Light thinks it travels faster than anything but it is wrong. No matter how fast light travels, it finds the darkness has always got there first, and is waiting for it.
~Terry Pratchett
Have you ever wanted to let it out? Sit down and let it all out. The void, the darkness, the screeching hollow that sits deep inside of you. I don’t mean in a well-lit room with a cup of coffee and some obscure painting on the wall settled on an over-sized couch opposite a therapist or counselor. I mean let it all out to another human. Preferably someone you know so that they could see you live with the blackness and pain and grief day in and day out as you go about your usual day. I don’t mean pour your heart out to a dear friend or a trusted confidante, just someone who exists around you, is a part of your life, and sees you go through the mundane routine each day as the sun sets and the moon takes its place.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful, relaxing, freeing, if somebody knew? I think it would be. I think it would be rewarding in ways you couldn’t even dare wonder or fathom. Wouldn’t it be splendid if someone could see you for who you truly were? I think it would be easier to breathe then, to break down, to cry, to falter and fail, if somebody other than you knew the gigantic heap of misery and numbness you sat atop and saw the world from.
Funny, for me to feel and think this way. Maybe it is a momentary sentiment. Fleeting. Maybe I am feeling this way and thinking these things because I am home alone right now. There is nobody around. The night is upon me, I am done with chores for the day, dinner has been relished and the kitchen has been cleaned out to be used furiously for yet another day. And as I walk from one empty room to another, floating around this space as if I was a ghost who could move through walls, I wonder how comforting it would be if someone could see me for who I am-- the morbid me, the evil me.
Don’t get me wrong; I know we are all an unbalanced mix. Each one of us an odd concoction of hope and mortality, dreams and restlessness, love and hate. But I...I think more than anything I am a stellar actor who has everybody around them fooled. Or so I like to believe. It is easy to set yourself up to be the grand master at illusion as it is to set yourself down for being the worst human being alive. I say what I am best is an actor because I am constantly working on building and tearing down a façade. Maybe I am what they call a contradictory paradox. Or maybe I am just another silly soul who thinks they are complex and difficult beyond no measure, someone who no other soul could truly unravel.
I think some of it is just poor coping mechanism. Some of it plain and simple narcissism. And some of it a misplaced God complex. I am to be thy savior but also destroyer. I am to douse you in affection but also drown you in apathy. I am to pleasantly surprise and amaze you but also shock and disappoint. And for reasons which are indescribable to me too, I believe I am better suited and equipped to destroy, drown and disappoint. No, this is isn’t self-loathing. Neither is it self-sabotage. It is, currently, my perception of self, my (maybe biased) truth.
But it would be refreshing, right? To have someone to traverse this twisted, selfish and stupid world with? Who knows, I haven’t experienced that yet, but I would like to believe I would be welcoming of it if it ever came my way. To bare my idiosyncrasies, kinks, unhealthy habits, questionable thoughts, blank dreams, deafening howls and insufferable quietness to another human.
What do you think? Have you found someone to be your worst self around with?