They were all over the way and also the day. Without them this day would’ve been uninteresting...
No person was expressionless; they all tried to express something, even the ones whose was hard to recognize. I saw them all by the grayness of the atmosphere walking as busily as ever. The sunbeam kissed the cold pavements of the earth and made lurking in the blue chilly breeze a pleasant idiocy. Each person I passed seemed happy by default. The whole crowd was teeming with life. But in this charm of the swarm my face was but of a stranger. I had lost Identity. Delirious as I walked, but not too delirious to tackle with other ‘out of focus; daydreaming’ people like me(I called them ROADCUTTERS), I tried to gather my scintillated hope together, at least to make it sober up to the bus stop and then again regain my self-involving dramatic consciousness. Being positive sometimes can be healthy.
Well the other night, precisely midnight I got a call from my friend telling that we had to complete our chemistry Journals and that tomorrow was the last day for submission. And he specifically added a post script “And yes this is for you too. Come tomorrow, or get insulted at the practicals” and I at the coincidentally true eleventh hour toiled under my lamp and pained my hand till the last words were written. The next morning I woke up with rather a hope. I was feeling good about going to college; of course I was going after so long and people would definitely give me great attention. Absentees are always looked upon curiously.
So I had been a recluse all the time, a hermit who meditated in my realm of serenity. I was away from the world all undisturbed in good health, because my college lately had been giving me so much pain- A stab in the heart at every instance, to hear people commenting bad and their hateful stares judging one by their clothes (they called it their swag) and see fake people flatter themselves to severe degrees. So I stayed back. I never went, or seldom did. But good things have their own drawbacks if consumed in extremity. I started to give up things easily. I guarded myself from the things which would make me strong, which would teach me the truth by simply avoiding them. That was not good. But today I was feeling good about my trip rather I was feeling more ready.
The road, the people on their honky vehicles and the dusty polluted nine o’ clock air! I missed it all very much. Smoking in the dusty air I waited at the deserted bus stop along with an old lady. I waited. Time passed I couldn’t see any bus. I waited more. It had been fifteen minutes. I waited patiently. Now any big thing that emerged from the mirage of the road end stimulated my reflex arc and like a pigeon I would twist my neck. It had now been half an hour. The waiting seemed like an eternity, you know... relativity. I think the old lady must’ve been young when she had got here. Thirty one minutes ... oh there now, I could see a bus. And the next moment I was in the most viscous of a crammed crowd, in a rusty unreliable and deafening hundred year old government bus. I stood there needing not much to balance, as the crowd was enough to bear me. People could see my drained limbs out of my drooled shirt as I held them for support on the handles above, and that was embarrassing. Still I stood there smiling all the way. Out of excitement I passed on a seat beside me to a weary looking middle aged man, but soon regretted it after again realizing that people didn’t actually care. It took me nearly an hour and a half and also a great deal of fortitude to pass the tour. But this done I had just finished half of my journey. The other paining part was yet to come; I had to take another bus. Well the other bus, by good’s grace came early and I took it, just as fair. There was crowd in that bus too, but I was too tired to complain and I passed it also...
With so positive a verve I experienced seldom, I jumped out of the slowing bus near the stop and almost jolted into the college gate. I opened my eyes like one does when he opens the curtain, to see the light that I ever wanted to see. But this light was far away, I couldn’t see it. I was expecting somebody from far to recognize my shaded form and just give me a waving hand to still let me know that the person knows me. But there was none. There was no one there, just strangers prowling around. There was a road, a long road and fallen parched leaves on it. I saw the road before me and wondered where all had gone. I walked some steps and still I couldn’t find them. They were not there, my friends, the ones I knew. But still I resolved to walk, hoping I would find them, further; farther. But I never found them, they never came.
Now that I had no person with me my hope was regaining its dull color. Still I went on. The college hadn’t changed for me, I had. A metamorphosed creature will find the world old but himself- new and so was with me. Everything of the college was at its place just the leaves fell as it was autumn. I took left at the end of the extensive main road and entered the main campus. Old teachers were having a leisurely stroll around and a group of watchmen were sitting around a bonfire, the NCC cadets were having a jog, rather a torture. Wait... they are having a jog! It’s Eight and I’m late! I rushed towards the laboratory for as far as I knew, the cadets were perfectly on the dot of time at eight. I rushed and then I reached.
“Hey you’re late. Are you In the Defaulters?” shouted the Head teacher the moment I didn’t even get inside.
‘No Ma’m... I’m here to submit my sheets”
“Now... So early huh!” she taunted.
“Um.... I’m Sorry Ma’m”
I had U-pins attached to all my files, but soon I realized that the files had to be stapled. I asked for a stapler to my much compassionate batch teacher Preeti mam who was standing just beside, looking at the entertainment with either interest or helplessness? But the more dominant head teacher grunted-
“Oh yes... Mister Late Lateef wants the stapler now. I’m sorry but you didn’t tell me before, if you’d have told me Sir then I’d have brought it from home!”
“Um...”
“Staple the sheets from anywhere and give it to your batch teacher as soon as you can!”
“Okay...Ma’m”
“Get lost now!”
And I was thrown out by that voice from the teeming laboratory. The people inside, they were all from the defaulters list, into the lab performing their pending experiments. At least I was better than those scumbags. So why did she snap on me?
Knowing not where to go with ruffled sheets and sunken belief I proceeded. As I saw on the way a timid girl with thickened glasses carrying a big copy of James Joyce’s Ulysses (Which I believed she never read, just pretended) it sparked into my mind that the library had a printing counter where they provided a stapler. I hurried to the place rambling into the filling crowds of the main campus near the sociological department, where interestingly there were students of different contrasts and races. It was nice and at the same time surprising to see such people gathered at such a place. As soon as I entered the vintage Bai Jerbai Wadia Library, I broke the line and evoked a commotion annoying other people with my wackiness. I started to staple from the stapler tied to the steeple as busily as if I cared nobody was watching me, but they were in -disgust, or Interest? I don’t know.
I finished though in mess. After punching my sheets into the file I head out all ready though I was already (If the teacher had accepted the U-pins. She was too proud to take them and I was too unauthorized to point out her foolishness). As soon as I reentered the lab I found out my teacher had gone out for breakfast. I waited for fifteen minutes and then I hunted for her again. Even after searching the whole department I couldn’t find her and after rambling hesitantly like a bum a peon told me that she was in the far corner of the department- in the ‘teacher’s room’. I went there. I found her.
I wanted to be relieved but I rued. Clumsy as ever as she was (she was not usually, or did I not know her?) there was a heap of files dusting away for quite some time to be certified. I expressed my sentiments. Even though I got a warm welcome- yeah she greeted me ‘Late lateef’ as she saw me coming and with a shameful showy face of which I was never shameful I placed with utmost care and politeness my decorated file.
“How many sheets have to be checked?” she asked busily correcting other files.
“Umm…..all of them Ma’m
She laughed sarcastically and reiterated to the other stonehearted teacher beside.
“Oh my God…”
“What…. What were you doing before? Sleeping?” mocked the stonehearted teacher.
And I had to pass more moments of Insults until the score of files left to be checked declined. After waiting for half an hour in utter awkwardness she finally reflected on me and told me to help her tie the sheets and keep them in the cupboard. I did it, with the most pretending happy manner and that made me look less shameful. She finally took on my file.
“What sheets are these? These are not the main sheets…”
“Umm… Ma’m they are from the previous year. I lost my current file and had to issue new so I asked the peon and he gave it to me.”
“And you have used the main sheet for all the experiments… and dates are also not written on any single of the sheets” she said scrolling my stapled sheets in disgust.
I had to hear a lot like that. But hearing was not all.
“Hey… look here there is a mistake in these readings… it should not be 10.5 it should be somewhere near 11. Go check in the main lab and then come with the file.”
And I went and came back bringing with me 0.3.
But that also was not all
“Hey see here, your reactions are not fine.” “You’ve written it nitrate, it should be nitride” “water of crystallization is five molecules not eight molecules” “this boiling point is wrong” “this reading is wrong” “that reading is wrong” And a lot more…
I had encircled the main lab nearly fifteen times to rectify my mistakes which were so trivial so not to make any huge scientific blunder.
And this too was not all. The teacher wasn’t done putting a period/dot to my humiliation that a so called ‘studious girl’ as my teacher reiterated to me came and amplified my wounds. She was from twelfth and she was there to solve a doubt regarding co-ordination compounds. Well I had heard about co-ordination compounds but I never heeded. It was never in our syllabus.
“Mam…Im from twelfth I and Im having a doubt in co-ordination compounds”
The teachers, the only two who were there in the deserted orange cabin were so delighted so as to make a tremendous evil smile and reflect-
“A doubt! Okay…(controlling emotion, or uneasiness?) what is it beta?”
And then she asked some question about nickel and phosphorous, their electronic configuration, their p orbital, their bond formation and enthalpy and all that stuff that I always feared to hear.
And Irony it is, before answering her question my teacher half checking my file turned to me and said-
“Look… this is what an example of a sincere student. Learn from her”
“Haa..” I couldn’t reply.
And then they were on. They were in with their completely nonsensical play. Of all the doubts she will have there will only be one answer and only I knew what it was-‘that you can’t know it all’
I was really frustrated with the wasteful time they consumed from me. I was waiting desperately for nearly an hour for my silly yellow file to get checked and that I put my whole precious day in it just to pursue three marks for semester and a little dignity. But they were disgustingly sluggish. The silly girl was arguing and the teacher was explaining her her alienistic language.
After a few more minutes which seemed like stabbing hours …you know, relativity, the girl gave up and said she understood it all. Did she really understand it? I don’t know
And after all that was done and after all the sighing and cursing when the girl was gone, the teacher (also fed up) CERTIFIED my file. And that was my happiest moment of the day.
Irritated, frustrated, exasperated, infuriated, maddened and annoyed; I was finally free of all these. I set out from the cabin like a free bird wanting to get out as forcefully as I could fly, covering great distance and kissing the world a laughable goodbye. That was indeed a great feeling. Leaving now had always become a great feeling.
I was out and in no idea where to go. So I decided to resolve my destination as a wanderer, by wandering. And as I wandered I finally found it. I was at the canteen and getting there had made me thirsty so I decided to have tea. I took the tea and a seat beside a tree in front of the huge monumental place Kimaya of our college. Well there were many people there, probably more than the total number found in the classrooms collectively. There were many both unknown ones and some known ones. There was but one similarity between the known and the unknown ones-they didn’t care; and there was but one difference in them – that the known ones even after knowing didn’t care. I saw my bunch of friends, the group which I used to be a part of but now am an outcast looking at me but not noticing. Finally I waved my hand and got a dry gesture from them, they called me but I told them I’m fine here. They seemed happy. Next I saw Aditi walking with a guy far beyond. I didn’t know him. She seemed to blossom every time he spoke a word. I had always loved her, but in the end all I saw in her eyes was the love that reflected back to me. They both too were happy. And I was...
So I moved on, leaving the fading scene behind me. I encircled the main circle and found a large crowd walking as I expected. There were many there, but actually there was no one. And that has what made walking in circles always lonely. The thing was that, people were not worthy, they were bad. They were not real, they had become an illusion. Out of their humble homes or other humble places of origin they came here wearing a mask. As soon as they entered this worldly college they wore this mask, the mask of untruthfulness, the mask of vice that covered their virtue. It was as if they came to a hospital and that surviving without a mask was impossible. They left their humble past behind and were tuning to a wasteful future. They were embarrassed of their parents and feared lest their friends would see them with their parents, they feared to make friendship with people wearing simple clothes or the ones which would embarrass them with their ugliness. They always survived for other people, they never did live for themselves. Their thoughts were governed by the vice of the mainstream. And that was the main reason for me being secluded... people just weren’t worthy.
I walked with a heavy heart and resolved to never come back to this place again, but I couldn’t. The bus stop was far, it wasn’t the same I used to come through. There was a long road ahead of me and now a large crowd walking alongside. No person was expressionless; they all tried to express something. I saw them all by the grayness of the atmosphere walking as busily as ever. The whole crowd was teeming with life but I had lost Identity. People saw but they didn’t think, they were busy in their own world, and these people were scattered all over the pavement. I called them the Roadcutters. My road was filled with them and they seemed never to end. Grannies, busy men and sassy girls-all kind of people were among them. I was really frustrated by them. Whenever they passed you they would block your road. They would confuse you with your left and your right. And then they would force you to see in their eyes (and some even give a wry expression) and they crossed your way. Indeed they block you but just for a moment. You turn a different path and cross those Roadcutters. I wanted to have a clear walkthrough but I couldn’t. This was the only way. But I was patient. Life taught me patience, and patience taught me more patience. And I didn’t complain even thought I was frustrated.
But then suddenly at the end of the road (the road ends which I thought to be mirages) at the diversion; these Roadcutters were nowhere to be seen. I couldn’t see any one of them, the crowd had gone. The road was deserted, with just the fallen autumn leaves. The air of freedom blew whistling away. There was a plain road in front of me, a bare road uninhabited and no one to block me. This barren land was mine and I would walk on it however I want. And then suddenly my eyes got widened, my breathing heavier. And then I laughed like anything, the smiling wont cease. I had resolved to never comeback, but I just wouldn’t.