I made a story that you might agree with me.
Hope you might like it.
“But, Grandmother Willow, what is my path? How am I ever going to find it?” - Pocahontas
“No matter what happens to me, I’ll always be with you.” - John Smith
“Oh, a dream! Let’s hear all about it.” - Grandmother Willow
We were Ever-evolving, ever-changing. Things never mattered when we're together. When I'm with her things mattered. Even the simplest things. It was like sunshine everyday when I'm with her. Even in my darkest days. Iba yung pakiramdam ko kapag kasama ko siya. (It's different when I'm with her.) While I was caressing her hair. I noticed how she smiled at me. How there is a sudden glow in her eyes. A happiness that I found. Like saying "Thank you for coming into my life. You made it easier for me to breathe."
As we look up the sky lying down on the ground.
Our bodies, then find comfort from each other.
She whispered great things to me.
Which made me smile.
As I stroke her hair gently.
We talked about our future.
How we could have our own coffee table at the balcony.
She smiled and said "I would love that".
But things happened. We fought ever night. Screaming our lungs out. Never bothering if people might hear us. We were ever-evolving, ever-changing. I didn't understand why she acted that way or why she changed. I thought we had that spark. That "You see me, I see you" moment. But it was too much. We can't stand each other. A sudden touch irritates her immediately.
Pocahontas: Why are you upset? Shouldn't I be more upset than you, for what you did? I should be angry at you. It was suppose to be our secret. But I didn't. I didn't invested grudge on you. I even made you look like you were winning, cause you always thought that you were better than anyone else.
Here we go again. This is why I didn't told you in the first place because you'll act like this.
Me: Act?
P: Yes!! You. Being immature.
M: If I haven't caught you this wouldn't happen.
P: Caught? Excuse me?? Are you accusing me of something? You wouldn't accept the fact that things happened. That we fought and we're not together. So let me stop you there. Let me stop you before you make things complicated. Please stop this nonsense now. Stop acting like a child and start acting like your age.
M: But did you know I knew it ahead of you? I noticed that you keep on liking his Instagram post. Every fucking time he poses it. Did you notice how you exchange conversations under the comments section? How you flirt like a peacock? It hurts that you're not doing it to me. It hurts seeing you this happy. It's unfair for me to feel this way. Saan ba ako nagkulang? (Where did I fail?)
P: Is that you're worried about? Liking your every damn post? Well here you go. I'm liking every damn fucking posts you ever made. I even commented on it.
M: That's not the point. You don't get it!
P: So let me understand. Explain it to me. *I was silent* Nothing? Huh. Then everything that you just said has no meaning at all. You know I'm tired of all this shit. I'm tired of you making me do things for you. I'm tired of being your shadow. I don't have time for another bullshit of this. I'm going.
M: Yan. Jan ka magaling. Magwowalk out kapag na naguguluhan na. Galing naman! (There. You're good with that. Walks out if you don't understand. Amazing!) Judge me na lang. Tutal di ka naman makikinig. (Judge me. Cause I know you won't listen.)
P: Diba? Eto na nga ako. Sabihin mo lahat nang hihinakit mo sa akin. Walang paghatol. Makikinig ako. Tutal gusto mo naman may taong makikinig sa'yo. (Right? Here I am. Tell me everything that makes you angry at me. No judgement. I'll listen. After all you want someone to listen to you while bursting your feelings.)
M: Why didn't it work between us? Why can't we be together for a little longer? It was just a couple of months we could reach to 1 year. Why haven't you waited on me?
*As I was patiently waiting for her to say. There was a pause between us*
You were suffocating me. You were thinking ahead of me and planning the future for the both of us. Yes it was nice. But have you ask if that's what I want? I've chosen you along time ago. Now I'm choosing myself for once. And you haven't given me a chance to explain myself for the time I left you. You keep blocking me on your phone and on social medias. So how could I explain when you weren't ready to hear it? Yes I've waited. But it seems that it only took me months to realize what should I wait for. What should I keep on waiting for? You were hurting me emotionally. Giving me low self-esteem.
*There was a tear falling down her face*
So I needed to let you go. Even if it hurts me.
*She wipes it up, putting a strong face*
Did you know I cried every night thinking if I ever made a good decision? Did you think it was that easy to let things slip away? Thinking that the next day I would eventually forgotten about you? How I would sacrifice not talking to you? How I was eager to hear your voice, but all I could hear was your voice mail? I was angry at you. But I wasn't in the position to do that. Did you ever think that my heart wasn't broken too? It seems unfair right? I felt it too. I felt sorry for what we had. You're not the only one who was broken.
*I wasn't able to speak. She was right. She also has the right to be broken. To be angry*
M: But why did you change all of a sudden?
P: I've outgrown you.
Maybe this is the closest thing to closure that I'm looking for.
Don't worry. Kaya ko naman. (I can manage) Maybe at rest. I'll be brave enough.
Thank you for everything.