WITH ALL MY HEART…
To my lovely Rosy,
It has been a while since I last wrote you a letter and I know you may be worrying about me. But what to do my love, the conditions over here were not at all apt to sit down peacefully and write a letter to you. How are you my dear? Hope everything’s going well. Has our little Johnny started to walk? How big has he become? I could barely hold him in my arms before leaving, a week after his birth. I couldn’t even properly see him growing. Does he ask about his Papa? How are Achachan and Ammachi? Are they having all their medicines properly? In your last letter you had written about Achachan’s stroke. I am sorry I couldn’t come. You must have struggled a lot with all these. I wish I could be there to support you. But the present conditions do not allow me to take a vacation. Over the past 3-4 months there have been a number of attacks across the border. We lost many of our men. The General has ordered all the troops to be ready in case of any emergencies. We have been taking turns to watch over our tents. It is snowing heavily and often three blankets are not enough to stay warm. During my turns to keep watch, I do a simple technique to stay warm. Do you know what it is? I think of you my love. Don’t think I’m trying to flirt with you; we are past the age to flirt. When I think of you, my heart is filled with warmth that no blankets can offer. Your smile touches me as a ray of hope, giving me ample strength to move on. You see, it is not easy to live here. There is always a tension around as to when any unexpected attack would be carried out. The limited stock of ammunition, food and other medical requirements makes life harder. When your friends die near you, you freeze your heart and tears and carry on the mission. But towards the end of the day, when you see their lifeless bodies, your heart turns heavy with grief. There is a lot of violence going on around here and in the midst of all these; you are my source of hope that sustains me. I remember the day when I saw you for the first time. You were coming down the stairs after the services at church with your friends. I couldn’t take my eyes off you. When you realized I was staring at you, you smiled shyly and walked away. That was the moment when I realized that you were the one with whom I was destined to live my life. Being an army officer often earned me respect. But I also had to face denial, especially in front of your parents who feared for their daughter’s life. Still you remained adamant and here we are. You have been more than a wife to me, my friend, my supporter, my life. I still remember the day after our marriage, when I was called back for duty. You were crying, but when I came near you, you brushed away the tears and put up a smile on your face. You knew I wouldn’t have the strength to leave you. With your smile you gave me strength. Each time when I go back after my holidays, you try hard not to break down. You have been a great support to my parents and have even tried to play my role. I have often wondered why you decided to spend your life with me in spite all these difficulties. But then I think of the sincerity that you have shown to me and our love and I realize that you mean more to me than my life. It is true. You are the light in my darkness, my hope in despair and I miss you terribly. Sorry, I am deviating from what I actually wanted to tell you. It’s always like this when I talk to you Rosy. I have something serious to tell you. I have been diagnosed with T.B. What started to be as an ordinary fever seems to have taken its most advanced form. For the past few days I have been restrained to my bed. It is with great difficulty that I am writing this letter. I wish I could tell you there is nothing to worry. But that would be a lie. I feel completely drained. Death has never frightened me before, but now I am filled with fear, plain, raw, cruel fear. I wish to be near you and watch our little Johnny play. I want to tell him how much his Papa loves him. I want to hold you in my arms and tell how much I love you. I want to tell that I will be there for you, to take care of you and you will have nothing to worry. But right now I am incapable of anything. I am sorry for not being the husband of your dreams. I am sorry for not being there for our little Johnny. I am sorry to leave you in distress. I really hope and pray to God that this won’t be my farewell letter and I would soon be able to see you and with you the rest of my life. Dear Rosy, I have always loved you with all my heart and you are the one in my mind when I close my eyes. I love you.
Hoping to be with you,
Your loving husband
Jacob.