Part One
Late June ,2014
I always listen to music while drawing ,it makes me concentrate and help me get into a stage of comfort and peace. I loved that feeling it gave me ,it made me feel high ,even though I've never been stoned before -or even smoke a cigarette - I liked that that feeling of relief that this combination of drawing and listening to music gave my soul ,they resembled a routine of cleansing to my soul ,that always made me able to survive my days through the boring days of summer .
At this time I was listening to Sleeping at last's album Atlas ,and as I was getting that relief while my hand is drawing the hair of a female model I saw on tumblr, my mobile-phone rang all of a sudden ,cutting my concentration and disturbing my hand which made me mess my drawing. I looked to see who's calling but I didn't recognize the number. I answered right away to stop its loud ringing .
- " Hello " I answered.
- " Hello, it's Maged. Is Ahmed here ? I need to speak with him ". The Guy on the line answered nervously and quickly.
- " Yes .Speaking .What's going on ?? " I asked him wondering about the reason of this strange call from my colleague that did not contain HOW ARE YOU ? or anything normal.
- "Did Ahmed Maher talk to you about his problem? " he asked.
- "What problem? We haven't talk for five month, so I don't think that I know anything" I answered and my mind was like WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
-"Then he'll call you soon. Bye" he answered so fast and hung up on me I didn't even have the chance to say bye back.
Then my mind started to think of its usual worst thing scenario and I shouted "OH MY GOD" with panic ,my were eyes wide open like my mouth and my mind started saying inside SHIT continuously, then I started asking myself ."Did his father knew he was gay? .Did he knew that we had a secret relationship for more than six years? Did his father kick him out ? Am I in trouble now?" I started to think about all the consequences that could happen if someone gay came out to his family or them finding out about him. Just imagine how the response would be like in a the second most homophobic country in the world where only five percent of its population accepts homosexuality, I bet that ninety-nine of this five percent is homosexual if it wasn't hundred percent.
"Shit ,it's gonna be a scandal and I'm gonna be in deep shit, I'm gonna get killed, I'm gonna get thrown by stones till death" I talked to my self with a lower tone .I picked up my mobile-phone then I tried to call Maher as I used to call him, we had the same first names ,so used to call each other with last names.
"The mobile-phone you've called is unavailable" A lady said that and I didn't let her finish what she was saying ,I tried many times and it was the same answer. I started cursing Maher and I kept complaining about how stupid he is because it's not a time to switch his phone off if he really wanted to call me.
To stop my panic attack ,I called my best friend Yuri from the boarding school I got a scholarship in, who was the first person I came out of the closet to as gay and he came out to me as bisexual later.
-"Hello .... Yuri ,I'm in a really deep shit" I said nervously as my heart already had started to beat like It was racing in a Steeplechase.
-"WOO Man. Slow down. Firstly hi, what's wrong?? " He asked and I told him about that strange call and about my suspicions.
-"You're just scared as usual. Stop worrying and wait for his call .I'm sure it's nothing and you'll be fine" he said trying to calm me down.
"I said then why the hell is he switching his phone off ? RIGHT NOW?" I said to him then I noticed that my bedroom's door was open ,I hurried to close it then I said to him I try to call him and if there was something I'll call you ,bye" I said to him as he said bye to me. I tried to call Maher again and his phone still was switched off.
I started to have flashbacks of the moments we had together ,the first time we me ,the dates we had and every fight we had . Suddenly my mobile phone rang again all of a sudden and immediately towards it to answer as I didn't even care who's calling ,I wanted it be Maher, and it was his voice.
-"Ha......Hello ,is it you .... Ahmed? ..... How are you?" he asked me -surprisingly with my first name- stammering as he was speaking for the first time since he broke up with me.
-"Yes .I'm fine ,what's going on ? What did you need to talk with me about?" I asked him ,answering with all the hate and the longing on the planet at the same moment to hear his deep voice again.
-"Do you have any anything important tomorrow? " He asked .
-"I don't know ? Why?" Confused I was as I answered him.
-"I'm having a make up exam for English and I need you to come with me to help me pass" he answered me while my mind was like ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? Is that what you really wanted to tell me after all the silence in the few past month . I can't really describe how bad I really wanted to hang up the phone on him at that moment, - not surprisingly - I didn't.
For a moment I thought about it as I took a deep breath to calm myself down then I answered "What time is it gonna be exactly because I might be having something tomorrow morning" I told him that as I already know that this kind for exams always starts at 9 a.m to make lose hope of me going with him.
Desperately he answered just like I expected and asked me if I could move my engagements to another date and go with him. "Let me check that out and I'll call you back ... Okay ?" and then I hanged up before he could answer me .I looked in my phone in All Calls list to call Yuri to ask him what should I do.
-"So what happened ?" Yuri asked and I told him about Maher's Call then he said "Don not tell me that you're going to be with him tomorrow ?".
-"I'm not that stupid to do such thing .... I told him that I'll call him back to let him know if I'm free and I really don't ......" then an idea came to me and I laughed wickedly while Yuri was confusingly asking me what's going on with me, "Oh my God ,I just had an idea .How about not calling him back and if he did call me I won't answer him "I said with gloating tone in my voice as I was thinking of letting him pay back for breaking my heart.
-"Are you really gonna do something like that ?? Because I know you, and I don't think that you could do it." He answered with confidence that shock my pride and my confidence for a second and me wonder "Am I really gonna do it "and I said to him not to worry about that, we hung up and I went back to my drawing to let time pass as long as it can pass and to forget about the call for while to clear my head for the nostalgia I was having for Maher .I was hoping that the more I let him wait for my call ,the more he'll worry and the more he'll realize what he lost me forever when he decided to break up with me.
Again it was my mobile phone -I never imagined that I would hate it -that was ringing next to my colored Faber Castle pencils which were scattered all over my desk around my canson sketch that Yuri gave me ,it was Maher and I did the most expected thing of all time since expecting that Egypt wasn't gonna be in the World Cup .I answered him ,right away. God I was so mad at my self that I didn't let him wait for even ten seconds. I told him I won't be able to be with him and he should find someone else to be with him and help him. I felt the sadness and desperation in his voice as he was finishing the call with me ,I know that he must have been so desperate to call me about this thing ,or he could be just as selfish as he has ever been and not even aware that what he was doing should be that hard on him.
I shock my head in a desperate try to let all these thoughts escape my head ,I grabbed my headphones and I went with my mobile to the balcony .I put the headphones in my ear and I clicked on play in the mp3 and it was Gods and monsters song of Lana Del Rey and I sang with her with very low tone feeling thankful that I'm still safe and deeply brokenhearted
"No one's gonna take my soul away
I'm living like Jim Morrison
Headed towards a fucked up holiday
Motel sprees sprees and I'm singing
'Fuck yeah give it to me this is heaven, what I truly Want'
It's innocence lost
Innocence lost"