But time … how time first grounds us and then confounds us. We thought we were being mature when we were only being safe. We imagined we were being responsible but were only being cowardly. What we called realism turned out to be a way of avoiding things rather than facing them. Time … give us enough time and our best-supported decisions will seem wobbly, our certainties whimsical.
I just couldn’t get Julian Barnes and her lines from the book The Sense of an Ending out of my mind. Time…give us enough time and our best supported decisions will seem wobbly, our certainties whimsical. Not only did these words resonate so truly all that life is made of, but also had managed to crawl their way into my conscious mind since Kaiyo had made her untimely exit from my office almost three hours ago. I was actually a little relieved that I hadn’t had to see her leave. That I am sure would have definitely given me a heart attack. But I was also remorseful that I hadn’t had the chance to see her face when she’d found herself a paper to pen down her last words to me. I hadn’t known when in the midst of my monologue she had decided that she couldn’t hear another word from me anymore. I did not know if it was that she didn’t have the courage to face me after I’d be done because I know I hadn’t been all wrong, if not a little, in all that I had shared with her or was it that my words had hit her harder than I had ever expected them to. I was scared and confused and angry and sad. And I was trying very much for logic and reasoning and sensibility to come to my rescue and put me out of my misery but my wait was all in vain. There was just about nothing I could do right now that would fix my aching, grieving heart. I had been stupid enough to try and applaud my act; how much did I try to coax my heart and mind into believing that I had been courageous and practical. I had done exactly that which could almost put an end to my being but I had done it anyway because that had been the right thing to do, for myself, in the long run. But I taking a stand contradictory to my resolution only a second ago only made my heart ache more and my head hurt. I doubted whether Thumper too could help me out of this melancholic mood. I was doomed and that was what love was all about. If you were struck by cupid, and struck real hard, you knew no escape plan stood a chance. All would fail and love would triumph; and with it all of its madness.
Pablo Neruda once said, ‘If nothing saves us from death, at least love should save us from life’. Another of my favourite poets, playing around with words so effortlessly I wondered if I could ever be even the tiniest bit as good as them. Kaiyo was, still is, and from what I can tell from how my heart longs for her to be my side this very moment, will always be my love. She, I’d believed, would be the one to save me from life and its simple complexities but without her around, without her in my life, what was I going to do? How do you cope when the love that was to save you from life walks out from yours? And how do you cope with the fact that it was you and only you that had made it happen? I couldn’t even hate myself a hundred percent because my self-preservation mode kept kicking in at odd moments, jerking my heart and mind into action, and instructing them not to be foolish and blinded by love. So much time had passed since she had left. The office was empty now and I could hear Matt also get ready to pack up and leave for the day. He’d come to check on me five times in the last two hours, coming up with some excuse or another, and though I could see through his show I hadn’t shooed him away. At least somebody cared for my wellbeing I’d said out loud after his last exit but there was nobody in my office to hear me. I did not want to go back home because that would only mean more hurt, more disappointment and more sadness. I had lost count of the number of times I had replayed my conversation with Kaiyo just a few hours ago. I had every word etched in my mind as clear as crystal. It was then when I knew that this pain would last forever in my heart. It would tug at my soul when I’d least expect it and it would leave me wounded more than I could ever anticipate for myself. For all that had driven me to this rendezvous with her, the end of which had been inevitable for very obvious reasons, if Kaiyo was to walk in the next second into the room I’d forget it all and do all of it, the love and the pain, all over again. It wouldn’t be this unbearable, I was sure. I’d rather love her, have her, and have her hurt me than love her, not have her, and have her hurt me a million times more.
From all that my heart and mind were coping with my stomach seemed to pay no heed to the turmoil. I could hear it grumbling, loud and clear, in my empty room in the empty office. I decided to get up and leave, instructed the grumpiness to take a back seat for a bit and stood up to gather my things before making my exit. I peeked outside for a second to check if in case anybody was still around but nobody was. I breathed a sigh of relief, not wanting to engage in any conversation right now, and made my way to the elevator briskly. It made me wait for a good ten minutes before it transported me to the parking lot some twenty floors down. I walked to my car with a heavy heart, bogged down by despondence and despair. I did not know how my feet were carrying the weight of my heavy heart. I glided across traffic very smoothly and reached home in less than thirty minutes. I would have loved to just drive around, with the windows rolled down, wind in my hair and some great music to go along but I couldn’t afford that luxury right now. It was getting late, I was exhausted in body and mind and I had to meet Brinda next day for lunch. Today was no night for a late night and I decided to call it a day. I walked into my empty home, dumped my work files on the kitchen cabinet, changed into my old pyjamas and snuggled into bed with Thumper by my side. Kaiyo’s image floated into my head as I hit the pillow and somewhere between losing her and gaining a little bit of myself back I drifted off to sleep.
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