We were inseparable, when the darkness fills the night and the moons collides with the stars it was my cue go out of my room and sneak across the hall to him.
He was a man, tall with pale skin but he had those insanely red lips that would kiss every part of me and I would always end up kissing him too.
He was my man but I could only call him mine when I lay down in that sinful bed. at times I would long to be touched by him, I wanted those manly arms around me, he was so warm that at the day my body screamed for him and couldn't wait for the night to set to come to him and show him how much I missed him.
He knew every part of me he knew what I loved and what I wanted but that doesn't change the fact that he was a dick and he had a girlfriend waiting for him.
I was the girl to be left alone, the girl who couldn't stake claim to the things I wanted I can never have what I want or what makes me happy. I was just there waiting for the good days to come and to be over.
I'm always in the waiting. waiting for it to be over. waiting for the day to come that my man realises I was "the one" and be swept off my feet by my or I'm just waiting for the awaited tragedy to come( his girlfriend finding the truth about us). or theres waiting for my prince to finally come a save me from this evil king.
I never knew there was so much waiting in life.
When I first got into this arrangement I thought it was easy to be out of it too. there was no love to be made. No relationships to be done only sex. Fuckable sex. just hardcore and longing sex that would feed our hungry souls of intimacy.
I didn't know this intimacy could kill what life had for me. I was stringed and pinned to him everyday and every act I would do would always got me thinking of him, he was the only thing exciting happening in my life that was why my focus was parted with him too. Guilt killed me. I never knew lying was so hard. I lied to everybody, my family, my brother, my sister, my suitors that never turned into relationships because of the secret I held and including myself I denied the fact that he was taking a part of me, Every passing day
I would lie and say I wasn't in love with him, he was a man and I'm just this soon to be 18 year old (legal to point out to you guys) using his so called "kuya"(filipino term for brother but where not related I just call him kuya because he's older than me.) and feed the lustful side of me. I would always tell myself
" he was never mine, never was and never will."
And now I'm afraid to let go, knowing how good it is and how much this toxic relationship could kill me and my opportunities in life I'm afraid to let go because I'm afraid there would be more waiting for another man to come than the good I had with him. I'm afraid I won't find a man as good as the way he makes me feel, how he comforts me, my problems and lustful hunger. I'm afraid no one will notice me anymore. because he always did. he always cared for me. always looked for me.
he was just always there when no one was.
i knew at some point it had to be over. it had to voice out that i wanted it to end. i did, i had the whole thing played out my head but when the time came and talked to him personally it ended up in all the wrong places.
1. We had sex.
2. He didn't believe I was falling for him.
3. He didn't want it to end.
4. I still gave in to him.
5. we ended up continuing the "toxic" relationship.
and now its driving me insane. Knowing life holds so many opportunities for me, I'm being used to be cheated on his girlfriend, the fact that I "think" I'm falling for him and want him for myself and I can't get into other relationships drives the me crazy! I want to get out of this relationship. its killing and feeding me all at the same time.
I want to have someone that I can call mine and show to the public what he means to me. I don't want to lie to anyone, I don't want to wait for the night to set just to be in someones arms, I don't want to feel that punch in my heart whenever I see his girlfriend smiling at him like the good boyfriend he is or see even see the love in there eyes and finally I don't want to feel played anymore or question every act I do whether it is right or not!
I'm hoping theres still that day that happens to each one of us that you just know that its love. screw "how long you met each other!" in a span of two to three weeks or maybe even less and your body produces sparks every time you touch or your stomach does the summersaults or maybe even the electricity that you make with him! you have to admit, that has to be legit reason for you to call it love! you just know that he's the one you've been waiting to catch and fall with you and if it would happen to me I don't want it to be a one time thing. I want it everyday. I want it to change me for the good of me not lead me to the wrong path.
Even with all things I come with. Sex with a 25 year old man, lying to people I love, waiting and all I'm still hoping for that day to come.