I woke up with a headache in the morning. I had a text from Mr. Noah asking me to fix the date for our next big meeting. A voice message from Jade asking me about my general self. A few emails from colleagues about regular work and an e-invite to attend my secretary’s sister’s kid’s tenth birthday party. I sighed. Showing up at the office felt appalling, and after all these messages I did not even wish to make an effort. I decided to stay in and work from home; something I had been doing often now each month. I always got everything done in time, didn’t have to bother about laundry and saved money on fuel. I was happy and no one at the office was complaining. I fixed my meeting with Noah for next Wednesday over lunch at Bill’s Kitchen, politely turned down the birthday invitation but promised to send over a lovely gift with Camilla, replied to the mails which needed utmost attention and got back into bed again. I picked up the phone to book a table for five at the restaurant when instead the phone rang.
Hi Henry! It’s Alex. Can we meet? Today? Now?
What was Alex doing calling me up at ten in the morning on a Friday?
Oh! Morning Alex. I am good. You want to meet? Me?
I asked, very confused and very sure that I was dreaming. I must have sounded real stupid because she replied with a yes and confirmed if she had dialed the right number.
Okay then. Yeah, why not? We can meet. Where would you like to meet?
I fumbled and asked, trying to keep the conversation going without sounding lost or bewildered.
Great. Thank you so much. We can meet at the café where I used to work before. It isn’t far from your place and I am in that part of town already. In another half an hour?
I agreed, she said good bye and so did I. I sat up, stared at the phone for a good ten minutes and tried to comprehend what had just happened. She always did this-- appear out of nowhere in my life and then that very instant begin to control it. She was like that high school crush--an old story but always afresh in your heart. You wouldn’t think of it for days. Years would pass by and no would ever speak to you about it. But all it needed for that sweet-bitter memory to make its way back into your system and flood you with emotions was one mention. A name. A drive by your old school. Over hearing the same name in another’s conversation. Alex was just like that-- always and forever in my heart and mind. She made me feel different. Whenever I thought of her I was overcome with an emotion I couldn’t describe but only feel. And irrespective of how much I sometimes hated feeling that way, I knew, if asked, I would give up anything to feel like that forever.
I broke my train of thought and got up hurriedly. How angry I had been with her after our last chance encounter, I thought to myself, and how easily I had let go of that anger wishing for it to turn into an excuse for our next meeting. I knew Alex was braver and wiser than I was which made me optimistic about being offered an olive branch from her side. She wouldn’t not apologize. She wasn’t like that. That was me-- stupid, scared and insensitive. Her call to meet and patch things up had come a little later than I had expected but it had come nonetheless. I was ecstatic. I was glad I had decided to skip going to work. I was out of the apartment and in my car in fifteen minutes, driving like a mad man trying to get to the café before her. I made a promise to myself to not disappoint Alex this time. We would leave each other’s company today as friends. If this meeting turned out well I would ask her out soon, I said to myself.
It was eleven in the morning but the café was occupied to its fullest capacity. I walked in looking around for a table for two when I caught a glimpse of her from the corner of my eye. Alex was already there. She was busy reading, but what book I couldn’t tell from that afar. I could see she had surrendered herself completely to it, unaware of anything around her. She was sitting with her legs crossed, wearing a white summer dress with blue tiny umbrellas embroidered all over it. I noticed that she'd asked for a corner table away from the hullabaloo. Because she was sitting with her back to me she never saw me enter the café or walk towards the table. I tapped on her shoulder to alert her of my presence but she yelped and jumped from her chair.
Hi, sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you. Are you okay?
She was still gathering her things from the floor which had knocked out of her bag as it had taken to the ground in response to her sudden move, when she spoke, without looking up.
Yes, I am okay. I was reading and I didn’t see you come in and then you tapped my shoulder. I am just a little jumpy today I guess.
And then she looked right at me with those beautiful brown eyes of hers. They were the color of my favorite dessert- Mississippi Mud Chocolate Brownie. Oh, how those eyes paralyzed me!
Jumpy, huh? All okay?
I pulled out the chair for her and she sat down. She shut the book she had been reading a while ago but it didn’t go inside the bag. It looked more like a journal- black, hard bound and with a name inscribed at the bottom left corner. She placed that on her lap, straightened her hair with her fingers and apologized softly for the scene she had created. It hadn’t been a scene really; no one had even looked in our direction.
I am thankful that you agreed to meet me despite my rude behavior the last time we were together.
Umm…Yeah. All that was a long time ago, I said to calm her down and help her get rid of the guilt I could see enveloping her eyes. I have been ruder to you on more than one occasion. At the very least, I deserved it.
She smiled, slid her glasses up her nose and sat back in her chair looking out the window. She had never looked so beautiful. She didn’t speak again for a good fifteen minutes and I didn’t want to interrupt her. I was happy just sitting there with her, staring at her with no shame in my eyes and lust for her body. I wanted to take her home and make love to her-- hot, steamy and sweaty. I wanted to touch her, trace the curves of her body with my fingers and have her lay her head on my chest, close to my heart and whisper stories into her ears that would make her laugh. I wanted to smell her hair. I wanted to hold hands with her. I wanted her to be the first one I was to look at each morning I woke up. I had never longed for something so much in my life. In a moment’s time I was filled with deep, intense passion.
I didn’t need her. I wanted her, by my side, for the rest of my life.
When was the last time you had sex Henry?, she asked, catching me off guard and leaving me flushed. I was a little embarrassed by her question. Did my gander give away so much? She was still looking out the window, waiting patiently for an answer.
‘It’s …. It’s been a while. Why do you ask?
My aim to sound nonchalant did not pay off. I'd sounded like a high school teenager who had been asked by his school counselor to comment on his sexual life. For some reason my fifth grade class teacher Ms. Leah crossed my mind. Something was wrong with Alex. She had never come across so vulnerable. It was as if she had let down every wall she had ever built between us, just this one time, expecting I don’t know what from me. I was a gentleman and decided not to reciprocate the question.
She answered, facing me now, with nothing but a fake smile plastered on her face. She tried to sound chirpy but failed miserably.
No reason, just fooling around. You see, I enjoy a man’s company more than a boy’s and hence I called you up, not some friend from University. Are you a man, Henry?
And with another inappropriate and baffling question I declared the situation out of control. I looked at Alex with questioning eyes. What did she really want to know? She hadn’t apologized yet. And for some reason she kept looking out the window every few seconds, as if waiting to catch a glimpse of a long lost friend. I excused myself to go to the restroom and rushed out the café. I was in need of some fresh air to clear my mind. I had to tread carefully. I couldn’t mess up. She had asked me if I was a man and indeed I was. I was going to man up and move past this situation very smartly. Frankly, Alex was giving me the creeps. She seemed so distant, so cold, so broken, so lost. All of her questions were not helping her case either. She wasn’t okay and she wasn’t just jumpy. Something was up with her.
Alex hadn’t moved even a tiny bit. Everything was just as I had left it. The diary now lay on the table. Having left the comforts of her lap that diary looked like it carried a million secrets. Maybe it did. I pushed all these thoughts out of my head and called for a waiter. I asked for a café latte and chocochip pancakes and she for chamomile tea and some fancy salad. She smiled innocently and waited for the waiter to leave before she spoke again.
Henry, I am so very sorry. I have been acting stupid and asking questions I have no right asking. I apologize, for all of this and for last time.
She didn’t pause for a breath. Her apology sounded rehearsed, as if she had needed to say all of that simply to get it out of her system. I noticed then that her eyes looked red and puffy. She had been crying while I was away. For those ten minutes I had left here alone, she had cried. No wonder she had asked for a corner table; she hadn’t wanted to draw any kind of attention towards her, not us.
It’s okay. I accept your apology. And I pardon the questions. So why did you want to meet me? Anything up?
I decided to divert the conversation into casual banter. I did not ask her if she had been crying and I could see that she was grateful for that. She caught me looking at the diary as I waited for her reply but she very craftily slid the diary off the table, put it away in her bag and placed the bag on the floor next to her chair. She played it cool, ignored my peek and for that I was grateful.
Well, nothing is up as such. I was feeling blue today and for some reason when I picked up the phone I found myself dialing your number. So I decided to catch up with you. How is work?
The waiter came in with our order before I could reply and set out the table. We offered each other food from our plates but politely declined. She was into eating healthy and I couldn’t give up caffeine for the world.
I took a bite of the soft spongy pancakes and realized how hungry I was. I devoured two pancakes within a minute like a hungry bear.
I am glad you did. I'd decided only a few minutes before your call that I was going to skip office. Work is good but it gets boring at times. My boss is understanding and great to collaborate with but the organization seems to have come to a standstill. The people are the same, same clients, similar meetings, similar negotiations, the same office gossip, the same everything. My dad has been asking me to join his company, work for him, but I don’t know what to do. That is me.
I was surprised how effortlessly I'd admitted all of that to her. I had been thinking along similar lines for about three months now but hadn’t dared to say it out loud until now.
I have been working with the organization for quite some time now. I know my way around the market, the customers. If I leave I am certain I could draw at least three to four clients with me over to my new employer but I don’t think I want to continue working like this. I have been promoted timely and they compensate me generously for the services I offer. I've been able to afford a more luxurious lifestyle since I began working for them but I am looking for something more. And now that I've established myself I feel like I deserve a break.
It felt good to discuss this with another being. Alex was a patient listener and did not interrupt me once. She signaled me to go on, sipping on her chamomile tea and encouraging me to empty my head and speak everything that was in my heart.
I am twenty-four Alex. I've achieved more than an average twenty-four-year-old. I own a house. I recently bought the car of my dreams. I earn well and people at the office respect me. Sure, they believe I am a loner, but I don’t mind. Also, it isn’t exactly not true. My family is happy where they are. I’ve been on good terms with both Jade and Miranda for the longest time now. But still, something is amiss. You asked me when the last time I had sex was. Well, I am not going to lie. The last time I thought I was even remotely close to a situation which could end with me in bed with another woman was when you had come over and I had very wrongly presumed that Miranda had set you up to bump into me that day to indulge in some pity sex with a lonesome guy.
Wow, I was on fire! I could see the mention of that evening had stirred up memories in Alex’s head too because she turned crimson.
I am sorry, I didn’t mean to embarrass you.
No problem. We've come a long way since then. I agree that we have always met under the most unusual circumstances and that it hasn’t ended well each time but I consider you a dear friend Henry, she said, and that only left me smiling and happy from the inside. A dear friend; that was good.
You are a dear friend too, Alex. There is so much that I must learn from you. You are a wonderful human being.
I don’t think I'd ever complimented anyone which such honesty. I was relieved that our conversation had drifted away from the awkwardness and we were now like any other two people there, enjoying each other’s company and chit chatting.
So, why is it that you are still working where you do? she asked me.
I did not know the answer to that question.
If only I knew why! But enough about me. I don’t really know much about you. For instance, the first time when I saw you at your party and you asked me to not question Miranda about it, why was that? What was that party for anyway?
I saw her take a leap into that distant past and recall our interaction.
Ah. Well, I could see how angry you were and Miranda is a good friend; I didn’t want you bombarding her with questions and go about screaming and shouting. That is why I asked you to question me about the party and not her, she said, And why I had thrown that party, I don’t remember. I was eighteen then and volunteering with a women's help center. I think that party was more of a fund raiser; we'd really needed hefty contributions to cover day to day expenses.
She was incredible. Volunteering at eighteen years old and raising money for causes.
I am impressed Alex, like always. But Miranda could have offered me a similar explanation and I would have understood. I still don’t understand why you tried to save her from the heat?
At eighteen, when I first proposed the idea of organizing a fund raiser to the center’s committee they didn’t think I’d be able to pull it off. They thought I was over ambitious and didn’t understand the gravity of the situation, wanting to do something for the women out of empty zeal. They were of the idea that I was interested in furthering their interests for my interests, to enhance my resume and the likes. But I wanted to genuinely help them out so I organized that party disguised as a fund raiser. I didn’t want anybody making assumptions and thus my instructions to you to not bother Miranda with any questions.
I listened and she spoke of her experiences at the help center. She seemed positively driven to further the cause of women empowerment. She was no longer involved with their activities but she visited the place often and made a donation each year on her birthday. We spoke about music, movies we loved watching and books that kept us constant company.
I lost track of time. Our morning breakfast meet turned into a lunch date. The waiter interrupted us, surprised to find us still sitting there, and asked if we wanted to look over their menu again. Alex gave a nod and he came back with a special lunch menu. She went with cardamom chai this time around and a green kebab cold salad. I on the other hand asked for a large coca cola and a cheese chilly pepperoni pizza.
Seriously? Pizza for lunch?
Yeah. So what? Life is short and we must eat all that we love, how much ever we can, in this little time that God has given us on this planet, I replied, defending my lunch order with a hundred percent commitment.
She let a small laugh escape her smart mouth, raised an eyebrow, tilted her head to one side and clapped a few inaudible claps.
So, life is short and you must do only that which you love is the principle you live by but then how is it that you are still working where you do? You said it yourself that your job these days doesn’t excite you like it did before. That everything is the same there. So don’t you think it’s on you to get rid of this stagnation in your life? Why don’t you quit?, she said, very matter-of-factly.
She was right. I should quit. My job wasn’t making me happy like it used to and the most sensible thing to do would be to move on. And yet I hadn’t.
That’s a tough spot you've dragged me into, Alex. I agree with you a hundred percent. But it isn’t easy to just quit. I know they wouldn’t just let me go so I would have to fight it out. And I don’t want my relationship to end on bad terms with my boss. He is a good man. And irrespective of where I seek employment, they will ask me to reason out my exit from my previous job and what would I say then? That I got bored? That the color of the wallpaper in the office boardroom was driving me nuts? Or that I was tired of politely turning down invitations to social events I didn’t understand why I was invited to in the first place?
I didn’t like where this conversation was headed. Any counseling or guidance was unwelcomed. She had started to sound a little like Jade and I couldn’t have two women in my life pointing out the very obvious. This segment of my life was off limits to be discussed over lunch like this.
Before she could knock me down with a cheeky reply the waiter interrupted us yet again. He lay down the food and briskly walked away. We'd been parked at this table for a good three hours now. We exchanged a smile like strangers do sometimes, sitting across each other in the train when they notice they are reading the same book. We had burned out our breakfast with all that talking and dug into our food with fervor. Alex sipped on her chai and I slurped on my soft drink. It was rare for me to find someone who I could enjoy silence with. After twenty-four years I had finally found one. I tried a little of her chai which I did not enjoy at all and in exchange offered a slice of my pizza. She ate that one slice but scored her salad more anyway. We devoured our food within twenty minutes and called for the waiter to clear the table. Before he could throw one more disgusted look at us we asked for our final cheque.
I think he's expecting a huge tip. He did serve us for almost four hours straight, Alex said, pulling out money from her wallet.
Alex, please, let me foot this bill. You turned my boring Friday into a wonderful day. Let me thank you?
I am sorry Henry but I couldn't allow that. Besides, I am the one who called you out to meet me in the morning. I’ve also kept you away from work all this while. Either I pay the entire bill or we split.
She offered me two choices and I knew I had to pick one. Alex was stubborn; I had sensed that in her tone when she lay down the options in front of me. I didn’t want to fight over who foots the bill and it was only in my favor to pick any of the two options. So, I decided to split and that made her happy.
We gathered our belongings and headed out the café. She double checked to make sure she hadn’t forgotten the diary back at our table and I figured it must say something very important. I contemplated for a second if to ask her why the diary was so dear but decided against it.
She walked me to my car and promised to stay in touch. We both remarked how it was the first time our meeting had involved no controversy. I was elated. No stupid comments, no rude exchanges, no silly assumptions and no mistakes. I high-five'd myself in my head and handed her my business card, telling her to get in touch with me whenever she felt like it, even if she assumed it was office hours. I offered to ride her home or drop her off to the nearest station but she refused. She had some errands to run before heading back home.
As I drove off, I saw her walk back into the café in my rear view mirror. Why did she go back in? Was she meeting somebody else there? Right after me? That was harsh. I was certain she hadn’t forgotten anything in there, we'd both checked twice. I got home in a few minutes but my mind was elsewhere. I didn’t know if it was appropriate to call her the same day. I knew she wasn’t going to be home soon so I put that off for a while. Instead, I decided to take a nap and dream of the time I had spent with Alex today. A late afternoon snooze would do me good, I told myself. I didn’t care to set an alarm, plunged into my bed and dozed off right away.
It had been a while since I'd had a regular day; it felt wonderful now to have had one. Henry was a good man. He was honest and charming and polite. I'd been on my own since Gina’s death so it was surprising to spend time with someone and actually enjoy their company. All that talk about movies, books and music felt warm and comfortable. Henry had pulled me out of my darkness for six hours. For the six hours I was with him I had felt butterflies in my stomach, just like my date with James Walter.
James had blue eyes, was super cute and very much in demand in high school. I had had a crush on him for almost two months before he managed to ask me out. Only Jake had known, and he'd actually helped me pick a dress for the special date. It didn’t work out though-- James turned out to love himself more than he loved anybody else and I for once could never get along with people like that. But first crushes are always special, despite them ending in a disaster most times, right?
Henry had however displayed great ability in making me feel like a giddy teenager too, but unlike James I could tell he cared for more than himself. But the two men had one thing in common-- piercing blue eyes. Maybe that was my type.
He'd been rather different today; he was calmer than I had ever seen him. For starters, he spoke about his work life, a subject I hadn't been made privy to until today. He was a family man and spoke extensively and often about Jade, his baby sister.
Maybe if I told him my story he would understand. It had crossed my mind several times, the idea to confide in him, share my secret, and tell him all that there was to know. But I knew that wasn’t an option. More so, it was out of the question, a one hundred per cent. No one could ever know. No one would ever know. I was alone in this journey and I was to keep it that way till the end. But I was thankful for having Henry in my life. He was someone I could rely on. There wasn’t much between us- I could count the number of times I had met him on my fingers and also the number of times our meetings had turned upside down. But nonetheless, I knew he would show up if I ever called.
I wanted to call Miranda and thank her for inviting Henry to that party all those years ago. Henry had become an odd constant of sorts since, and I wanted to keep it that way. My relationship with him was the only one not marred by the baggage I've carried since Gina’s disappearance. He knew nothing of that part of my life. For him I was just a twenty-year-old who owned a coffee shop a few blocks away from his workplace, someone he enjoyed spending time with and I was more than happy to be that girl.
I made my way to the den and got down to work. I had some inventory checks to go over and look into employees’ appraisals. A local band had gotten in touch with us, hoping if we were the kind of place that rented out space for local gigs. They seemed like okay people and I liked the kind of music they were into. Since they were a little low on finances they found it difficult to agree to my rent price but put forward a deal to split the revenue from their ticket sales a fifty-fifty. I had asked for a little time from them to think over their offer and a reply from my side was due today. Everyone at the café had loved the idea and Milan had even promised to help with PR for the band. They were called Purple Valentine.
I finished all clerical work due for the day and picked up the phone to share some good news with them. They were ecstatic when I told them that our deal was on. The band lead was very grateful and honored. I fixed our meeting for the following day at 1 in the afternoon and decided to treat myself to hot cocoa and some tomato chilly popcorn. I was in the kitchen warming up some milk when the phone rang. It was Henry.
Henry, hi. All okay?
I asked, worried, considering we had parted just a few hours ago and spent considerable amount of time catching up.
Hey, Alex. Yeah, everything is sweet. I am good. And how can I not be after the wonderful afternoon we spent together. I called to just check on you. Make sure you had reached home safe, that’s all.
Oh, that’s so sweet. Yes, I did make it home safe and sound. It’s been a while since someone's called me up just to check in with me. So, what’s brewing?
I could almost feel his lips curl into a smile before he spoke again.
Well, I was hoping if you would like to have lunch with me tomorrow. I know this restaurant that serves the best grill fish in town. Are you a seafood fan?
His offer sounded inviting but it left me confused. Why did he want to hang out again so soon, and for lunch? I hoped me calling him up on a Friday and spending almost half the day with him didn’t mislead him in any way. I wanted us to be friends, period. With all that was going on in my life I couldn’t bear the burden of a relationship, even if it was to be with a great guy like Henry. I wouldn’t be able to give a hundred per cent to the relationship and Henry deserved much better than that. I decided to be firm and clear the air.
Umm…Henry, I don’t mean to sound cold but you and I are never going to be a thing. I know we had a good time today and we really hit it off with all that talk about blues singers and action movies but I want nothing more, at least not now. I am sorry if I gave you the wrong impression but today wasn’t a date.
I could sense his disappointment. I could feel questions imbue his mind. I felt terrible about what I had done but it was unavoidable. I waited patiently for him to reply but he said nothing. After about fifteen seconds I heard a click on the other end and the line went silent. He hung up on me!
Maybe I deserved it. I put the phone down, cursed my fate, picked up the phone to call him back but decided against it. My life revolved around something else entirely and I didn’t want him mixed up in any of it. Henry was to stay away from me, as far as he could. He could never know, never be involved. I breathed, ate and slept revenge and I didn’t want my grim past or my gloomy future to cloud his happy days. It was best that he knew as little of me as possible. And that would be possible only if I kept him afar. I had turned the sweet memories of our day well spent just a few hours ago, bitter. I walked towards the kitchen and smelled the burnt milk. It wasn’t my day, not any longer.
She wanted us to only be friends? That was the oldest and dullest line in the book used to turn down a guy and I had just been served. I was confused and angry. Why? Did our happy time today scare Alex off? Was she one of those morbid human beings who chose to stay far away from glee and happiness because they feared it would soon end and then all they would be left with would be pain and sorrow? But that was a stupid notion. Life is meant to bring you both good and bad news. You don’t shy away from the good times because the bad times aren’t far away. You are supposed to enjoy and relish the happy times life has to offer and fight off the hurtful, unfair and unjust times with strength and determination. Even a messed up guy like me knew all of that. Why was Alex being the silly one here? She didn’t want me to ask her out. She didn’t want us to go out on dates and spoil each other on birthdays and anniversaries and fight over nonsensical issues like what restaurant to pick for Sunday brunch. She had said no to all of that. She didn’t even want me thinking that way about the two of us. She nipped it all in the bud. But this was not done. I wanted answers. I needed answers. Was it haunting memories of a past relationship that had gone sour which made her hate dating altogether? Did she simply need more time? Was she not attracted to me the way I was? Was there somebody else?
Oh my God! How foolish could I possibly be? Of course there was somebody else in her life who she considered more special and worthy than me. I knew for a fact that Alex wasn’t someone who was out looking for something casual. And she had written off the possibility of us even before something had happened. That had to mean that she was already seeing somebody else or was interested romantically in another man. The thought of it alone made me feel like throwing up, Alex with another man. I began to feel dizzy. I did not want to live anymore. I did not want to breathe. I felt this gut wrenching pain in my belly and it felt like it would consume me entirely in the next few seconds. I grabbed onto my sofa chair and sat down. I had to pull myself together and calm down. I couldn’t just assume the worst and inflict terrible pain on myself. My heart couldn’t bear all of this. I had to do something. I couldn’t waste time just sitting there, feeling sad about myself and cry like a nine-year-old school kid. I had to know why Alex had turned me down.
I knew there was something between us, and it definitely wasn’t mere friendship. There was this fatal attraction; a vibe that would engulf us both when we were together. I could sometimes feel it, this electricity, this current; it was almost tangible at times. And I could bet my life that Alex had felt that little something too. So how could she ignore it all? It was impossible to feel that way and not acknowledge it. I agree, she could be doubtful or worried, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t all of that either. And it certainly in no way implied that we couldn’t give it a shot. We deserved a chance; a chance to be together, a chance to be in love, a chance to try and work it out together. So what if I was a few years older? Alex was only twenty but she was more mature, smart and sensible in her mind and heart than any other twenty-year-old. She was intense. She was breathtakingly beautiful. She was just the woman for me and this time around I wouldn’t let anything get between the two of us.
For a split second I considered approaching Miranda for help. But considering she knew how I felt about Alex, me asking questions about her personal life would surely raise doubts in Miranda’s head. I very quickly dropped that idea and began to devise a plan to get to know the insides of Alex Kramer’s life more distinctly. Alex’s rejection had suddenly given my life purpose. I was going to get to the bottom of this. Alex had to tell me why she wanted us to stay apart when we were clearly meant to be together.