SOUL ENGINE..

I was the goal keeper of my own life .I didnot allow any balls to shake the net and the first goal out of my control was in my 16s .Probably he must be a good striker in the play ground and in the ground of my life.That was the first time I experienced something I didnot experienced before.A start of the real adrenaline rise ...Days..weeks..months..everytime I see the player my ground was filled with the festivity of a world cup grand finale
.
That was the time i could differentiate fantasy from love .The heart was the main part i couldnt control ..throbbing like the beats of drums in our Thrissur pooram( *a festival in
Kerala) .Months past..years ran i was the controller again more i controlled more it shook the net.Unknowingly while i watch the rain ..memories wet my heart.Most important part of my education period higher secondaries ,entrance preps for graduation spoiled for some reasons.How i faced my parents for these spoils keeping in the corner of my mind  your reason covered with a thick cover was so adventourous .They could blame me for being lazy only and they didnt know this actual reasons.These feelings carved my efficiency ,my talents..The feeling i say about is not love but whther he has the same feeling; is this illusion; is it true .. Sometimes i got mad and stop all those but more and more i struggle to forget ,more it came back with greater strength.
Couldnt tolerate any more...
Honestly the only thing i learned in this life is to pray everyday without fail..And thats the only thing in the treasure of my life and hasnt earned anything .Keeping a respect to that me ,i am afraid..i strongly believe that God  has fixed somebody for everyone,if my Adam is someone else not the player ,the Eve in me will struggle to love him.Comforting me sometimes is like this way but i can see the men in others and not a soul. Iam not in love with what he had  what he looks but madly in love with his soul.Its still a secret between me and my God .And I ask him always to let the feelings out.
How beautifully described in the book of Prophet Muhammad's(Sas) Lord..THE TWO SEAS THAT MEET ONE FRESH AND OTHER SALT BUT THEY DIDNT MIX..................My life and my  mind analogued so..my mind which was freshly brimmed met the salty tears of life...Yes they met but they didn't mix...
When i look in mirror or i see him i got confused whether i love him.And a person outside can say iam average for him whether in looks or in knowledge.
I take all the blame of getting up in this situation .My mind ,my environment cooked up all these.I still dont know how he feels. His only contribution was encouraging me a lot,and making me feel extraordinary which never ever in my life has anyone said.And that was the point where i ended up in troubles because i was over excited and i had a feeling i am something which i was not.Neither me  nor he had a private talk..no calls no chats in these four years.I haven't told him my feelings because i love his family so much . Everyone clearly knows i dont deserve him ...for the respect to his father and mother the friendship with his sister i keep it a secret ...its because i dont want to hurt any one ..iam already hurt..This very thing called love is so hurting .
The only message i wanna say him " Man i just hate you but madly in love with your soul why did you made me feel so special? and i dont wanna hurt you in case i say my feelings and if you didn't feel the same. if i have a chance i would ask will you be my partner in the eternal heaven? "
This ink is spilt prior to the start of my under graduations.And I need some power to boost up all I lost and the courage to face all i am going to.After my graduation as a computer engineer i will design a  soul engine to find the meanings for all these stuffs and ways to tuck him out of my heart😶.