SUBMISSIONS: An Engineering Ordeal

DISCLAIMER : NO CHARACTER, SUBJECT OR PLACE MENTIONED IN THIS RESEMBLES ANY REAL TIME PERSON, SUBJECT OR PLACE. THIS PIECE OF WRITING WAS MEANT ONLY FOR A COMICAL RELIEF AND NO OFFENCE WAS MEANT ON PURPOSE, FOR IF SOME ONE DOES GET HURT FOR NO APPARENT REASON. A LOT OF CUSS WORDS HAVE BEEN USED, BUT COME ON, GROW UP. TAKE IT LIGHT! :P

Author's notes : Guys, this is just something I wrote out of feelings for my current state of affairs. I am not going to edit this really (it may have a lot of typos and errors) :P it is a one time read. I hope it is enjoyable up to some level, and if not, really, move on :P Not one of my best pieces. But still something I wrote to relax my mind.

Love to all and peace.

Author's notes continued: This, I had written back in 2014 and it feels like it has been ages now. But I thought, why not? Even though it may have been replaced by new kinds of ordeals for me, but someone out there is still going through what I went through back then. So the sole purpose of this is to put a smile on the reader's face, whether they are going through it or have been through it and are looking back like I am today, finding it all so funny :P 

It has been long, since the last update on my engineering life, and putting up a facebook status, wouldn't have sufficed my yearning to express what I am really feeling. At this moment.

Sruti Sajith, this one is definitely dedicated to you. Being a steadfast follower of your blog, I have to declare you as one of my inspirations. But being a fellow ex-PACE-ian and an ENTC engineer as well, I think we have more in common in the way we think, than you have perhaps realised. I therefore definitely want you to be the first one to read this.

And Pathikrit Banerjee. You know very well you will be tagged in whatever I post. There is no explanation to that. Mere acceptance will perhaps ease the intriguing question of “why this girl bugs me for no apparent reason, every bloody time?”

I know you don't mind. :P

The other day, I was running from the second floor to the ground floor, back to the second floor, to again back to the ground floor, and so on. I must have done it for minimum four times, that very hour. I wasn't the only one doing that.

You see, submissions were on . . .

And I was supposed to get this huge-ass (don't mind the language-or else I would have difficulty expressing my feelings, and thus the point of this note will be missed) assignment of 30 questions to get checked by my subject teacher, before I could get my file submitted to the lab teacher.

Okay so for reference, I am going to call the subject BS, standing for Bull-S***.

Anyway, call it my carelessness, everyone from my class had gotten their assignment checked the previous day, and I didn't have an inkling of the situation till an hour before. The point remains, whenever it is submission time, I tell you, DO NOT leave sight of your classmates, nor of your respective teachers. Go wherever they go and do whatever they do. Just stay in a group if you want your submissions done on time and with relative ease.

But I had slipped, and hence I had to pay the price. I was sitting in the BS lab, my roll number about to be called for file checking, when I saw my batch mate's file. She had assignment Jack-Ass neatly attached on the top, and with the force of a bang, I remembered what I had forgotten.

“Arre yaar! Ab kya? Assignment nai check karaya be!” I exclaimed amidst my surprised batch mates who were all busy, immersed in their own files.

(I haven't gotten the assignment checked!)

Akshay looked up. “Where were you when we got it checked yesterday at 3:30?”

I looked at Aditi who looked concerned. I could see pity in her eyes for me.

“Abbe yaar! When did that guy announce?” was my question.

“In class, the day before yesterday.” said Aditi. “Don't worry, just go find Orangutan sir (subject teacher) and get the assignment checked first.”

“Arre why don't you tell gorilla-sir (the lab teacher) ki your assignment is checked but you forgot to bring it? Just be convincing. You should have that look on your face.” Akshay advised.

“Yeah you are right, the time has come to use the look.” I agreed in a solemn manner. Seriously, finally it was the time.

“Roll number 5!” Gorilla called out.

“Okay yaar I will try, aur kya karun. Wish me luck.” I said before going. Inside, I was already building up my energy forces to summon and unleash the power of 'The LOOK'.

I went with my file.

“Complete hai na?” Gorilla asked. (Is it completed?) 

“Yes sir absolutely sir.”

“Kidhar? Conclusion kidhar hai 2(b) ka? Aur 5(a) ka bhi? This is not complete.” he said. 

(Where? Where is the conclusion for 2(b) and 5(a)? This is not complete.) 

“Oh! Sorry sir! I will put up the conclusions right away!” I said.

“Acchha thik hai. Baaki checked hai na?”

(Alright then. Rest everything is checked, right?) 

“Yes sir. Absolutely.”

Gorilla shuffled through my file. “Hmm . . . baraabar toh hai. Index batao.”

I was tethered to the edges. Could I seriously get that lucky? Finally the door of fortune and immense joy has opened at the time of my utter need? I shuffled out the index page.

Gorilla kept on staring at it as I handed him the index page. He looked at it inquisitively, scratching his head twice or thrice in the process. He felt there was something missing. I was holding my breath and biting my lips.

Gorilla picked up his pen to sign the page, the final call to any submission, after which, all your pains cease. He was about to sign it. There was a negligible gap between the pen and that.

And that was the time that was chosen by some other dumb-ass student who came running up to say, “Sir my Jack-ass! Aap check karna bhool gaye!”

(You forgot to check my Jack-Ass-which refers to the assignment) 

“Oh!” Gorilla exclaimed. The student showed the sign on his jack-ass. Gorilla approved before turning his eyes on me.

All I did was scream out a loud NOOOOOOOOOOO inside.

SO CLOSE.

“AHAH! Tumhara assignment kahaan hai?” Gorilla asked with triumph. 

(Where is YOUR assignment? Bwhahahahha!) 

He finally figured out what was missing. “No assignment, no submission!” he said with a relish and a colgate smile, as he handed me back the unsigned index page. (It was very disturbing to see gorilla flash his teeth. For reasons untold)

But after a moment's thinking, I figured conditions could still be restored. It was time for my last resort, for which I was preparing mentally side by side, all this time.

I conjured up the most pitiable look and picked my words carefully,

“Sir vo kya hai ki, mera assignment ghar pe reh gaya. Maine check karaa toh liya hai par sir, aap ye sign kardo, mai apko vo laake deti hun. Turanth.”

(Excuses excuses. Okay so basically I was like, I forgot my assignment at home but I had gotten it checked earlier so please just sign this and I will bring it later for you to verify) 

Gorilla was on cloud nine (drunk on vodka), as he cackled and repeated, “Muahahaha no assignment no submission!”

No matter how many times I pleaded and made the most pitiable of faces, Gorilla was not to be shaken from his stance. The whole class was watching with great interest, at the only doomed student.

And in the end, I had no choice but to set out for Orangutan, with my 17 pages long jack-ass assignment.

With the minimal luck I had left, I found Orangutan in the corridor outside.

“Sir, excuse me sir.” I ran after him. He kept walking, pretending not to look. I kept following. It was like stalking a wild animal, and I had to take care not to aggravate it, else it would either run, or shoo me away.

Another analogy could be that of a super-famous film star and the poor reporter.

After stalking him for five minutes, the way you would stalk your bae, did he finally deign to listen to me and I thanked my stars humbly.

“Kya hua?” he asked. (What -_- )

“Sir vo, jack ass check karana tha.” I said.

(Sir, wanted to get my jack-ass checked) 

“Arre? Vo toh kal hua tha na check? Tum kahaan the?” he asked.

(Where were you when I checked it for everyone) 

“Sir vo, doctor ke paas jaana tha toh isiliye aa nai payi.” I forged my tale.

(You can guess from the "Doctor" where the tale was going) 

“Acchaa, tumhara doctor kidhar baith ta hai?” he asked, reminding me of a wannabe-detective.

(Where does your doctor sit?)

“Sir Deenanath hospital near camp. Kal he jaana tha sir, blood test hua tha toh uske report ka kal last date tha aur doctor bas kal hee baith ta hai.” I ranted. (Doctor-doctor . . . the excuse went long . . .)

“Hmmm...” Orangutan said in a not-so satisfied manner. But years of practice has made me adept at my story telling. No one can question my tales.

“Achhaa chalo cabin mein. Dekhna bhi toh hai tumne saare 30 questions kiye hain ya nai.” he mocked. (Let's see if you have done all the questions of the jack-ass)

And so I marched after Orangutan, all the way to the ground floor.

In the cabin, the ape went through my assignment. Actually he had just started going though, when he came to page no. 2. It had question number 16 on it. This question consisted of some terms that we had to explain.

“Hmmm . . . acchha toh points dikh rahe hain tumhe?” he asked me, after scanning every millimetre of the page. (You see the points that you've written for this answer?)

“Han ji, dikh rahe hain sir” I said. (Yea . . . duh . . . )

“Hmm... toh kitne explain karne bola hai?” he asked. (How many have been asked for this question?)

“four points.” I said.

“Aur tumne kitne kiye?” (And you've written . . .?)

I went through it. Dang it, this ape was definitely going to hell, according to christianity, or narak, according to hinduism.

I had written down the explanations to three out of the four points/terms that were asked. Each explanation was worth a page. This half baked ape was pure evil.

Sure enough he had that symbolic evil smile etched upon his face.

“Toh pataa hai na? Poore questions nahi, toh no signature.” he said gleefully.

(Basically won't sign it if the questions haven't been answered properly)

 My expression got darker as I turned away to write down that one thing that I had missed. I had to march back to the lab to get it done.

This went on for four times. The whole lab was almost empty except for three or four more students who were left with checking. My friend aishwarya, had her own troubles. She had apparently misplaced one of the programs and now she was trying to hunt down the original soft copy. Aditi and Akshay were giving me moral support.

“Okay so he noticed this one too? What the hell! I had written only ten out of 30 questions! He checked mine without seeing!” Akshay exclaimed. I knew he was trying to help me out, but clearly this was the last thing I wanted to hear. You see Akshay is this scholar-student and so every teacher liked him. So is Aditi. Still, they are great friends to have, and were of great help at the time of need and I am thankful. Engineering does teach you to be more united with your fellow-mates.

But frankly, for people like me, favouritism was an option not applied.

So the whole chakra of going up getting down continued till finally Orangutan thought he had put me through enough exercise, because after all, my calories did matter to him, for some weird reason.

“Dekha, kaam pehle karte toh aaj ye nai bhugatna padta.” he chuckled.

“Han sir, sahi bola.” I said in a venom inflicted voice. “Bilkul sahi bola.” I added some extra sugar. (basically "pravachan" as the indian-saying goes. Should have completed everything before) 

In my mind the complete sentence I wished to deliver, flashed as follows, “Bilkul sahi bola you *****.You evil person you ARE going to hell saale! Arre! Even my mother in law won't trouble me in the next ten years of my marriage, the way you have done it in a day!”

But that happiness you get, when things get done during submissions, is something you cherish. And finally, the index page gets submitted, and that is when you come out of the lab yelling YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!! ONE MORE DOWN BITCHES!

Well, I lived the moment, while gorilla was disappointed as he finally had to sign up my index. He did so in the most sullen fashion.

Well, it was just one battle that we, as a united batch had won, but five more were still left to go. And the whole war is still waging on.

But in all my engineering life up till now, submissions-time, I am compelled to agree, is like a tapasya, and the happiness and peace achieved at the very end, calls for a celebration at the pub with bottles of beer. #MainstreamEngineeringCelebrations

And the teerth yatra from the ground floor to the second floor was-frankly no happiness or of greater meaning. It just almost broke my legs. I Wish I could sue them one day for this.