It is so cold in New Delhi. This evening I gave up my urge to look good and picked up a scarf to cover my ears. I did not have anything for dinner because the lunch was already too heavy. At around 10:30, I thought I’ll grab a smoke and get on with my ritual of smoking in front of the bathroom mirror. So, I dragged my warm feet out of my blanket. As I was smoking, I found a way to give myself a better kind of ‘hit’. The idea is to keep the smoke in your lungs for more than a second. I was looking at myself in the mirror and I haven’t looked uglier but also cute. My scarf made me look like a kid. I smiled to myself and thought about what I will be discussing with my therapist tomorrow. I thought maybe I will end this year by sending gratitude texts to everyone I met this year; everyone that I had a little something with. And then I realized most of them are people I am not in touch with anymore. I realized maybe that will again mean going overboard with being expressive in front of people who don’t deserve my expression. Jeevan or Tejas or maybe Arnold. And then I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. I was thinking of the Kubler-Ross Grief model. I was thinking of how it starts with denial then anger and the end point is “Acceptance”. I thought maybe acceptance can move onto something more positive. It can progress to a stage where you feel positive about the good things that happened. It takes tremendous amount of guts to even reach the level of acceptance. As I was thinking about this, a sudden wave of hope went through me. I was thinking about how much pain Arnold caused me and if I could really let it go by hanging on to the good bits of it. I looked down and thought about Jeevan, Tejas and Nikhil. Will I be able to reach the point where I dwell more on the good parts and just let it go? Will I be able to think of that night when I was sloshed out of my wits but sober enough to enjoy sex with Tejas? Will I be able to reach a point where I look back at Nikhil and think of this one night when we had gone out at 3 AM to get condoms and were lying on the ground right next to his apartment, gazing at the stars and talking about how he hates birthdays? I was thinking about the times when Arnold really made me happy. That evening when I was on a voice call with him and he was editing my picture. As I smoked, I ensured that with each drag I hold the smoke for two seconds before blowing it out. Isn’t that the whole point? I know the smoke will probably damage my lungs but what is life if we don’t sit with our discomfort for a little while? I know that I had been angry at all these guys for what they did to me and I connected it with the grief process. I had hopes that acceptance is just waiting for me, right there. With some warm hugs and balloons. As I was finishing my cigarette, I resolved that I will attach myself to this thought of dwelling on the good bits. And I was thinking about how I am so judgmental towards myself, for not being able to live up to my motivation. Well, what can I do?
I flushed my cigarette bud and came out of the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and put some lipstick and blush. Now I am an ugly kiddo with a mismatched scarf but kinda dope-looking.