Am I selfish? Am I selfish to put my own happiness over your once-in-a-lifetime opportunity?
I sit here, hoping and praying that you will not leave. With the little time we have with one another, I am praying in a desperate hope that you will be turned down.
I am selfish. Very selfish.
But what is worse is that I do not even care that I am.
I am in love with you, at least I think I might be, and the thought of us seeing even less of each other grinds my heart into dust. I've lost far too many best friends over time, and I have no intention of losing another...you.
You are my best friend. I've confided in you more than I have to my own family. I can talk to you about far more than I can with hardly anyone else. You've come the closest to seeing my true colors; and you've cared about me enough to ease my mind of my worries, no matter how petty and foolish they may seem to you.
You are my primary source of comfort. There is no better listener I know than you, because you understand; at least, for the most part. And I long for contact—for you to hold me the way you do, and tell me that I am not the horrible girl that I am. I long for your kiss, in all of its shyness and inexperience that I so hold dear, and how you make me forget about my problems. I long for you.
Because I miss you.
I miss the way you sometimes sing in my ear, no matter how inconsistent or discordant your voice may be. I miss your voice in itself, the crackling essence of a young man in its tone. I miss your whispers of affection against my ear, and the softness of your lips brushing against my cheek as you seal every word with a kiss.
I want the feeling of your soft, blonde hair tickling against my forehead as you lean close to me. I want the feeling of your heartbeat against me as I lay upon your torso. I want the feeling of your kind, warm, chocolate brown eyes looking into my cold, piercing, stormy sea-foam green ones.
I need your arms around me again. I need your strong, large fingers caressing my head and back. I need you towering over me in your height, with my head beneath your chin.
I cannot name anyone else who can send me at peace in a single sentence. You always seem to know just what to say, though you may not think so. Sometimes, there is no need for words.
I could not tell you what I would give to just see you now, because I do not know for myself. If there's one thing that I do know, it is that whenever I do see you, I want you all to myself.
Because I'm selfish.
I absolutely despise myself for thinking so greedily. I do not want to sacrifice your happiness for my own, but damn it all, I care about you too much to let you go. Maybe I'm a terrible person, or conceited, or scared.
But please, for the love of God, do not leave me behind. Do not forget about me, because the mere thought of you living your life now with me barely in it nauseates me.
I'm over-thinking things. It's not even a definite inevitability yet, and I am ashamed of my petty behavior. Maybe I’m guilty, or just plain obsessive.
But I just love you that much...
...because I'm selfish.