“The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it’s not. It is an existential truth; only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person- without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom because they know that if the other leaves they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other side because it is not given by the other”.
-Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh aka Osho
Self-reliance is what Mahata Gandhi fought for when he initiated the Swadeshi Movement. His aim was to enable and empower our country such that it would succeed in standing strong and tall on its own feet. Self-reliance is almost synonymous with self-esteem. Both are important for one to exercise, in order for one to know their worth. But I believe that too much talk of self-esteem has only transformed it into yet another marketable commodity that people have started to exploit for their own benefits. What I am gunning at today is self-sufficiency.
Mr. Lockwood (Wuthering Heights) said, ‘A sensible man ought to find sufficient company in himself’. And why not? If we can’t love ourselves, then how could we possibly love others? It is therefore essential that we are truly and a one hundred percent committed to ourselves before we decide to extend our commitment to another being, piece of work or to life. Is self-sufficiency then nothing but veiled vanity? Or is it in its true sense, one state of mind, every human being must be in?
That self-sufficiency could lead to times when you are alone, with no one beside you, is true. But can self-sufficiency be also held responsible for lonely times? For someone who understands the stark difference between being alone and being lonely, I wonder if the former causes the latter or vice-versa. Is it because I am alone that I must instead aim to be self-sufficient or is it that I am lonely because I am self-sufficient? Though I gladly and proudly tell people of my ‘self-sufficient’ self I am not sure if my audience gets the idea. Some are threatened by it, I can tell. Some are simply not interested. Some believe it to be my way of protecting self from personal and mostly nonsensical questions of relationship statuses and partners. And then there are some who I know try their best but still fail.
Another idea sailed into my head while I was wiling away time, contemplating self-sufficiency as a way of life. In one of my favorite books of all times, The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini, Amir’s father enlightens him on that one sin he believes to be the only sin-that of theft. He says, ‘Now, no matter what the mullah teaches, there is only one sin, only one. And that is of theft. When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife’s right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness. There is no act more wretched than stealing, Amir’.
A majority of human beings wish for an afterlife in heaven, whatever that heaven constitutes. Considering that human beings are social beings and can’t thrive alone for long, and that we need to be felt needed, am I committing the greatest sin of all, leading a life of self-sufficiency and stealing someone’s right to be felt needed? By surviving all by myself in this big bad world; savoring my successes and caressing my broken heart with nobody by my side, am I a thief, robbing my apparent better half of his/her right to be turned to in my times of happiness and sorrow? Am I the biggest sinner of all? By choosing to stay alone, and mind it- not lonely, am I the fraud of the year, thieving the people in my life and the ones’ who might be a part of it, from their duty of being there for someone and more so, not giving them a chance to be kind or rather feel good about themselves by being there for me? Maybe that is why people fear break ups- end of relationships. It isn’t the sorrow that follows the loss of a loved one from their day to day life but instead a sudden and a rather rude reminder that that person doesn’t need or want them anymore. It must be a terrible blow to one’s need to be felt needed. Maybe it had never been about the companionship; just a reassuring reminder that there was someone out there that needed you, and that for many unfortunately serves as validation for their existence.
Living a life of self-sufficiency does not mean that it can be lead with no support from the outside world. A country could be self-supporting but it will nonetheless engage in trade, in import and export. That never hurt any nation, said some economist. Similarly, a man/woman of a self-sufficient lifestyle will engage in export and import to ensure his/her healthy functioning. S/He will still need a group of friends to go out with. S/He still might be a little hesitant to sit alone at the dinner table and eat lunch after class. S/He will want somebody to talk to about her/his fears, her/his insecurities, her/his goals, her/his ambitions. But at the end of the day s/he shall be independent. S/He will thrive and exist and deal with her/his shortcomings and advantages all by herself/himself. An old quote might help me articulate this thought better; it says, ‘Knowledge is power. The less people know about you, the better’. And a woman/man of a self-sufficient lifestyle does abide by this construct of self-revelation. It is all about letting out enough that you stay away from the anti-social tag and keeping to oneself all that truly matters. It is an art, to strike a perfect balance between what’s known and unknown about you.
Like nothing in life comes free and/or easy, a life of self-sufficiency is no exception to that rule. You pay a heavy price for consciously adopting and adapting to a lifestyle such which primarily would have you categorized as aloof, a loner or the worst of all-prudish. In a world where labels come easy to humans than to cans, living with such tags can be difficult, almost challenging at times. It could make you question your decision to choose a modus vivendi where in times of need, you might more often than usual find yourself alone- accountable and responsible, a one hundred per cent, all for yourself. But also like everything in life, these difficult and testing times pass, only leaving you stronger and more determined to continue living life on your terms, working out your own rules and figuring out the intricacies of each passing day, step by step.