Space.

“I warned you to keep your hands to yourself. Now look what’s happened” I forcibly whispered at my boyfriend Fabio, trying to not interrupt his little sisters dance recital. I watched her fly across the stage in her little pink tutu with the force of a hurricane, Samoa was a hurricane all her own up on that stage, Fabio just stared at her intensely, pretending he couldn’t hear or see anything else. When it came to Samoa there really was nothing else in his eyes, she was his whole life, his whole world and up until this moment I had fit in somewhere, torn apart and stuffed violently in cracks and crannies that she didn’t fill. But there was no room for this baby, there was no room for us, his life in that moment altered and became so much smaller. He stands up as the music stops, claps loudly with the rest of the crowd beaming at the little girl standing front and center on that stage. He turns to go and meet her, not even shooting me a backwards glance. The ride home is quiet, all you can hear is Samoa snoring gently in the back seat. Fabio still hasn’t said a word to me, his knuckles hugging the steering wheel so tightly they have gone from grizzly bear brown to polar bear white. His black button eyes staring straight ahead but it feels like he isn’t really seeing the road. He isn’t seeing anything with his dark button eyes. I decide to try and dose off too just to escape his silence. But the silence has replaced all the oxygen in this old beaten up Volkswagen, I am just another old beaten up kid. Fabio turns the car off and jumps out to carry Samoa inside. “Stay right here Anna, I’ll be right back out.” Samoa looks even tinier in her big brothers arms, she also looks really dead, she must be out hard. Fabio comes back to the car about two minutes later and climbs in. “Where are we going babe?” I ask, trying not to notice how dark his eyes have gotten, trying to not notice every time he swerves into the other lane. “We’re going to our spot Anna, we’re gonna have a baby, I bet he’ll look just like me.” His voice sounds hopeful, but it still doesn’t sound like him. The rain came down on us hard, he grabs his leather jacket out of the backseat and throws it around my shoulders, it looks like I am wearing a trash bag. He grabs my shoulders a little too tightly, but I am used to that by now, I am used to him being a little too rough. “Don’t touch that fucking door babe.” He says as he moves to open his. I watch him run around the front of the car to open the door for me. The bridge looks the same as always although I swear the stars are too dim, too many lights in the city are out, his eyes are too dark, but it’s probably just the rain. We sit on the edge of the bridge like we always do. He starts talking about our family and how excited he is to really be a dad. “We need a bigger house.” “Why, yours has three rooms, one for us, one for Samoa, and one for him” I say pointing towards my belly button, I choose to humor his idea of us raising our son together. “I guess the house could work, what about your parents, how do they feel about you having my baby?” He asks throwing rocks as far as he can into the air over the edge of the bridge, he and my folks have never been on the best terms, but to be fair neither have I. “They won’t mind where I end up.” I say, which isn’t a lie. He laughs, the first time I have seen him laugh in a while. It almost seems real. But nothing about Fabio and I is real. I move in closer to him and as he moves to hold me, I shove him and he falls, his eyes widen as he realizes that I can also be a little ‘too rough’. It only takes a few seconds to hear the splash, and he was gone. I ran back to the car as fast as I could, I will not be raising the kids with him. I speed back home and Samoa is waiting there for me in the dark, her bags already packed. She’s still dressed in her recital outfit although she has added a sweater, one her brother gave her. I have already emptied my parents bank accounts, and Fabio’s car will get us far enough before we have to ditch it. It should be a couple days before any one of them is reported missing. See sometimes there just isn't enough space, and sometimes people get tired of being torn up and stuffed anywhere that isn’t occupied. There just wasn’t enough space for everyone, so I made some, and it only cost me three. I know me, my son, and my “daughter” are worth it. I hope Fabio has learned to keep his hands to himself.