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UNSAID LETTER TO LOVE OF LIFE
A vent of emotions , an ocean of mixed feelings.Tea vendors ,sandwiches , chips were moving to and fro.As i sat at the window pane of Pune Ernakulum express , my eyes gazed at a group of 3 students sitting on a bench at panvel station . My memories started racing faster than the wheels of train .The hooting of the train continued , so did my mind.
Time and again , life had amazed me. With the twists and turns , unexpected people , i had always felt life was a roller coster!! But till now , one concept of love never seemed within my "understanding zone" . Like every teenager , it always bothered me what love is .The overhyped LOVE , feeling of togetherness , all made me sit and think most of the time "what does it feel to be in love".But then it happened .The angel of love finally came to me. He was tall .He wore a spectacles .He had eyes which were an ocean of emotions .He rarey talked.Here and there , there used to be a smile. He was serious most of the times.Sometimes naughty , sometimes angry.When i think back i cant exactly remeber what i liked about him.Was it those eyes that made me fall for him!!Was it the way he fought with me. From a stranger , he had already become a friend.Probably more than a friend.
I used to be wierd .Very talkative , very bubbly , impulsive.In my school days, i was someone like "ANTIPYAAR "person.I would always think how could someone like someone else more than themselves.The genuineness of love touched me when i met this guy and little did i know that my perspective of love would change forever.
It wasnt crush , it was not infactuation.It was not that feeling which could be forgotten.It was more than those teenage crushes and dating.It was true , It was pure.It was that kind of pure feeling that probably one person could feel for another person only once in their lifetime.And I had felt it.My eyes would start dreaming the minute i think of him .My lips would smile the moment i thought about him.I had a vast ,everending love for him which could be expresssed in no words.Like the love for him would never end at all.Like nothing in this world mattered more than his happiness. Like i could get stars and moon to make him smile.
DREAMS ! HOPES!!HAPPINESS...the ones that would come when i was asleep and those when awake.The one that would haunt me in the night and make me smile during the day.A kind of serene feeling that had no words to express.It was there deep in my heart!! With every beat echoed his name.
But they say true love is like santha claus .Everyone says he will come , but only the lucky ones actually get him.This was my christmas.And i was there waiting for my santa claus.My tired life needed a partner .My broken heart longed for love.After years , i had paid attention to myself.I was sick and tired of the life i was leading . Compromises , planners ,diaries this is what i was.I was in the irony of disliking hypocrites and being one myself.The outside world knew me as a happy go, carefree person, but in reality , i was getting torn apart.The valcano of emotions that were buried inside me needed to come out.All they needed was a lovely soul whom i could confine in.This is when i felt the need of true love.
Finally from a beautiful dreamalnd i was introduced to the harsh realities of life.The fairy tale i was living in all these days didnt have a prince . THere was a princess and love,the prince was never there .I didnt know what he felt .I still dont know what he feels .The silence was never broken .The feelings were never conyeved.I wasnt accepted , nor was i rejected. Being in between was the difficult part.I was annoyed , I was frustrated and this started showing up.Like the cycle of life was reversed. From best friend , to a friend and finally to a stranger.
This letter is to the guy i love the most!! to the best thing that happened to me.
To the guy i love the most,
Not everything in life has a reason.There was no reason why i met you and there is no reason why imnt with you.All i had for you was loads of love, care and a small wish to lead a life with you.Even if the journey was long , the walk would be memorable , just because its you.Sometimes we need to give up not because you dont need it , but because no matter how much u want it , it is never going to get true.You are like a star in the sky and i am gazing it.There couldnt be hope in my eyes. Stars are always high up in the sky , out of reach and there you are!!Inspiring me!!
There was always a couple of things i wanted to tell you!!The things i could never tell you
I never said you that,
everytime you smiled , i used to be happy.
Every joy of yours was my source of celebration.
I never said you that,
every small moment spent with you is memorable.
i remember every small detail from shoes to color of the shirt you wore.Those beautifu moments have taken form of a treasured memory that runs at the back of my mind everytime i feel low.
I never said you that,
holding your hand was the most romantic moment for me.I feel warmth, i feel togtherness , i feel assurance.
i never said you that,
in every step of life , you were my inspiration
I never said you that,
noone can ever take that place in my heart where you resided
i never said you that,
even now when i get scared at night, i think of you and sleep.
I never said you that,
its your smile that makes me go forward in life and achieve things.
I never said you that,
the times i spent with you are the happiest moment of my life and i cherish them , love them , recall them and i cry to them and most importantly i preserve them!!
i never said you that,
you are the guy i loved the most and always wanted to be with you forever!!
yours lovingly
your bacha
Now as i write this letter , i have tears in my eyes , my breath is heavy and there is emptiness in my heart.THere is a ting of sadness, there is anxiety and yet again there is a serene feeling.Not every realationship in life is "they lived happily ever after kind".There are tears , there are heartbreaks!!There is seperation.
The angel of love came to me!!
but did she stay??
NO!!
but do angels return empty handed???
of course not!!
It taught me a lesson for life.My perspective of love changed forever.I no longer see it as a fancy , overhyped feeling but rather a beautiful one that happens just once in life. And it had happened to me.
Overcoming the pain of not being with him , it made me a new person .
I dont resent it, i dont curse it!!
I feel more matured and strong now.
Everyone loses something in life!! We all do.
IN my case it was my first love.
Does it hurt? , like hell!!
but does life end there? , of course not!
Life is not always about getting everything what you want.It is not always about living in a castle with your prince!!It is about facing adversity , struggling through it and then succeed.It is not that i could forget him
Till this day , he remains my inspiration!!
Till this day , my heart skips a beat when i hear his name!
Till this day, i smile sometimes thinking about him!
but i havent stayed in the past.
i have moved on for a better life.
i ha ve dreams ,i have ambitions, i still have love for all around me.
I believe that a beautiful life awaits me!!
THE hot cup of coffee in my hand had already become cold.The train was still hooting!! Tea vendors, sandwiches , coffes were still all around me and i had the unsaid letter in my hand.
They say" hope" is the soul of life.As the train hooted through the dark valleys of mumbai, i felt a" ray of hope" coming to me.Somewhere in the deep chambers of my heart, i felt myself hoping that he would read this letter .I smiled !!!
Rachan C Hegde