriously. Nayeon knew and nodded slowly.

"I know.. I love you too," she replied.

"Then what's the problem?" the younger girl asked confused. Nayeon thought to hear a hint of insecureness in her voice, an emotion that only rarely occured in Yoo Jeongyeon. Nayeon grabbed her hand again and pinched it to reassure her a bit, but mostly to tell herself that it was all okay.

"I-I know I shouldn't be thinking such things.. and I know you love me, that we're in a relationship but.. I just can't-I can't help to think of you with.. with Areum. I dreamt about it, you know.. And I... Jeongyeon, you had a kid with her. You planned on getting married with her.. And I'm worried. You've been together for years. Only a year ago you told me you were planning on spending more time with your kid. Areum practically lives next door and I'm just... It's not that I'm annoyed but I think that it's more scaring me."

Areum was the girl — no, woman — who had been engaged to Jeongyeon during her training period. Just before she debuted as a member of TWICE, the two broke up, but only after having adopted a baby together. They were planning on getting married as soon as Jeongyeon's scedule slowed down, but they never had their wedding day. Areum and Jeongyeon broke up right after TWICE debuted. Areum got full custody of their kid, Haneul, and Jeongyeon only got to see him once every two weeks. During their scedule she hadn't been able to see him that often and could only visit her son once every month. Now that things had slowed down again, after their Cheer up comeback, Jeongyeon had admitted to her that she wanted to see Haneul more. He was now one and a half year old and was able to walk already. She knew it made Jeongyeon sad she couldn't be with her child often. But being with Haneul more, also meant that she'd be around Areum more. Sometimes Nayeon couldn't help but to think that Jeongyeon's feelings for Areum weren't exactly gone.

Normally, she wouldn't have minded. In fact, she liked kids a lot, so she probably would've joined... If only Areum wasn't around all the time. She lived two buildings away, and Nayeon often crossed her path whilst going to the convenience store to shop for snacks for the members. And damn, she was a beautiful woman. Jeongyeon had once told her that they met because of her sister. Areum used to be a good friend of Seungyeon, because they were trainees together. Whilst Seungyeon debuted as an actress, Areum did as a model. Because Seungyeon brought Areum over a lot, Jeongyeon had a lot of contact too. Eventually the two started to date, and didn't break up once during their relationship.

Nayeon and Jeongyeon were completely the opposite. They hadn't broken up either yet, but they had fought with each other several times. Plus, Nayeon was not a model. She was an okay visual, and she sometimes got a compliment or two, but that was it.

When Jeongyeon and Areum broke up, Jeongyeon had been incredibly sad and quiet. Eventually it had passed, but it was horrible to see her like that. Nothing was able to cheer her up. For Nayeon, who back then already had developped a crush on the younger girl, it was literal torture. Jeongyeon often cried on her shoulder. Nayeon helped her, even though it hurt her to know she was only seen as a friend. When she started to act like her old self again, Nayeon wasn't that surprised Jeongyeon started to hang out more with her. But to predict it'd eventually end up in the relationship of her dreams? No one could've seen that coming. Nayeon surely didn't.

Nayeon looke down and sighed. This time she was the one to feel Jeongyeon pinch her hand with hers. She didn't look up, kept staring at the white sheets; she didn't feel reassured at all.

"Can you move on that fast from someone you've been with for years whilst seeing her almost every day? I don't know..." she said softly, almsot inaudibly. Jeongyeon sighed for a moment.

"You think I didn't move on?" Jeongyeon asked. Nayeon looked up now, but stayed silent, not sure what to say. She knew Jeongyeon loved her, but she was afraid she'd never love her as she loved Areum. That she'll always stay second choice, a rebound. Someone to play with, to spend time with when bored. To leave when someone better comes around... or comes back.

Jeongyeon smiled weakly and let herself fall back onto the pillows. She placed her hands under her head and stared towards the ceiling.

"Maybe I just... didn't have anything better to do. She used to be my everything, yes, but I guess that's because I didn't have much that were worth while. So yes, I stayed with her, because she was the best thing in my life. I used to think that she was the person who could love me the most, I used to think that she was the one. But she was just my first love, and I found out that the love between us, wasn't even that great. I treated her like a princess, but actually, she didn't give a damn about me. She has a new boyfriend, you know, only a month after we broke up. I moved on from her after I realized that I had been tricked by myself all the time. I was lonely for a while, and I wanted her back, just to have someone I could call mine. Someone I could lay next to in bed and hug, so I wouldn't feel so alone anymore. I thought that maybe I could forget that she moved on from me so quickly."

Jeongyeon took Nayeon's hand and let their fingers intertwine again. The brunette sighed again.

"You were not a rebound, Nayeon. I had had my time to grieve about my previous relationship, I had had my time to get over her. I got over her, and then fell in love again. You're the person who doesn't make me feel lonely, who I can cuddle with, who I can confide in. I realized that my relationship with Areum was completely fake and forced in comperison to the thing we have now. You make me feel so much better. So please, don't worry about Areum anymore."

The younger girl pressed a kiss on the top of Nayeon's hand. "You're the one I love."

Nayeon pressed her lips together to not start grinning widely. She looked up towards the ceiling and took a deep breath. Then, she let herself fall upon Jeongyeon's body again, hiding her face in the crook of her neck and wrapping her arms around her girlfriend's body. Only then she allowed herself to smile widely.

Jeongyeon chuckled.

"So, that means your insecurities are gone now?" she asked. Nayeon pushed herself up again, not hiding her grin anymore, and rolled her eyes playfully.

"You better not have lied to me," she said. Jeongyeon laughed.

"Never," she said, before the pulled Nayeon in for a deep, long passionate kiss. Nayeon's grin couldn't be whiped off her face that day.

Not one word was lied. Nayeon became more and more sure of that as time passed by.