At this moment, she wanted nothing, she needed nothing, she felt nothing
Not sadness, not disgust, not joy, not pleasure
It's like feeling no feeling yet there's really something there
...present inside but just too numb now to know exactly what that is.
She regained things, slowly now, she wanted to cry, she needs to have a reaction of some sort
But the numbness inside prevents her from doing so.
Her head aches, pounding so hard, like a hammer has fallen inside her head and her brain squashed, splattered everywhere, smearing the blackness inside with blood and cold colors of raving red.
She stayed lying on the bed, not so sure what else to do anymore.
She thought of consequences from what she did and came up with all sorts of scenarios called "worst" and painfully heartbreaking.
Her work, her family, her friends, her dreams, her goals...
Wouldn't all of it crumble, now that she has violated her own body?
Wouldn't the heavens punished her for taking pleasure to herself with no one's help but her dirty mind and sexual explorations she felt guilty of, everytime she's alone?
Wouldn't the world full of sins and an environment of growth for evil judged her wrongly for doing what it has always wants?
Wouldn't she be blamed for the misfortunes that may come to people around her because she sexually harrassed herself yet felt so disgusted of herself, too?
She's lying still, looking at the ceiling and wished she can restart her life and clean her mind from dirty thoughts and evil intents to others.
She wished she could but wishes don't always come true.
God forgives and God punishes, so now she lies still, yet again,
"Would I ever be forgiven for being such an imperfect being?"
A question she speaks off aloud yet no one can hear but the Higher Being, the Creator, God, whatever that is called by different creatures of this world.
A question overratedly asked by a lot of people like her. But still she asks.
She thinks the worst because it could happen or it won't.
All the nothing a while back is now something but the exact term for what emotion she's feeling at the moment is not yet found.
Kind and beautiful, inside and out. That is her, as most people she encounter, met and knew tells of her. Smart and friendly, yes, she is. But she looks in the mirror with malice and hate.
"Why are they branding me like that when I am a monster and evil incarnate in reality?"
"Why are they saying such sweet words when I have train of thoughts wanting them dead and suffering?"
"Why are they flattering and praising me when I am no God nor Goddess that shines bright?"
"Why do I ask these questions but feels so conflicted with myself, too, of the choices made and words used?"
"Why..."
Like most of the world's inhabitants, the why's, the how's, the what's, the which's, the who's, the where's... All unending and unanswerable questions remain as such.
She does not know how to continue anymore to make up with the sin she did. She chose to pretend and act like nothing happened.
'cause maybe, everytime she asks for forgiveness and absolution, it feels so repetitive to seem like it losts the sincerity and its meaning.
We make a mistake, we say sorry, we make the same mistake again, we say sorry.
We sin and ask for forgiveness, we sin again and ask for forgiveness.
We are absolved and forgiven.
The cycle repeats again.
She goes with that and now she feels guilty somehow, she discriminates and misjudges other people around her yet she does similar stupidities, mistakes, failures and sins like most of the other people.
Her mind's in a jam, fully packed now but then she ended up not really thinking anymore.
Everything ceases.
She closed her eyes and opened them again.
Picking up a book, she continued reading the story she left a while back.
And the events and happenings in the world outside hers continue to buzzle and grow loud.
Story