It’s been a while, I say to self. A little over two months has passed. We were on a scheduled leave from work, the both of us. We meet again at work. It’s a Thursday. She got back from Madrid an hour ago. Her flight had been delayed three hours and that had very well pissed her off for the rest of the day. She’d been stuck at the airport for longer because her assistant had booked a cab ride for her to the airport from work an hour earlier than was needed. I could imagine her glaring at poor old Mr. Lambert; just killing him with her cold glare, uttering not a single word, just her ice cold glare. I was surprised she didn’t let him go there and then. She is infamous for that. She is moody and almost always PMSing. I know it’s not fair to blame the monthly menstrual cycle for her 24*7 crappy mood but let’s just call it what it is; nobody known to mankind could deal with her mood swings. I hug her and ask how her flight was. She rolls her eyes, shrugs her shoulders and moves away to meet and greet our other friends. Before I can ask her to come see me in my cabin once she was done socialising and catching up with everybody, she’s already crossed the length of the room and is far away from me. Catherine already has her by the arm and I could tell from where I was standing that she wasn’t going to let her go soon enough. I take a step forward in their direction but stop almost midway. I can talk to her later, I say to myself once again, and turn right around. I ask the freckle faced intern to get me a cup of steaming hot black coffee-no sugar, and walk past everybody in the conference hall with a straight face. No smiles were exchanged, no nod of the head to acknowledge my colleagues’ presence and no empty hello’s. I enter my cabin, toss a bunch of files I’d had in my hands all along onto the couch and move around my desk to sit down on my big, comfy office chair. I close my eyes, let out a sigh, and sit there waiting patiently for my intern to come back with some good coffee. I am lost in thought, I don’t even know what direction my mind is wandering off to, but I let it be. I think of calling in Brinda tomorrow morning to sit down and discuss with her plans that I have in mind about redecorating my study at home. I have been keeping that task on hold for six months now and its high time that I get down to it before winter. I make a mental note of letting my secretary know to arrange for a meet for the following day and then lose my train of thought again. I am almost about to dose off when I hear a knock at my door. I shout out a ‘hurray’ in my head hoping my coffee has finally made its way to me and open my eyes to greet my freckle faced intern. But it isn’t Louis Blanc who is waiting by the door, it’s her.
Me: It’s you, I say, and almost immediately look away.
Kaiyo: Yes, it’s me. How are you? And how was Uruguay?
I had spent all of my final year spring break back at college working on an economics project that was to do with Uruguay and its economy and whether or not they had been successful in transforming economic growth into economic development. I had since then wanted to visit the country and that is what I had done on this break. I had taken a week off and spend all of my time in Uruguay.
Me: Umm…it was good. The weather was pleasant all week so I guess I got lucky. It’s a nice place to be at. I am glad I finally got to visit after all these years. You tell me; how was Madrid?
I am still looking out the window having established no eye contact with her since she walked into my cabin some ten minutes ago. I know she has managed to make some room for herself on the couch and is waiting for me to finish talking. I steal a quick glance from the corner of my eye and notice that she’s wearing the charm bracelet I’d gifted her last Christmas. I don’t know exactly why but it breaks my heart. I want to fight it no more, the urge to cry, and crawl into bed with Thumper, my dog, and just stay there till the end of time. I wrestle my choked throat, clear my voice and finally look at her.
Kaiyo: Oh, well, you know how Javier is. And how Madrid is. Same old, same old, I’d say. Mom sends her best wishes and wants to know if you’ve gotten down to redecorating your study yet or not.
She says all of that with a smile etched on her face but I can tell that it’s a show. She isn’t happy. She is uncomfortable about being here, as much as I am, and is dreading what turn this conversation will take the next second maybe more than I am. We both do not want to be where we are but you don’t always get what you ask for in life, do you now. We knew we had to do this; it was important for the both of us individually and also for our relationship, whatever was left of it. I smile right back at her wanting to make her feel even the tiniest bit better if my hollow smile could achieve that and get up from my chair. I ask her to excuse me for a minute and walk right out the door, even before she’s complied with my request. I call out to my secretary and ask him to fix an appointment with Brinda for 1 ‘o’ clock tomorrow. I also ask him to send out a search team for Louis and my cup of black coffee. And then I just stand there, lingering at his desk. Matt asks me if I need anything else to be taken care of and I shoot an empty look in his direction. I don’t think I’d ever seen him look so confused but I had other things playing on my mind. I didn’t have the time or energy to explain to Matt why I looked like I didn’t want to go back into my cabin. I had enough of my crap to worry about. I vaguely apologised for hovering around his desk, then told him to cancel all of my meetings for the rest of the day and instructed him to not let anybody come in to my cabin or ask for me or call me for as long as I was at work. His expression flipped in a second from confusion to concern. Before he could ask me what was wrong, I had made my move.
Me: I am sorry, that was rude. No, I haven’t gotten down to redecorating my study yet but I am going to. I just asked Matt to schedule a meet with Brinda for lunch tomorrow. Nice to hear Javier is still loving trading stocks and minting money. He is smart, I give him that, but he is obsessed.
I aimlessly make my way to the couch and sit down next to her. Her head is resting against the wall and she has her eyes closed. She nods slightly, almost in agreement to my comment about Javier, her brother, and then slowly opens her eyes. They say when you fall in love with someone, fall in love with their eyes, it’s the one thing that never changes. And her eyes were the most beautiful pair of eyes I had ever known. She is staring at the ceiling now and I am looking at her. I can tell she hasn’t been sleeping well. She looks more tired than angry. She’s got a nice tan though. Must be Madrid, I think, and then turn to stare at the ceiling too. She moves an inch closer to my side. We are sitting so close to each other that I can almost hear her heart beat in the dead quiet of the room. She doesn’t look away but slowly slides her hand into my idly sitting hand and I let her. It feels so good I hate myself for liking it so much. When my aching heart can take it no more I decide to break the silence.
Me: Kaiyo, don’t you have to be someplace else. I am glad you stopped by but you look exhausted. Maybe you should go get some sleep. We can talk in the evening; I’ll drop by for some coffee or we can meet tomorrow morning for breakfast.
I am asking her to leave but I do not want her to go. I tighten my grip around her hand. I can sense my brain telling my heart to stop being foolish but I do nothing, I take no sides. I let them bicker and decide to stay out of it. My mind and heart know better than to argue and expect me to put an end to their everyday quarrel. ‘When you love someone, you say their name different. Like its safe inside your mouth.’ Jodi Picoult was a genius. I had called out her name after forever and it felt beautiful. Like it had healed a little of my broken soul. Kaiyo. I had always believed myself to be incapable of falling in love with somebody. I wasn’t particularly narcissistic but I had made enough attempts to blend with the world which had primarily left me disappointed in people and I had therefore turned into a legit loner. But she had changed all of that. Just like in the movies, that happened which shouldn’t have. I hated her so much for making me fall in love with her but I loved her so much more that my hatred stood no chance of a victory. It was terrifying and electrifying at the same time. I was scared, but her love also made me stronger. My logical self would turn to mush each time I’d see her but I also knew she set my heart racing like a mad horse each time we were in the same room. I didn’t know how to keep up with this. I’d always been bad at making small talk. Before it could get any worse Louis barged into the room making a loud noise.
Louis: Here’s your coffee, miss. I am sorry it took me so long to get you your coffee. There was a long queue at the coffee shop and then their cashier got into a fight with a customer. I am sorry, so sorry.
He placed the steaming cup of coffee on the table in front of me, smiled a meek smile and left the room before I could thank him. She had had no reaction to the five minute commotion around us. She was as still as a log. She had closed her eyes again and her chest rose and sank with every breath that she took. I hadn’t noticed but she’d taken off her shoes and was sitting cross legged on the couch next to me. I did not want to disturb her, assuming she had fallen asleep worn out from the long travel. I was devising a plan to get up and move away from her without waking her up when she suddenly flicked her eyes open, twisted around in her seat to sit facing me, with her back to the wall, and perched a kiss on my lips.
Kaiyo: I had been wanting to do that for days now. And I know we need to talk and it hasn’t been all sunny and rosy between us but all of that can wait. I have missed you, so much.
Me: Stop. Don’t do this. I know I am strong. But I am also human. You know I am not the emotional breakdown kind but you have made me cry thrice already since I have known you. And I don’t cry easy, everybody who even remotely knows me knows that about me. But amongst the million things that you have managed to change about me and around me, you have also me made me cry, and not once. I can’t do this, not anymore. I cannot bear to injure my heart again. Please, stop. You have no idea how much it hurts to even call your name out loud.
I regret saying that last bit about her name the second those words escaped my lips.
Me: I am sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I…I don’t know what to do here. I am lost Kaiyo, I am lost.
I leave my place on the couch next to her and reclaim my spot in the room. My big comfy office chair is the only thing that’s making me feel good right now. I am so glad I have this chair, all to myself, in my favourite colour. I miss Thumper. That old dog would know exactly what to do to make me feel better. I wondered if my level of emotional damage was enough to have me take Thumper around as a service dog. How I would love to have him around all the time! The thought of having him accompany me everywhere I go put a faint smile on my face.
Kaiyo: It’s okay. You don’t have to apologise. I am lost too. The both of us are new at this. But I still don’t get it; why are you mad at me? Don’t say you aren’t because you clearly are. I know I have been a little evasive these past few months and things haven’t been the easiest at home, and that has only added to my worries. And I am sorry that I, till date, cannot let you in on what was going on but I am sincerely grateful that you hung around for me. Could you at least look me in the eye when I am talking to you?
I had been looking out the window all this while. The sky was grey and the clouds hung heavy in the air. It looked like it could rain today. I throw a look around the room and spot no umbrella. She looks around too, then out the window and then fixes her gaze on me.
Kaiyo: You can borrow my umbrella. I am sure I got an extra umbrella lying around somewhere in my cabin. Just drop by my office and pick it up when you are leaving from work. I think I should get going. You are right. We can talk about us later.
She gets up, straightens out her hair with her fingers and puts her shoes back on. She is all ready to leave and moves rather briskly towards the door to make her exit when I speak.
Me: You know I love you, right? I just need some time figuring out which parts of my personality are still mine and which ones I created to please you, to make you love me more.
Her body stiffened and she clutched her handbag tighter. She let her hand drop from the handle and turned around to look at me.
Kaiyo: I know you love me and I love you too, so much. Maybe that is why this hurts, stings like a bee. Sometimes the loneliest place to be is in love.
And just like that all the tension and friction seemed to vanish from the room. I leaped from my chair and made my way to her. I was standing next to her now, having the covered the distance between us in four or five big steps and pulled her closer.
Me: If that’s how it is then I’d choose to be lonely with you for the rest of my life.
I know she had gulped back her tears. It is difficult for us human beings to reveal our vulnerable selves, especially to those who we love and care for. The art of being uncalculated, the willingness to look foolish doesn’t come easy or cheap. Nevertheless, we continue to love and it’s the most beautiful feeling in the world; to love and be loved. I cradle her in my arms and kiss her, hard and long.
Me: I am a better kisser than you are. That’s how you kiss someone who you love. I am so glad you are back in town.
I chuckle and feel like a sixteen year old. I shut the door and pull her back into the room. We sit down on the couch, right where we’d been sitting a few minutes ago and I smile my warmest smile.
Kaiyo: I did not see that coming. You do never fail to surprise me. I…
Before she can profess her love for me once again I interrupt and don’t let her complete the sentence.
Me: I’ll tell you what’s wrong, what’s been bothering me for days but you have got to make me a promise- you will not interrupt me while I speak and you will keep all of your questions for later, once I am done talking. Agreed?
She looks at me puzzled but nods her head and shoves a thumbs up in my face to validate for her promise. I close my eyes, take a deep breath and get right down to business.
Me (contd.): You know I love you, and I am happy that you do but I feel that that is not enough. I know that that is not enough. Choice, that’s the thing; you say you love me but it doesn’t simply end there. You choosing me, to hold my hand, to kiss my lips, to call me whether you want to celebrate a promotion or cry over a broken friendship, you choosing me, day after day, you wanting to choose me day after day is what our love should be made of. But what I fear is that one fine day you will leave, you will walk away because you would want to choose somebody else over me. At this very moment there are six billion people in this world. Some are running scared, some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day and some who choose to not face the truth. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls and sometimes all we need is just that one somebody who can set it all right. You had become that one somebody for me from the moment I had laid my eyes on you but I find it difficult to believe now.
I want that when somebody loves me they love me for just the way I am- for as flawed as I might be, for as unaccomplished as I think I am and for as unattractive as I might sometimes feel. I do not want to feel the need to hide of all the parts of me that are broken out of fear that somebody could be incapable of loving something which is less than perfect. But with you around, I have been less sure of myself lately. I know nobody is perfect and neither am I but at times have I felt the pressure to be perfect if I am to be loving you? Yes, I have, and let me tell you, it’s one of the worst feelings in the world. The truth is that the more intimately you begin to know someone, the more clearly and more often will you stand witness to their flaws, and that is why marriages fail sometimes and friendships don’t last and children are abandoned. You might think you truly love someone if you’ve seen the way they act when they are out of money or under pressure or hungry but love is something different. Love is choosing to serve someone and be with someone despite their filthy heart. Love is seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship. And that is precisely what I fear; that once you’d see for yourself the dark, empty abysses I believe lies in my heart you will not have the courage to continue loving me. You will want to abandon me, and that you will leave me. I would never hold you at fault. My pain isn’t yours to bear and anybody would want nothing to do with it. But what will crush my soul more than you leaving me would be coming of the fact that you did in fact not love me enough.
You are my first love and I’d do anything to make my mind and heart believe that you wouldn’t break it but unfortunately I fail each time, more miserably than before. I wonder sometimes if my love for you is true and genuine or not. I could comfort you with tales of how you did manage to break through those impenetrable walls I had built around my heart to keep it safe and hidden from the grief and sorrow of this world but I doubt you’d believe me, I doubt I’d believe myself. Because I know who I am; and I have forever been a sucker for new things, and that is exactly my problem- you are a new thing. Love is profoundly expressed in self-control, patience and even words left unsaid but I’d choose to die than exercise self-control with you by my side. There have been times, like today morning in the conference room, when we are with our friends but I can imagine nothing else, only to take you by the hand to another room because I cannot take it anymore and feel the need to make love to you right there. I am a paradox, a conflicted contradiction; where and how am I to find the nerve to love you selflessly and unconditionally.
Loving you had blocked my good-thinking, and with all that oxytocin in my body I had rushed to the good in you and overlooked the bad but I am growing weary and tired now with all the overlooking I have done. I had hoped and prayed and wished and wanted so much for you to be that special person who is wrong for me in just that right way that I became willing to become your wrong person, for all the wrong reasons. You know, and I very well know, that I could never be just another friend. I know how much it aches to love somebody like how I love you and I’d never want somebody else to suffer for loving me. I do not want to be somebody else’s love, loving you instead. I would never be able to forgive myself if I was ever that cruel. I consider myself a romantic because I believe love to be dark and tormented. I am afraid that my twisted take on love would never be able to match with your sunny and rosy and fairy tale like belief in it. And we have spent so much time away from each other these past five months that none of your emails and texts and letters make me happy; they only offer an illusion of your presence but stand nowhere in beating the persistence of your absence. I want to touch you, hold you in my arms, plant a kiss on your face when you least expect it and take beautiful pictures of you doing nothing, just leaning out the window and enjoying the rains. But can I do that? Have I had the chance in the last five months to do any of that? No, I haven’t, and that’s killed my dead self already a million times over. I am stealing from Margaret Atwood now but what I want, and that’s all I want, is to be the air that inhabits you for a moment only; I would like to be that unnoticed and that necessary. But with all those miles between us I cannot even be that, I cannot even be the air you could breathe.
I tried to dupe my heart into believing you could be my soul mate. For as long as I can remember I coerced myself into believing that with you around I was never agitated or anxious, only calm, but I know now that that had been utter bullshit. You only and always made my heart pound, my hands shake and my knees go weak. Soul mates don’t do that, I know now. I’d come across a Swedish proverb somewhere that read, ‘Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I most need it’. And that is what I did. At times when every cell of my body hated you for making me mad or leaving me gloomy I’d use all that I had and still continued to love you. I had programmed my brain to make it incapable of hating you, despising you, but I have decided to rewire it now because loving you is making me hollow and I cannot allow for that to happen, for my sake and my sake alone. I didn’t fall in love with you, I walked into love with you, fully aware of what exactly I was getting into but I think it’s time now for me to walk away. Kaiyo, I will always be in some kind of love with you but I must leave now. I have lost enough of myself in the process of loving you too much. I must stop. I need to stop.
I feel like a load has lifted off my chest. I am unaware of my senses. I had kept my feelings to myself all along because I had failed to find words to describe them up until today. Did I really just say all of that, to Kaiyo, out loud? I hadn’t realised I had walked the entire length of the room almost six times over and was back on my big, comfy office chair. With whatever energy I had left in me I looked up to scan the room and find Kaiyo. The next second I found myself laughing out loud. Kaiyo had left. There was nobody in my office except my barren soul. She had left.
I got up and made my way over to the couch where she’d been sitting. She’d at least had the courtesy to leave me a parting note. It said,
Dear Mugen,
Shinji Moon once said, ‘I look at you and see all the ways a soul can bruise, and I wish I could sink my hands into your flesh and light lanterns along your spine so you know there’s nothing but light when I see you’. Take care of yourself. I wish you the best in life and I hope you find what you are looking for. Maybe we will meet again when we are right for each other because today you are chaos to my thoughts and I, poison to your heart.
Love,
Kaiyo