'I am worth it'; I told myself as I combed my hair with my fingers infront of the bathroom mirror.
But who was I even lying to? When I myself knew I wasn't, because I never was, and I never will be.
It took me just one break up to realize how unworthy I am to be cared, how unworthy I am to be loved. Because I knew deep down I loved and love so deep, so hard, so much. I knew I did nothing wrong. There's nothing I could've done wrong. I knew I kept holding on like pillars hold on to buildings so they wouldn't fall down. I knew I was as strong as piles of bricks, and bridges carrying heavy trucks. But hurricanes came and it kept me from holding on any further. My heart was too weak from loving too much, I couldn't handle a single push from nature's unwanted test of love. I fell, like how the buildings came crashing down as the strong winds hit them, like broken walls and bridges split in two.
But wasn't I strong enough? Or maybe I just couldn't hold on any longer. But shouldn't you be strong too? Shouldn't you be a pillar yourself? A pile of bricks? Shouldn't you be the other end of the bridge? Shouldn't you hold on tighter than I ever can? Shouldn't you?
You should've, you could've but you didn't.
I thought you were my foundation, the most important part of my very own house, building and bridge. I never knew you were hollow until I finished up constructing structures for us, and then failing because you weren't strong enough to be one great base. I never knew you were as weak as the substructures that though how sturdy I may be, it will all still be pointless. And like all buildings on delicate grounds, our love was again, pointless.
It was unrequited, one sided love. After all I have done, still I am not worth it. Not worthy to be loved, not worthy to fight for even. Though you fail at words, I can see your shoulders shrug, and elbows turn, and your body facing the other side. And by that, I say. You didn't love me, and it's something I can never forget, something I chose to always remember.
To the mirror, I looked back, And told myself: 'I am unworthy', and surprisingly, it doesn't feel like a lie. It was the truth. Because I am. I know that I am, and my mirror approves.
The first heartbreak told me I am unworthy, the second made me realized in love, I have no chance. Then it took me another and another and another. Heartbreak after heartbreak. Unloved, unworthy, alone.